The Wifey - trying hard not to cry.

[steady]

Neilh I quit drinking when I was 24 through AA and was introduced to ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics)issues back then. I found the link to that particular pdf through a google search.

The book Adult Children of Alcoholics is a great resource to read to show why those of us who grew up in alcoholic households feel the way we do. You can get the book through amazon.com

Another resource:[url]http://www.adultchildren.org/[/url]. That's the main page for ACoA. I just ordered the textbook and workbook today. It's based on a 12 step program modeled after the 12 steps of AA. I thought it might be another good resource for me to improve myself.

I have a hunch that alot of LBS have grown up in this kind of environment.(maybe even the WAS) It actually came to me as I was looking at my own sitch and my unhealthy connection to my wife and the desperation I was feeling - I was seeing the same signs of desperation in so many LBS that it occurred maybe this is a common thread.

Ken

[smartcookie]

Hi Kelly Jo, just here to offer support & encouragement. Hugs.

Ken, add me to the poll. My dads father died young from alcoholism. My mothers father died young from alcoholism. My father is an alcoholic. My 1st stepfather used drugs & drank. My 2nd stepfather drank & used drugs, socially. My 3rd stepfather, well, I moved out.

[steady]

Ok thats another person here. Thanks smartcookie. You are another one who has helped me tremendously without even knowing it. My wife said those exact words to me as your sig back in April... "I'm done" I was crushed in a millisecond.

I was just checkin in to see how wifey was doing.

Ken

[Sanderika]

Hi Ken and all.......

Ken you are really on to something big here......

I grew up with an entire family of alcholics:

Both of my parents were while growing up and still are and are still alive. My Mother is worse than my Father. My Sister and I will not call them after 4:00pm.

My Father's Mother & Father and several other relatives were alcoholics.
In fact my Father's Father used to beat up his Mother when drunk and they divorced because of it. His Mother became a worse alcoholic after that. My Grandfather moved away and we never saw him so I don't know how he ended up. I didn't know him.

My Mother's Mother & Father were both alcoholics. My Mother's Father committed suicide when my mother was 15 because her mother was divorcing him because of it and then she went on to be a very heavy drinker until she died 3 years ago.
My Mother's Brother is so bad he cannot have a driver's license and has alienated himself from the whole family. He was married twice, both were alcoholics.
My Mother's Sister and her husband are both alcoholics.

It is so rampant in my family....I have one Sister and she and I do not drink. We both agree we have seen way to many of the actions created by these people when drinking to last us a lifetime and have vowed we will not let our children grow up this way.

There is no alcholism in my H family.

I am soooo sad right now and it made me cry when I read your post about ACOAs and I "FIT THE BILL TO A T". I could not disagree with any of the points you made.

My husband left me on 8/16/05. We are not divorced but remain separated. My H has been with the same OW since he left me. I have one S12.

When my H left me I was very depressed...overwhelmed exhausted and in need of a pity party. I was not interested in sex with my H at all....turned him down everytime. I hurt him so bad. I regret that sooooo much. I love my H and always will. I want him to come home....he doesn't trust me that I have changed 100% in the past 3 years. We have very limited contact now and I am working on being "dark" around him....it is way to hard most of the time. What I do do though is treat him with kindness and friendship. He will never see the depressed "sanderika" ever again. He admits he has seen my changes and perhaps that is a reason why he has not pressed for a divorce.

I could go on and on here......I feel like my life is written in this thread. If you are interested in my sitch further I have pretty much posted my whole life story on this BB. Click on my name to view my other posts if interested.

I have been on this ride for three years now and I am losing hope that my H will ever come back to me. The odds are against us. OW has a strong foothold now. He tells me he loves her and doesn't love me.

I am going to stay in touch.....

A Psalm I found as a teenager helps me everyday (and I am not religious):

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5

My thoughts are with you all and I am grateful for each and everyone of you...I wish I had found this site 3 years
ago. I think my marriage would have been saveable then.

I spent 16 months begging, crying, talking, etc...all to no avail. He dug his heels in deeper and we grew further apart. I think at best we will come out of this as friends but not a married couple.

I am scared to death to give my heart away ever again. I have never been with anyone except my H and I am not willing to go down this road ever again. I don't think there is anyone out there worth the risk. I want to keep my H. Sorry if I am way to negative here. I am in C and I think I get better advice here than with her.

By the way my relationship with my Parents has deteriorated over the past 3 years to the point that I do not speak to them anymore unless forced to. My Sister is the same. My separation with H has brought my Parents to the place they were when I was a child and the memories for me are way to painful, when I am in their presense I feel like I am still the young child who doesn't deserve any respect or love.

I recently read the book "Women Who Love To Much" It is a wonderful book for people like me and it makes a correlation between alcoholism and women who obsessively love and control. My Sister has it now so I can't quote anything but it hit home for me and I would recommend it to anyone.

I will let someone else jump in now.....

Sanderika

[Continuing]

Hey Wifey,

Just saying hi and hope you are doing well. Can't really add to what has been said. You'll find your way...

Hang in there!

[steady]

Wow we need to start another post. Otherwise Wifey's is gonna get hijacked here.

Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1533890&page=0#Post1533890

Ken

[NikB]

((((Wifey))))

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs.

[poet]

"I remember how stressful it was for me when H was in the house and his focus was elsewhere (OW). When they are still home it makes detachment doubly difficult."

Hi Wifey,

Sometimes I think you and I are the same person. But I know it is only that you and I have similar sitches. I had a night home with my H on Friday, and we had a fight. It's not a good place to be in. He spent last night away and when he called me I did not answer. It was painful, but he left me a text message to call him. I did not.

He called an hour later and left a "I said I would call you once and you didn't answer, so I'm sorry," voicemail. To me, this means he called twice instead of the once he said he would do. I am trying, just like you, to detach, and it is easier when I am home alone. I like being here. That's worth something, right?

hugs to you this beautiful morning,
s

(Oops, that was a quote from 'Imstillhopeful' and not you. Sorry, but I think you get the idea, right?) Hope so.

[The Wifey]

What I need to know now, is is it possible for me to detach and give him the space and time he is asking for and both of us live in the same house? I just don't know if it is.

I actually went and looked at an apartment this morning and it was depressing. In the city (I'm a country girl), dingy, run-down, ancient and tiny gas stove. Definitely a no.

Then I went to my parents to visit and got a lecture. I know they care, but I was told that if he wants to separate he needs to leave. It made me cry, yet again.

I just need to stop talking about leaving or even him leaving. I am going to detach. One word answers, keeping busy.

You are all right about an unhealthy attachment. I feel shattered. I have my IC tomorrow night. Not sure about the list, Ken. Some definitely apply and some do not.

I have to share what my h said. He feels like a big failure. He is in pain and needs to heal himself before he can think about working on the m. He loves me and always will. He feels terribly guilty that I've lost more than 20 pounds and am a mere shadow of the person I normally am. I wonder if it would have been easier to tell you I didn't love you any more, which wouldn't be true.

You said I could come to the house and you would give me space, but that hasn't happened. He understands about me feeling shattered because that is how feels, also.

Why can't I just get it together before I lose everything?

[poet]

"What I need to know now, is is it possible for me to detach and give him the space and time he is asking for and both of us live in the same house? I just don't know if it is."

Dear Wifey,

((((((hugh hugs))))

I do not know if it is possible for you to give him some space if you are together. Here is what I know about MY sitch. Our lawyers are going to have a "telephone" conference on Tuesday morning, and I'm shattered too.

But, in my defense, my attorney is going to ask for an "uncontested divorce" with the stipulation that we both stay in the marital home at least twice a week together for 6 to 8 months. And, we must also have a visit with a mediator who has a background in marriage counseling and not a background as an attorney, to discuss the terms of the separation agreement.

I do NOT know what the outcome will be. I do know that we both want the house. He wants the D, and I do not.

His 'incentive' will be that I will give him the house if it does not work out, with my half being paid for, of course. All of this rather than fighting it out in court and losing everything.

I do know that it is possible for two divorcing people to live in the same house as long as you both "respect" each other's boundaries. I do know that my H did not "respect" my boundaries on Friday and so we had a fight and he has pulled away, yet again. But, I'm OK with that right at this moment. I was not OK with it on Friday or yesterday.

(I probably need to add this to my NEW & IMPROVED thread).

Hope this helps,

hugs again,
s