Kelly Jo The Wifey new thread.

[The Wifey]

I printed this entire page of postings. I will spend my lunch absorbing. I need to get a life. Not sure what I'm going to do after work. Thinking I need to go somewhere other than home, but I'm not sure where.

[ndsmhelp]

Kjo-

Bworl said this to me yesterday. Read it. Then Read it again. After that, read it again.

"Look, it's really easy to find yourself caught in the trap of predicting the future and then responding to that potential future. And it's usually based on one or two simple events that you are applying your own interpretation to.

What do you expect your wife to do right now?

No, no.....wait a minute. I said what do you EXPECT your wife to do right now, NOT what do you WANT her to do?

Swap shoes with her for a minute. This is a woman who left the home, who believes that your marriage is potentially a failed one. In HER shoes, would you not begin taking steps to make sure that your children would handle that reality as well as possible?

I'm only saying that you continue to be hammered by her actions, when her actions are entirely consistent with the position that SHE believes herself to be in right now.

This is the trap the LBS falls in to way too often. Upside Downer is in a similar state right now.

WE, I repeat WE, see the marriage falling apart and can't imagine focusing on ANYTHING but finding a way to fix it.

THEY have already decided that the marriage is most likely not fixable.

You are forgetting your role in this thing right now.

Become a better man. Know what your goals are. Stop attaching your hopes and dreams to her current actions/words. Instead attach them to the confidence you have that this better man you are becoming will help her to eventually change her mind and move back in your direction.


Your ACTIONS are what is important. Not hers. You can't control hers, only yours.

Your actions are based upon your confidence and belief that you can SHOW her that YOU are her best choice, that there is no one else who could ever be a better husband.

As long as you allow these little tidbits of knowledge about her to throw you off your chosen path, you're going to join her in cycling and get further from that ultimate goal.

Accept that she is currently not interested in working on the marriage. It hurts, it's not understandable, but accept it.

Follow your plan. Accomplish your goals.

Become the friend that she cannot be without. As I recall, THAT is the person that I decided I HAD to marry."

you CAN do this.

stop going down the tunnels. Find what works for YOU.

Hi Kelly Jo
Caught your thread this morning at work and caught up on it. Sorry you find yourself here. Hope you are feeling better than this morning. I have a computer in my face all day and find it almost impossible to stay off the site, which just keeps my sitch on my mind all day here....not good.

That post Neilh23 sent you from Bworl is a good place to get to, and where I am trying to be right now.

Powerful stuff, and I am certain I could find pretty much the same words scattered in my thread from him and Forrest....They are only now truly starting to sink in.

Trying harder to read more threads from women who are the LBS for some different perspective....although it always makes me wish that my wife wanted to fight for me as hard as you ladies are fighting for your husbands.

Than I suppose you ladies feel the same way when you see the H's fighting for the wives....LOL. How can we all get each others spouses together and make them all understand....some kind of mass intervention to make them all understand how much we love them, how much we have changed and are willing to change???

That is not going to happen, so we have to get on with our lives right? Easier said than done, right?

Kelly Jo, I have been at this for over 3 months now, and last night was the first time I actually went out by myself, sat down at a bar, had a drink and visited with friends......how's that for taking my sweet time getting a life.....and I am still not sure how I am going to get to step 2 today.

My sitch is a bit strange with my W. If you have time to read it, you may actually find it....entertaining? Maybe it will take your mind off things for a while.

Weekend before last my wife and I were away for a concert and camping trip....this past weekend she reminded me of her intentions to separate and that I should not get my hopes up....and to stop being so "nice" to her and doing things for her....I am just being phony she said.

But anyway...feel better! Read that post Neil sent...Bworl has a way with words and perspective.

Feel free to drop in on me anytime and say hello.

NDS

My current thread

[The Wifey]

I sent an email to my husband to let him know I am staying at my sister's tonight. I need to be away from him today.

[Neilh23]

Good for you. a little distance will help soothe......someone told me that on here.

stay positive kelly....you CAN do this.

[ndsmhelp]

I sent an email to my husband to let him know I am staying at my sister's tonight. I need to be away from him today.

Good for you.
As much as it would pain me, I really wish I had enough nerve to just take off for a couple of days and give my wife some space. Not to be spiteful, but because I think that is what she really wants at times.

There is always that fear of "letting go" and giving her time to be "glad I am gone".

I don't believe I intentionally pressure her, but we spend way too much time together. More than even a normal happy married couple would. That was a problem in our marriage from day one....no separate lives...no separate interests. That was my fault...Mr. Controlling, Insecure Guy.

[LolaL]

Kelly Jo: I think that is a good idea. A little distance is sometimes helpful, and it seems to me right now your mind and soul needs a break. There is no harm in saying ENOUGH!!! I need a break, some time to myself, to care about and love myself. ((((((((((((Kelly Jo))))))))))))))) Big Hug for you Hun...its going to be okay. Just breath. Okay take another breath...and another...

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Kelly Jo)))))

I like it! Try to do something for you while you are "gone". It can be very energizing!

[The Wifey]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Honestly, the only thing I will be doing for myself is coming to the BB, because there is wireless internet where I'll be. I just need to get away from the pain. It isn't nerve or any grand plan to do something for myself. I just need to not hurt and cry for one night.

[The Wifey]

Let's just hope that the family is understanding and doesn't push me to talk about it. If that happens I am going to a hotel. This just hurts too much right now. Like you said Lola, I have to breath.

I really think there is so much calm to be had in breathing and in prayer. I will do both tonight.

My usual prayer is something like this:

God, I can not do this alone. I give this over to you. Please touch my husband's heart and please give me strength.

[mulesqb]

Hey Kelly Jo - Maybe you can give them a call ahead to tell them you want a refresher tonite and would rather not discuss the sitch. I did that with my family and they were pretty good about it.