The Wifey - trying hard not to cry.

[The Wifey]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1533050#Post1533050

Not sure if my last thread locked because of the number of pages or something else.

I need to vent. I want so bad to call my h and tell him how much I love him. I want to cry and beg and ask him to love me.
That is exactly why I won't call.

I know from reading the boards that this won't work. I have to DB to have any chance. Tonight I cry and tomorrow I go back to work.

[NikB]

(((((Wifey)))))

Good job. Don't call, you can be strong.

You know.. I know usually I'd say "find something uplifting for yourself" but sometimes, as women, I think we just need to cry our eyes out. If that's where you're at... you know what worked/works good for me in those situations? Find a complete tear-jerker movie. Get a box of Kleenex, and let yourself sob as hard as you want. Yes 90% of the emotion is probably about your sitch - but it helps you get it out, and you can "blame" the movie. I know it sounds weird but it's worked for me during those times where "pull yourself up" just didn't work.

(((Wifey)))

You'll feel better tomorrow.

[NikB]

Oh.. and so you're not stressing about what you posted, I'm almost positive your last thread locked due to too many pages. I think the mods do some last minute "cleanup" before the weekend.

[The Wifey]

You are probably right about the number of pages. I just wondered because I'd mentioned getting a little buz. : )

NikB, I honestly don't need a movie to get me started. I'm ready to cry without it.

[The Wifey]

I love my husband. I love him with all my heart. I hope that counts for something in the face of the alien invasion. Sweet tight, everyone. I've had enough fun for one night.

[NikB]

haha nah, it's not the buzz that got your thread locked. Been here long enough to know that for sure. Heck they serve "drinks" on some of the boards whenever a new thread starts.


About the movie - I might not have explained very well. I know you don't need it to get you started. But you can use it to "channel" your sadness and help you feel it's not all about your sitch.

For example.. one of mine is Meet Joe Black. Have you seen it? Brad Pitt plays the grim reaper and comes to "get" this guy but then falls in love with his daughter, and ends up "taking" her Dad away. OMG... cry buckets. BUT, the great thing for me about that movie is I can sob and sob about how sad it is that she's losing her Dad. Heck I could probably watch Lassie and be crushed about the dog.

The point is you're crying about something ELSE..

[smartcookie]

((Kelly Jo)), I wish I had something helpful to say. My heart aches for you.

fyi, threads lock at around 100 replies, or 10-12 pages, normally.

[NikB]

Oh.. and, if you're NOT in that mood, don't go there. I just know the movie thing was cathartic for me a few times.

[sgctxok]

Hi Wifey,

I lock threads anywhere I notice them after 100 posts. (I've seen some get to 300+, but I try to get to them after 100...) When a lot of threads get too large, the mechanics of the board are such that 'loading' a thread moves slowly. So, somehow it was determined that 100 is the number of posts we target.

Not calling is the right thing.

Go dark.

It's tough. I'm having an issue right now. Got a pedicure. I commanded another DBer to get one not long ago...and she did it. I thought...gotta practice what I preach...mani/pedi today.

It's important that the toenail color be OUTRAGEOUS. or BEAUTIFUL. or HAPPY.....or ALL OF THE ABOVE.

so....mine is TAZMANIAN DEVIL MADE ME DO IT. (OPI)

So...consider it a command.....or whatever your outrageous splurge, pamper you is. NOT WHAT'S PRACTICAL. It's a girl thing.

[steady]

Wifey I'm not sure how you're going to take this but I'm gonna say it to you.

You have an unhealthy connection to your husband that you need to cut. You need to take it out like a cancer. If you don't you will sabotage your efforts. You will continue to contact him under the guise of some other reason, like that guy dying. You will rationalize in your head how your sitch is somehow different than someone elses. How you can use parts of DB and discard the rest.

You're right, it is different. The specifics of everyone's situation is totally different. But listen to this next part carefully:

The DB method works in EVERY situation regardless of the specific circumstances.

I used to think my situation was different than everyone elses...and it was. My WAW was at home with me - I read so many other threads where they moved out so I thought I could piecemeal the DB method. Use what I thought was appropriate, and throw away the rest. I didn't detach. My neediness and clinging was oozing from me even though I was leaving her alone. Now I'm out of the house for at least 2 weeks, maybe more.

You are clingy and needy. Whether you speak it to him, email it to him, try to hide it from him, it will come out in your voice, your eyes, your body language, your speech. Heck, it will be read from across the room without you even saying anything.

YOU HAVE TO DETACH. You have to focus on yourself. His feelings and thoughts are HIS. You have absolutely no control over any of his feelings, his thoughts, or the situation in general.

However, you do have control (For the most part) over your thoughts and feelings.

Feelings follow thoughts. Whatever predominant thoughts you have in your head will dictate the feelings you have.

You need him to love you, you need him to tell you he is going to work on the M, you need him to hold you, you need.... why do you need this? To make yourself feel adequate? To make yourself feel worth something?

YOU ALREADY ARE ADEQUATE AND WORTH SOMETHING.

You don't NEED any of this. You WANT it. A need is different than a want. What you need to do is focus on yourself and stop trying to control him.

Your self esteem is taking a beating because you have attached it to what you perceive as your husband's opinion of you.

I'm telling you this from my own personal experience with my WAW. I realized I had an unhealthy attachment to her. A hook where it didn't belong. I was basing my self worth on how I thought she felt about me. This is totally unhealthy and giving my power away to someone else.

Since I've realized this I've been working my a$$ off to remove it. And the more I remove it, the better I feel. I am remembering the person I really am. The person she fell in love with. My confidence level has really raised quite a bit. Her opinion of me does not dictate my self worth. I refuse to give that much power to anyone. Not healthy to do it.

I also realized most of the sadness I was feeling was feeling sorry for myself. I had to stop that too. I was a pathetic mess...no wonder she asked for a break and for me to move out. It was way too much pressure on her. I started writing on these boards after I left the house - in hindsight I wish I had started interacting when I first found it. But my sitch was 'different'. It isn't.

Save your marriage. Detach. Pull that hook out and get rid of it.

((((Wifey))))

On a side note - did you grow up in an alcoholic family where either parent was a big drinker? I wish I could do a poll on these boards for this.

Ken