Thinking about a strange place that I go. It's out in the middle of the Mojave desert. I stop there when I drive to the SW - it's the halfway point on a 15 hour drive. If I stop and sleep, it means I can leave late one afternoon and get in by lunch the next day - perfect for my kind of schedule.
Anyway, this place is off a highway. You drive up into the mountains for about 20 mins. It's night and there are no lights, so moths are splatting on the windshield, swimming before the headlights, and jackrabbits bound in front of you. Last time I was there, spring rains had washed out a big chunk of the road. I almost plunged the car into a 6 foot deep abyss before I swerved to avoid it.
Drive through the sagebrush, the weeds, the undergrowth. Drive down a two-track. Stop at the first level spot, turn off the car, get out. Dryness crackles all around. Stillness. The occasional clicking of the cooling car. Mountains loom on the horizon, east and west. To the south, a steady stream of night-travelers worms its way to the distance, but in silence. I'm too far away to hear anything.
I like to walk here in the night. Finding my way around by only the light of the moon. If it's hot, I'll shed clothes but keep on the flip-flops. Primitive-ish man in desert. Scrambling about through washes, rock piles, and uplifts. A coyote yips in the distance and I yip back. The toasted moon shines down.
In the morning, I go for another walk and find an old rusted prince albert can. Inside, a mining claim from 1962 - cinnabar. The paper is crinkled and burned from the dryness. I carefully fold it, put it back in the can, and leave it where I found it.
The next rain will erase the fact that I was here.
That sounds really great. Still have dreams of a westward trip, but it looks like maybe not this year. Keep up your strength. Three months is a long time.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
three months IS a long time. I feel like I'm ready to be D'ed now - I can't believe I'm only at the halfway point.
When this all started I was so ready to stand and continue standing for my M. I was going to be the best darn DB'er ever seen. Steady, understanding, patient.
Along the way, I guess, I've realized that steadiness and patience don't mean a lot when your S is stubborn and confused. Far better to wallow in the hurt and pain and get it all out of your system than to suppress everything in a mistaken understanding of how to DB. Which is what many of us do. We think we've got it and we say "I AM focusing on myself," but we're so busy looking at our M that we miss what's going on. Until that day when it finally hits us that the M isn't being saved. Then we get it and move on with making ourselves happy.
And so here I am. I'm not standing for my M any longer. I just wish it was all over. I love her, I admire her, but I don't trust her and I certainly don't respect her. In her professional life, yes, but in her personal life, no. What's sad is that I can easily imagine her making the same mistakes ad infinitum. Her independence means more to her than being in a R. And so she'll continue being a ticking time bomb until she finally looks at the part of herself and decides if that's how she really wants to live life or not.
