I read recently that when one spouse changes the other one has to change because the situation is different. Some of their confusion and pain comes from their reluctance to change or to even accept that we have changed.
Ken
That is an interesting perspective. So, when we are in the midst of our change, and all of a sudden they quit calling, that is actually a good sign?
Kelly Jo: you feeling better this afternoon????
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Not sure about that LolaL. With a WAS they are leaving someone they are unhappy about. When the LBS starts to change for the better it changes the situation. The WAS then can get confused and even mad because they can no longer 'hate' the LBS as much as they would like to because the LBS is getting better, therefore improving the situation and throwing a wrench into the mix.
They can react with different emotions - confusion, anger, sadness, etc...
I've seen this happen with my WAW.
Sometimes when we make ourselve better people it holds a mirror up to those around us and they don't like what they see in themselves and can't handle it - so they don't want to be around us. I saw this happen with friends I had when I quit drinking and started to improve my life. I only reminded them of what they weren't doing for themselves so they stopped hanging out with me.
I think the important thing to remember is to make the positive changes not with the intention of changing the sitch or how the other person thinks or feels, but to change because it is right for you to do and it will make YOU a better person no matter which way the situation goes.
Ken
Last edited by ken; 07/24/0807:33 PM.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Something I forgot to mention the other day which is pretty positive. When I was over the house for my son's birthday my wife showed me a vhs/dvd recorder that she ordered for the house. I told her I'm glad it came in and now we can dub the vhs kids tapes to dvd's and there were some vhs tapes from when I studied jiu jitsu that I wanted to burn to DVD.
She then said, "We can burn our wedding tape onto DVD also. Or did you already do that?"
Thought this was a positive.
Ken
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thanks for the compliment. However, I have to disagree that we ever have to become comfortable with the actual feelings that we are experiencing. I do however believe that with meditation you can train your mind to greatly reduce over time the influences that fear, envy, jealousy, anger and hatred have upon your mind. In meditation, we instead train the mind to be patient.
I know this all might sound pretty screwy, but I do honestly believe that it is effective. If you are feeling anger, meditate on anger and train your mind to instead be patient. To be effective it has to be done consistently on a daily basis. You get better as you practice it.
Again, to risk my your view of my sanity, this is all basically built on Buddhist meditation techniques. It goes way back to an elective course in Eastern Religion that I took in college. Easy A and I also was quite interested in what I learned. I have dabbled with it over the years and now I find it really helpful. Not a cure-all, but helpful.
M: 52 W: 45 M: 21 yrs D: 20 S: 17 D: 15 OM Started 02/2008 Bomb: 5/1/2008 W Moved out: 6/10/2008
Sometimes when we make ourselve better people it holds a mirror up to those around us and they don't like what they see in themselves and can't handle it - so they don't want to be around us. I saw this happen with friends I had when I quit drinking and started to improve my life. I only reminded them of what they weren't doing for themselves so they stopped hanging out with me.
Ken
Absolutely. We partially define ourselves using our definition of the people that are important to us. IF they change too much, we can lose our sense of who we are, our identity becomes threatened. In my sitch, my changes have shook things up. I don't fit into her neat little box any more. I saw some small progress. Then, she was staying with the kids over the weekend and got the impression that I hadn't changed much as a Dad and I think this mentally allowed her to turn the box around and look at it from another angle and say to herself. See, Dan still fits in that box. That's fine, it just shows me another area for 180s.
(((KJo))) thanks for the encouragement on my thread in Infidelity. Catching up on your sitch, there is a lot of support and good info from your friends here. I know it hurts, but, you can stay strong and do this.
I came to understand yesterday that I am not the one that is confused about the relationship. I need to change and grow, but I am certain I want to be his wife.
I feel sorry for him in a way. He is so certain that I drove the wedge between he and his son that he could hardly look at me this morning. This is just one more way that he sees that I have hurt him.
Admittedly, I should not have called my son when I was upset, but the problems between them are their problems. I will not take ownership of them.
It sounded this morning like my h wasn't even sure he was going to come home tonight and might get a room instead. For the space, of course. I told him to plan on coming home and I would go to my sisters instead.
I am more committed than ever to DB. I will give him the space. I will pray for him while I'm away. I will distance myself and give him the space.
He needs his time and I am actually at the point where I need mine. I need to work on me for me.
I went to see a play last night and got home after 10:30. H had put my pillows and blanket on the couch for me. I went into bed with him anyways. I held and cuddled him. We didn't ml or anything, but he did say ILY.
He's confused, but he does love me. I have to take comfort and strength from that.
I think my own insecurity or lack of self worth is a childhood thing. It's basically BS and I just want to let it go. I am a good person that doesn't deserve to be left. I deserve a h that takes responsibility for his part and commits to working on our m. Maybe with enough space and with my own growth that is what I will end up with.
Maybe we will still end up apart.
Either way, I think I finally get it. I'm working on me for me.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
<--- red face