Kelly Jo The Wifey new thread.

[The Wifey]

(((Mark)))

Work is my therapy lately. I have lots to do! Everyone at work has been so nice and keep looking out for me. That helps, too.

I am going to work real hard at having something to do every night after work that keeps me out past the husband's bedtime. That is a start, anyway. Tonight it is a play at the high school.

[mrz99]

The one reason that I mention meditation is the point is to not "avoid" the issue. With meditiation, you concentrate on what is bothering you and attempt to come to grips with it. For example, if you are feeling anger, hurt or in despair ... spend some time meditating on just that. Think about the issue, the pain and almost analyze the feeling and then let it go. Do it while sitting in a comfortable position, eyes closed with a concentration on breathing. You deal with the issues you are facing in a positive and planned mode. This will refresh you and allow for you to deal with your issues when you want to as opposed to having it pop up all day long.

It is more or less a proactive way and time that you set aside to deal with what is bothering you. If you do this, it will keep it from popping up so much.

It does work. It is a way to train your mind and better control your mind. You have to be proactive about this for it to be effective.

I hope I don't sound crazy, it works.

[Neilh23]

good start at GAling....it really is difficult to do. i understand that one!

find something you enjoy doing......even if its in the same house....self nurture...reading, painting, excercising, gardening. whatever puts you in a positive mind set.

this is where ACT AS IF, i believe anyways, is really important

[The Wifey]

Mark,

I'll try the meditation. I am at that exact place right now. Just trying to control me and my little pea brain.

I'm also finding myself praying a lot. They aren't usually big, fancy prayers, but prayers any how.

[steady]

When my wife dropped the bomb on me I got really depressed and was obsessive/compulsively thinking about the sitch to the point where I could find no happiness or interest in my life.

Just keeping busy didn't help because the sitch was on my mind no matter what I was doing. I had to find a way to proactively stop the thinking.

Some things which helped me with that:

I realized I had an unhealthy connection with my wife. ACOA issues (dependency, fear of abandonment, etc..) so I started to address those as well as bringing it up with my therapist.

I also realized my self worth is NOT connected to how my spouse feels about me, even though I had connected the two. (This is very unhealthy) I had to keep thinking that her feelings, thoughts and actions are HERS and have nothing to do with my self worth. I had to dig deep to remember who I really am - confident, strong, sensitive, intelligent, compassionate, nice, etc.. I'm a second degree black belt in jiu jitsu, I was a police officer for years - fighting bad guys, playing with guns, putting my life on the line every day for strangers: Why would I be afraid of a potential future?

I also had to stop projecting negatively. A positive outcome is has as much of a chance to come about as a negative outcome. The big difference is 'self fulfilling prophecy'. Like it's been said:

You think you are predicting your future when in actuality you are creating it.

One other thing I did was put a rubber band on my wrist. Whenever I started to think negatively about the sitch I would snap the rubber band (aversion therapy) then either think of:

1. Something unrelated to the sitch
2. Any positives in the sitch.
3. All the good qualities and characteristics I possess

The rubber band has helped alot.

Ken

[Neilh23]

One other thing I did was put a rubber band on my wrist. Whenever I started to think negatively about the sitch I would snap the rubber band (aversion therapy) then either think of:

1. Something unrelated to the sitch
2. Any positives in the sitch.
3. All the good qualities and characteristics I possess

The rubber band has helped alot.

Ken...interesting. I'm going to borrow that idea. I have alot of trouble overthinking my sitch....and focusing on the negatives.
thanks for the idea...

Kjo....how are oyu doing today? i fingerpainted with my D's. good stuff...LOL...

[LolaL]

Hey Kelly Jo:

I do the meditation and the praying. I like the meditation right before I go to bed. I shut the lights out, light a candle, and assume the position (lol). Its about quieting your mind, relaxing your body, and concentrating. I think about the events of the day, my H, and whatever else comes to mind. I pray, ask for miracles, divine intervention, and trust in what I feel. It does help. It calms the mind. I do mini sessions in my office when I start to panic, and most of the time it helps.

I don't think your convo with your H last night was bad. He still loves you. You know that. Now, though, it is time for you to start concentrating on you.

It is different for everyone. For me, finding spirituality came in very handy, and in many different forms. I do go to church, see a T every two weeks, but also have seen a psychic and currently work with a spiritual healer. Working with this woman has helped me more than anything. But you have to find what helps you. Its about healing yourself.

Sometimes when we hurt, we need to heal ourselves first before we can heal the M. Think of it this way, if you are sick, you have to get well, because you are no good to anyone around you if you don't. This is the same thing, except it is an illness of the heart and mind. We have all come to this sitch through one thing or another, and it just takes longer to heal the pain because it is not something that can be a quick fix. It takes time.

Keep the faith, Kelly Jo. You are doing great...

[The Wifey]

Thanks Lola, Neil and Ken. I am putting a rubber band on my wrist right now. Snapped it, too.

I can't do anything about him. I feel it this morning. Good evening of perspective.

[steady]

I used to have one of those really thin rubber bands and I traded up for a fatter one this morning...hurts more...lol.

Behavioral therapy is a blast.

I can't do anything about him. I feel it this morning. Good evening of perspective.

This is where your peace lies. (and mine too) We don't have any control over them, their thoughts, their feelings, their actions. We can only work on us, make ourselves better people, more relaxed, detached etc...

Hopefully those changes will make them change.

I read recently that when one spouse changes the other one has to change because the situation is different. Some of their confusion and pain comes from their reluctance to change or to even accept that we have changed.

Ken

[Continuing]

Hey Wifey!

Thanks for visiting me yesturday and for the encouragement! I don't really have much advice to give because, like you, I am still very new to all of this. But I have noticed a theme in you posts...

I am pathetic

Hmmm...thats not good. You have talked alot about not being strong or not doing what you should be doing.

I think you need to be more gracious with yourself.

Situations like these, I think, cause a war within us; an internal conflict between the part of us that wants to move on and the part that doesn't. I also think we spend a large amount of time focusing on the part that wants to move on (doing things for yourself) while trying to reduce the BEHAVIORS (calling, begging, pressure) that stem from the part that doesn't want to move on. But often we assume that because we are axing certain behaviors we can't/shouldn't feel sad or that we just need to get over it and detach.

I think mrz99 hit the nail on the head when we was talking about meditation. We cannot consistently deny any part of our experience otherwise we will always be in painful conflict with ourselves. So this is the hard part that can't be taught, accepting yourself as a whole, accepting your feelings, and becoming comfortable with discomfort.

Until you begin to accept yourself you cannot detach. Detachment isn't a technique, its a state of being, its a realization that we are all separate people and that thoughts, feelings, and actions are OURS and not effected by anyone else.

This pathetic talk...where does that come from? That isn't an answer I expect you to post here; but something to think about, maybe with your counselor.

At the heart of all that we are doing, I think, is becoming seperate, whole people. Everyone's journey to this end is different but it must be done or our own self-inflicted pain will continue.

In the end we must like ourselves.

We're all here for each other and it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling.

I'm reading along!!

B