I am happy and content and enjoying life. I feel pretty confident about the future no matter what I have to face. I have many things to be grateful for.
That says it all babes!
I am glad you had a great time. You have made wonderful memories for you and your boys. That is life.
Besos!
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
OK...OK, the rest of the folks who've been keeping up with you have watched this transpire, but I lost track of you about a year ago and sooooooo much has happened.
I didn't read a year's worth of posts, but I read enough (parts of parts III, IV, V, etc.) to get up to speed. You've already decided how to proceed so you don't really need any advice. Still I'd like to share a couple of thoughts (both for your benefit and for others learning from your thread).
1. I think it's admirable that you have a conscience that still works and makes you think about what you're doing. But I'm glad to see you haven't let your stbx use it to get the better of you. My mother always said, "Everyone has the right to fail". She was right. Your stbx has made her decisions and set her course. There are consequences to that and fallout both for her and for those around her. You cannot (and should not) attempt to correct for that unilaterally. While the Good Book is full of forgiveness for errors, a close read shows that the vast majority of the time, this did not mean the consequences were avoided.
2. I've seen many here get sucked into trying to figure out what their WAS, X, STBX, etc. wants and then act accordingly. Problem is, it's a fool's errand. There is no answer to this unless you've found a way to crawl inside their brain. But perhaps more importantly, it's not your responsibility to "figure it out". If they want something, they are adults capable of either asking for it or describing what it is.
If they don't do that, either they don't really want what you think they want or they are sufficiently immature to be unworthy of your attention (hinting while refusing make a direct request is a passive/aggressive move that is used to con you into making yourself vulnerable by taking the real first step and leaving the other party in the position of deciding whether to reject you). As a result, I'm glad you're backing away from that. Your stbx needed to decide if she wanted to come back badly enough to put her ego on the line and directly state what she wanted and ask if you would be willing to consider it. She couldn't and you shouldn't feel bad about that.
3. Conditions are fine, as long as they are reasonable and not punitive. Trust is earned...not demanded. When we breach that trust, we can't just pretend nothing happened. We have to earn that trust again, and that means we have to take actions that serve to do just that. It is the penalty (so to speak) for violating a trust. If you steal from the company, don't expect to be given the combination to the office safe for some time until you've proven you can be trusted again.
Your stbx gives every indication of just wanting to go back to when she could be trusted while skipping the "earning" part of that process. However, it can't be done. You are wise to insist on some conditions which serve both to help rebuild your trust in her and as a measure of her commitment to making it work (or the lack thereof). Talk is cheap, so conditions, by requiring one to give up something in exchange for something else, provide a window into the cost/benefit analysis going on in the other person's head. At the end of the day, it helps answer the question, "Am I more important to him/her than what must be sacrificed to meet the conditions."
I think you're in a fairly good place and on the right track. Still, I'm sorry things have gone as they have for you. Stay strong. You will find some measure of relief when the D is actually over.
Thanks for stopping by OldFool. I've not been on here in some time now. We still are not together and our D is proceeding. Enough time has passed where I'm very confident with my decision. Life really is to short. It's better to live alone with our self-respect in tact then to be somebody's "second best".
You clarified the situation I faced with this sentence... "Am I more important to her than what must be sacrificed to meet the conditions." The answer from her was a resounding "NO". I'm OK with that now and have moved on.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I've rotated to nights after being on days for the past 9 weeks. Between work and my boys, I've not had a lot of time for much of anything else.
We did have a good time last weekend. My Brother bought some acreage down along the Ohio River, across from Pt. Pleasant, WV. Very remote, peaceful, great fishing and deer hunting. My brother says he wants to try his hand at some wild borer hunting which they say can be found around that area.
My Son (8) and I went down there to go camping and do some fishing. Friends of my brother's joined in and brought their kids as well.
Of course one of the older kids started on the stories of "Moth Man" around the camp fire and freaked my Son out. He didn't want to go to bed, but when it was time, he really started to freak. Don't know if you have heard of Moth Man, but it's a mythical creature they say roamed that part of the Ohio/WV region back in the mid 60's. This was before the silver bridge collapse that killed 46 people. They say it's still an area full of paranormal incidents.... UFO's, big foot, men in black, etc.. I have to admit, the history, remote surroundings, rolling hills, and valley prairies do add a touch of mystic.
It didn't help a very heavy fog rolled in about 2:00 AM that morning. You couldn't even see your hand in front of you. He was up ALL night and I had to prod him to go outside the tent to pee.. lol. Anyway, we survived without incident, but I was very tired the next day. He actually told me he's OK with "Moth Man" now and he wants to go back there camping again. I guess the fun we had outweighed the "aliens and creatures" in the area.
Last edited by Astimegoeson; 09/26/0802:07 AM.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
It's been a long time. Update... D will be final 12/29. Just in time for the new year. Also, almost 3 years exactly to the date we separated (12/25 - 2005).
I'm sorry it ended, but not broken because of it. For those new to this experience, you'll be OK no matter what happens. I promise. You'll certainly be stronger and wiser because of it.
One thing I do recommend is no matter how badly they treated you, they still are the Father/Mother of your Children. Most likely, they won't ever realize the pain they've caused you. Mine is still very confused and unsure of herself in so many ways. Reach deep inside for that new found humility and strength to forgive and respect them. The kids will need that from you to adapt to this new lifestyle they also find themselves in.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Happy new year to you! I truly hope that 2009 brings a fresh start for you. Though my D has been final for several months, little niggling details continue to pop up, preventing me from completely moving on. I'm sooooooo ready for that. It's been a little over two years for me since we separated and that's been bad enough. I don't know how you've managed to last three years without closure. At some point you want to just leave it all behind and move on with life (at least as much as you can given any children in the M). My very best to you.
