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The brunch went well. They ate my food, and seemed to enjoy it. When I put it all out, one woman said, "Why did you make this food, we are not hungry." And I said, "You have to eat. I made all this food." Apparently, they got the message. For the first time, they ate my food.

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congrats sara! Now you have to send me some so I can sample it!


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Originally Posted By: lodo
We think we've got it and we say "I AM focusing on myself," but we're so busy looking at our M that we miss what's going on. Until that day when it finally hits us that the M isn't being saved. Then we get it and move on with making ourselves happy.

lodo
But I think that's the whole point of DB is making yourself happy and not looking to other people or things (I used to think a new house might help) or stuff like that to make you happy. Or at least that's what I've learned from here. I think you finally "got" DBing when you realized that...Karen


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It's a catch-22 in a way. We come here because we want to focus on our spouse and on our marriage. But they don't improve until we can detach from them and focus on ourselves.


Me45 W35 M6 T8
D16 SD11 D0
Dec 07: Bomb
July 08: Busted!
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or sometimes they just don't improve because they won't deal with their own issues.


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No guarantee, that's for sure.


Me45 W35 M6 T8
D16 SD11 D0
Dec 07: Bomb
July 08: Busted!
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Nope, no guarantee.

And it's so strange. I've spent so many years with this person. Shared so many things. And suddenly she's shut down. Totally focused on something else to the exclusion of all else.

I guess that's the hard part for me to accept. I feel like the last 12 years never existed. That there is no meaning there because the things I valued may not have actually been shared. It's all been a dream that I'm just now waking up from.

It's hard to accept that she never thinks about me, but if she does, she hides it well. And this is the person who told me she can't relate to anyone as well as I? What was that about? And she said that after filing for D.

I know, I know. I'll never understand. I should just accept that, and I have, and I will. Keep saying it and it'll come true, right? My heart no longer aches, but it's pretty bruised.

Okay, enough of that. tonight, chef lodo is going to prepare a miso broth with noodles, tofu, and chives. He might go a little crazy and throw in a small bit of jalapeno and perhaps a crimini mushroom or two. Right now he's enjoying a winsome chardonnay, but soon will switch to a bold syrah. Outside the smell of rotting fruit wafts about the patio. Nitin Sawhney is on the stereo.

It's a beautiful Bay Area night - still warm enough for shorts but cool enough to need long sleeves when the sun sets.

lodo


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Originally Posted By: gForce
It's a catch-22 in a way. We come here because we want to focus on our spouse and on our marriage. But they don't improve until we can detach from them and focus on ourselves.


Hope this statement is true to the "T". Nothing else is working. Can relate to everything else said in the past ten or so posts (except giving up). But if thats the attitude you have now, maybe it will help you detach and the changes will follow to change your mind.

Originally Posted By: lodo
or sometimes they just don't improve because they won't deal with their own issues.


I hear that! We are the only ones with the problems supposedly although it takes 2 to tango.


my stories

M-31
W-28
S7 D2.5
T 8, M 4
W filed 2-14-08
D on hold 3/08
D off hold 5/08
D to be final on/by Nov 08
Anniv 9-4 looked hopeful
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((lodo)),

I'm just checking in on you. It is strange to spend so many years with a person, & then suddenly not recognize them anymore.

Those years & memories do exist. Whether they were shared or not, is all perspective, but they existed for you. She knows they existed, she just may view them differently than you.

It sounds like the Chef is in a pretty good mood considering. Now the smell of rotting fruit....is that a pleasant smell ??? \:\) Cause you had me right until there.

We had a beautiful night here too, cool enough for a hoodie, warm enough for shorts. Perfect for strolling the beach.

take care


M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months
4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10
I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
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