The Wifey - trying hard not to cry.

[The Wifey]

(((Ken)))

My dad is an alcoholic. (Though he doesn't admit it to this day.)

You are right. My attachment is unhealthy. I feel so low and awful and feel I'm doing everything wrong.

How do I detach when he is in the house? Should I be the one to leave? Do I ask him to leave?

[Neilh23]

Leaving.......Kjo..i wish i could give you the right advice. The space is so key to this sitch. I've learned so much about myself, and relationships since I left, i'm pissed that i did leave. Rationally, i know i had to, but emotionally i get pissed, thinking that things should've been better by now. I know, wasting my energies. LOL

GALing is the best way to detach. Do nice things for yourself. Enjoy the world around you. Just do things. Read something inspirational. Reach out to others on here (like you've been doing!!!..LostP.....[i will admit, my patience wears thing there]. ACT AS IF when you are around him. Limit your conversations. Hell, one word responses can suffice. Let him wonder about you. IF he asks, say, "I don't want to talk about it right now"

THe separation helped me, as painful as it seemed at the time. Think of it this way.....if you detach for awhile now, you will be better off when you reattach later :-)

((((KJo)))))

stay strong

[I'mstillhopeful]

Kelly Jo,
I remember how stressful it was for me when H was in the house and his focus was elsewhere (OW). When they are still home it makes detachment doubly difficult.

Have you tried leaving the room a few minutes after he enters - to do something which you enjoy doing? (I know, it's hard to think of anything enjoyable now.) I don't know if you still eat together but, you could try changing your mealtimes in order to go to a GAL activity outside the house.

[The Wifey]

I just want to get up from here and go home right now. It is all I can do not to rush home. I don't want him to leave and I honestly don't want to leave.

I am looking forward to the grad party. I will work to act as if and be pleasant.

I am taking it all in and processing it guys. I know I need to do 180's, but not for him. I need to do them for me, so I can get right in MY head.

[hoosiermama]

I soooo know how you feel. It hurts so much!

While I am still finding it difficult to detach (and I've only been in this a few weeks longer than you have), I found it impossible while he was living with me. When he moved out (really just taking some clothes), I thought it would be awful but it was so much better because at least the situation wasn't in my face 24/7. Of course still in my head, but at least it was easier to think about my needs and not what he was doing, once he was out of the house. It kinda feels like you're giving up control in a way because then you won't know where he is all the time and your mind will initially focus on what he might be doing re: OW at any given time, but that passes and you realize that you have no control over that anyway so why waste your precious energy trying to figure it out.

My other advice from my past experience--DON'T be the one to leave unless you are feeling physically threatened. In a previous marriage I left because I was being stalked and physically threatened and he locked me out of my house. In court he got to stay in the house for the duration of the divorce because I "abandoned" him even though I had bought the house before we were married, he trashed the house, it took forever to sell and I was about 2 weeks from going into foreclosure when it finally sold. It was a nightmare. Of course, I had a particularly bad judge, but still--just my advice from my experience. It's hard to plan for divorce when you're working for reconciliation and seems self-defeating, but it's really more a matter of planning for the worst and hoping/working for the best.

[ndsmhelp]

Wifey I'm not sure how you're going to take this but I'm gonna say it to you.

You have an unhealthy connection to your husband that you need to cut. You need to take it out like a cancer. If you don't you will sabotage your efforts. You will continue to contact him under the guise of some other reason, like that guy dying. You will rationalize in your head how your sitch is somehow different than someone elses. How you can use parts of DB and discard the rest.

You're right, it is different. The specifics of everyone's situation is totally different. But listen to this next part carefully:

The DB method works in EVERY situation regardless of the specific circumstances.

I used to think my situation was different than everyone elses...and it was. My WAW was at home with me - I read so many other threads where they moved out so I thought I could piecemeal the DB method. Use what I thought was appropriate, and throw away the rest. I didn't detach. My neediness and clinging was oozing from me even though I was leaving her alone. Now I'm out of the house for at least 2 weeks, maybe more.

You are clingy and needy. Whether you speak it to him, email it to him, try to hide it from him, it will come out in your voice, your eyes, your body language, your speech. Heck, it will be read from across the room without you even saying anything.

YOU HAVE TO DETACH. You have to focus on yourself. His feelings and thoughts are HIS. You have absolutely no control over any of his feelings, his thoughts, or the situation in general.

However, you do have control (For the most part) over your thoughts and feelings.

Feelings follow thoughts. Whatever predominant thoughts you have in your head will dictate the feelings you have.

You need him to love you, you need him to tell you he is going to work on the M, you need him to hold you, you need.... why do you need this? To make yourself feel adequate? To make yourself feel worth something?

YOU ALREADY ARE ADEQUATE AND WORTH SOMETHING.

You don't NEED any of this. You WANT it. A need is different than a want. What you need to do is focus on yourself and stop trying to control him.

Your self esteem is taking a beating because you have attached it to what you perceive as your husband's opinion of you.

I'm telling you this from my own personal experience with my WAW. I realized I had an unhealthy attachment to her. A hook where it didn't belong. I was basing my self worth on how I thought she felt about me. This is totally unhealthy and giving my power away to someone else.

Since I've realized this I've been working my a$$ off to remove it. And the more I remove it, the better I feel. I am remembering the person I really am. The person she fell in love with. My confidence level has really raised quite a bit. Her opinion of me does not dictate my self worth. I refuse to give that much power to anyone. Not healthy to do it.

I also realized most of the sadness I was feeling was feeling sorry for myself. I had to stop that too. I was a pathetic mess...no wonder she asked for a break and for me to move out. It was way too much pressure on her. I started writing on these boards after I left the house - in hindsight I wish I had started interacting when I first found it. But my sitch was 'different'. It isn't.

Save your marriage. Detach. Pull that hook out and get rid of it.

((((Wifey))))

On a side note - did you grow up in an alcoholic family where either parent was a big drinker? I wish I could do a poll on these boards for this.

Ken

Kelly Jo
Just wanted to stop in on your thread first this morning, so I will be on my own shortly for the 2x4 that I so sorely need this morning. Maybe a 4x8 would do the trick, for us?...LOL.

I read Ken's post to you last night before I signed off, and thought to myself...he could just as well have been talking about me and my wife....unhealthy connection, indeed.

I read it, I thought about it and tried to absorb it. You should too, honey, because man are we two peas in a pod.

Even with all of the good that I have had with my wife, I still will not give her space. I just want more, need more, and probably should realize now, that is how we came to this backslide that we are in now.

Ken's words again....
You(WE)are clingy and needy. Whether you speak it to him(HER), email it to him(HER), try to hide it from him(HER), it will come out in your voice, your eyes, your body language, your speech. Heck, it will be read from across the room without you even saying anything.

We have to stop and GAL.

Stop in and see me, so you can see how I screwed up again last night.

NDS

[steady]

Wifey,

If you grew up in an Alcoholic house you'll have ACOA issues (adult children of alcoholics). Growing up in an alcoholic household you were subjected to push pull love. "Come here, go away". Because of this you have a deep rooted fear of abandonment, where you think the whole world will collapse if you are 'abandoned' by the central source of your love. (Probably H right now) You learned how to make an unhealthy attachment due to this fear of abandonment.

It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It's just the environment you grew up in.

See if you can identify with any of these:

1. Fear of losing control. ACoAs maintain control of their feelings and behavior. In addition, they try to control the feelings and behavior of others. They do not do this to hurt themselves or others, but because they are afraid. They fear their lives will get worse if they lose control and they become uncomfortable and anxious when they cannot control situations, feelings and behaviors.

2. Fear of feelings. Since childhood and continuing as adults, ACoAs have buried their feelings (especially anger and sadness). In addition, they've lost the ability to feel or express emotions freely. Eventually they fear all intense feelings, even good ones such as joy and happiness.

3. Overdeveloped sense of responsibility. ACoAs are hypersensitive to the needs of others. Their self-esteem comes from how others view them. They have a compulsive need to be perfect.

4. Guilt feelings. When ACoAs stand up for themselves instead of giving in to others, they feel guilty. They usually sacrifice their own needs in an effort to be “responsible.”

5. Inability to relax/let go/have fun. Having fun is stressful for ACoAs, especially when others are watching. The child inside is terrified; exercising all the control it can muster to be good enough just to survive. Under such rigid control, spontaneity suffers.

6. Harsh, even fierce, self-criticism. ACoAs have very low self-esteem, regardless how competent they may be in many areas.

7. Denial. Whenever ACoAs feel threatened, their tendency toward denial intensifies.

8. Difficulty with intimate relationships. To ACoAs, intimacy equates to being out of control. It requires love for self and expressing one's own needs. As a result, ACoAs frequently have difficulty with sexuality. They repeat unsuccessful relationship patterns.

9. Living life as a victim. ACoAs may be either aggressive or passive victims. They are often attracted to other “victims” in love, friendship and work relationships.

10 Compulsive behavior. ACoAs may work compulsively,
eat compulsively, become addicted to a relationship or behave in other compulsive ways. ACoAs may drink compulsively and become alcoholics themselves.

11. Tendency to confuse love and pity. Because they don't differentiate between these two emotions, ACoAs often "love" people they can pity and rescue.

12. Fear of abandonment. In order not to experience the pain of abandonment, ACoAs will do anything to hold on to a relationship.

13. Tendency to view issues in terms of black or white. When they are under stress, the gray areas of life disappear and ACoAs see themselves facing an endless series of either/or alternatives.

14. Tendency toward physical complaints. ACoAs suffer higher rates of stress related illnesses
(migraine headaches, ulcers, eczema, irritable bowel syndrome, etc.) than the general population.

15. Suffering from delayed grief. Because the alcoholic family does not tolerate intensely uncomfortable feelings (such as sadness and anger), children in such homes rarely, if ever, grieve over their losses. Losses in their adult lives usually cannot be felt without calling up these past feelings. As a result, ACoAs are frequently depressed.

16. Tendency to react rather than to act. As children, ACoAs became anxious and hypervigilant. They remain so in their adult lives, constantly scanning the environment for potential
catastrophes. Problem solving and stress management techniques are something they consider after the fact if at all.


These quotes are from:[url]http://captus.samhsa.gov/central/documents/4AdultChildrenofAlcoholics.pdf[/url]

Also a good book to help you understand these issues:[url]http://books.google.com/books?id=6FsD0Kj...=result#PPT1,M1[/url]

I too grew up in an alcoholic household and can relate to every one of those items listed above.

I have a theory that many LBS have grown up in such an environment. I wish we could do polls on these boards. Perhaps I can do an unofficial one.

Don't take this information and beat yourself up or get overwhelmed - if you relate to what I quoted take it as a positive. Once I started to see these things I began to understand why I react the way I do. I could then take steps to change myself. And that's where the focus needs to be - changing OURSELVES, not our S.

Ken

[poet]

Wifey,

Ken, is dead on target. He knows what he's talking about here. I would really read these points closely and try to identify which apply to you because sometimes they are helpful. There are also books out there with "affirmations" in them for ACOA's.

((((((( hugs to KJO and Ken))))))))

s

[hoosiermama]

Ditto. Ken had some powerful information for you. You can make some serious changes in your life and your situation if you can begin to understand these patterns and how you can help keep yourself from falling into them.

[Neilh23]

I have a theory that many LBS have grown up in such an environment. I wish we could do polls on these boards. Perhaps I can do an unofficial one.

HOly S*** Ken. Where did you find that? I too grew up in an alcoholic household, and I am EVERY ONE OF THOSE THINGS. Do you have an IC that showed you where that is?