Can we please keep this a happier thread please. I dont want the same BS as the last thread. Had a great day with the family and now its time to wind down and relax. sitting here sipping my sweet tea and trying to translate my thoughts into common sense
so we all seem to agree on one thing at least I lack tact and diplomacy when I post to others. perhaps it is the passion behind my words that gets lost in the translation. I dont want to analyze this to death. I just see so much hurt and pain and for some the choices seem so obvious from an outsider. some of the threads here are people so stuck just like a deer in the headlights. they are afraid to move forwards just in case they miss out on a chance to make their marriage ok again. they are scared to death to actually take a chance to pursue their own hapiness and do something for themselves.i know what I did to my own family and i know the remorse i feel and felt when I was welcomed back home. at times it feels like it was a dream like nothing ever really happened and things at home are exactly where they should be. at other times it feels like I shouldnt have been one of the lucky ones who had a family praying for me to come to my senses considering how much I dissapointed them all. but in my own defense there are some things I still knew were wrong and knew that I couldnt cross the line. so i know that even in the very dark times God was still protecting me from hitting the point of no return. I saw a show on TV recently and it was about a Man who had survived a terrible accident. he was the only survivor and instead of being grateful that God spared his life he had guilt and anger and shame. He felt as though there were so many who had died who had families that needed them and should have been chosen to live instead of him.I think that is how I feel when I come to these boards to post.
I think I understand what you're trying to get across, Happy.
And I'm truly sorry you're still feeling guilt, etc. I think , though, that I understand. You worded it very well.
I think you're coming from a point of trying to 'protect' those that are here, because you KNOW firsthand the MLCer mind/heart/soul. You KNOW that it's really a toss-up of whether they'll ever be the same, or if they even want to be the same person again. And you're concerned that many of us here think if we do all the right things, say the right things, don't push any 'buttons' that will set off the WAS, that things will go right back to the way they were before the crisis.
Also, correct me if I'm wrong, even if MLC is involved, in the majority of the cases, the WAS had major issues involving the LBS that they never voiced. That those issues, in themselves, would/could be enough for a person to want to leave a marriage.
I'm not saying I believe that is the right road to take. But I also know many people are afraid to confront issues , so they take the road of less confrontation, and bury those negative feelings..only to have them fester to the top even more toxic than they needed to be.
Whether you understand it or not, you have a lot to offer by posting here. You can give us an insight we otherwise wouldn't have. But in doing so, you can't/shouldn't judge us...anymore than we should judge you.
What you see on these boards are people that are paralyzed at first by fear, hurt, anger etc. Later they learn to put one foot in front of the other. And in time, they are learning to walk on their own, AND to offer help and support to those just starting off on a journey they must make on their own.
When you see something that blatantly looks like someone just wanting out of a marriage, you have to step back and remember that not every situation is the same...and that certainly the dynamics of each relationship are not the same. People are here because of their love for their spouse. The love of their family. They've already had too many people tell them to get rid of their WAS, that they deserve better, that they're being blind and ignorant to the REAL truth.
The people that come here have placed their trust in their spouses for years. And now that that trust has been betrayed, they have to learn to trust their own beliefs and feelings, and learn how to manage without the life partner they gave themselves to. They have to learn to trust a higher power..something maybe they never did before in their lives, or at least not to this extent. That is a very hard thing to do for some LBS. They're afraid if they're not trying to control things, that they'll get even worse.
Oh...and the guilt. The guilt of the LBS. And the shame and anger. Unless you've been a LBS, you have no idea the amount of these emotions we feel. And what a hard battle it is to regain our sense of self.
Happy, you have so much to offer here. Your snippets of insight from your perspective are worth a lot. I hope you understand that. What we all have to be careful of is not to judge each other. There's already been too much of that in our private lives.
Yes, God is still protecting you...as He is all of us here. We'll still make mistakes, and we'll still pay the price of those mistakes...but He's always there if we ask for Him.
I don't know your whole story, but I do know that you have a passionate heart..that's evident from your postings. Whether it's frustration, anger, whatever...you are anything by 'wishy-washy'. You just have to accept that many of us here don't care to tolerate anyone telling us what is wrong with us anymore. So if you come off that way, you'll more than likely get your arse bit off. LOL
You're a survivor, just like the rest of us, and for that , I am glad.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
instead of being grateful that God spared his life he had guilt and anger and shame. He felt as though there were so many who had died who had families that needed them and should have been chosen to live instead of him.I think that is how I feel when I come to these boards to post.
But you can't know why you were chosen. There are so many reasons that we cannot see.
An amazing thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I've been having some work done on my house, and the contractor is a member of my church. He had been here for about a month, and just before he left, he said he wanted to sit down w/ me and tell me something. Well, apparently, when he started the work, he was having big problems with his W, to the point that he had gone to see a L. They are a young couple with a 2 y/o son, and he (contractor) is the oldest of 8 children; his mother has been a widow since her children were young.
So, he said that, as he was working on the house, and particularly my son's room, he was thinking about his W and son. He saw how much work it was for me to take care of everything, and how little my kids see their father. And he didn't want that for his family. So he decided to have a big talk with his W and work things out.
And they did. There was a big, but fairly easily resolved, issue that was causing the problems, and they found a solution.
Now, this has nothing to do with MLC, but everything to do with God's plan. I don't believe that God is happy to see a M end, but if it does, He can still make something good come out of it. I am much happier; I am closer to God; and my sitch saved a marriage! Not only that, this guy is a role model for his seven siblings. Who knows what a difference this could make?
Happy, we all come here wanting our M's to be saved. In the beginning, I will admit to feeling jealous of those who did get there. However, as we mature in our journey, I think we really do feel nothing but sincere happiness for those who make it, and regain a HEALTHY R.
I do agree with you that there are probably a number of Ss on here who aren't in MLC. My XH wasn't. Or at least, he had other, more serious issues that came to a head, possibly as a crisis, but they were there before and still are.
The reason I seldom post is that I find it hard to see people suffering, and I just want to make it stop. But that's not effective advice, so I tend to stay away. I think you are the same, only you act on your desire to advise! But people can get that kind of advice by just picking up the phone or a magazine. They come here to get advice on saving their M, regardless of whether you or I or anyone else thinks it is worth saving.
All the best to you, H.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I have followed your posts with interest for a long time. I may have even posted once or twice to you, I'm not sure. Anyway, I am glad that things worked out for you and I hope that this thread accomplishes what you hope for. I am sorry the last one turned into such a mess. In all my time here I have been most surprised at how people turn on one another. But, I guess that is the price you pay with emotions running high.
Anyway- It is funny that you are posting again, because I often run your sitch through my head when thinking about my own. I remember you saying that your wife did the whole detachment thing so well- enough that you were on your own but not so much that you knew you could never go back.
I am writing to you because I am stuck. Actually, I just unstuck myself but am wondering if I did the right thing. I just need some reinforcement here from someone who has been there.
Long story short- My H and I divorced in Feb. Right before it happened he began telling me he loved me (he had stopped for 3 years previous). He IMed me late one night and left a message that said that he needed to say what he has been screaming in his head for ages- that he loved me and always did. (Yeah, he was one who at one time said that he didn't love me and doubted that he ever did.)
At mediation he basically told me that this had all gone too far but he didn't know how to stop it. I let that go- I figured he needed to have the guts to tell his lawyer that he wasn't going to go through with things. He did end up postponing, but the lawyer said that he could only do so for 10 days and then he would have to go before the judge anyway to comletely stop the D or to continue on. He ended up doing it.
Still, he wanted to start fresh and said that the D was necessary in order to do so. We began dating and all was well. He got distant again and admitted that he was so scared that things would go back- that he didn't know if he could risk his heart by giving it his all.
We continue to putter along. He gets close and then backs away. He does, however, still have full access to the house. He comes in as he pleases and has never listened to my request that he knock before coming in. Last week he showed up with a basket of laundry! Anyway, I guess I hit my breaking point. I just can't handle that anymore- he has the best of both worlds while I am here dealing with the everyday stuff (kids, bills, yard, etc.)
I finally did what everyone has been telling me to do- I told him that I would prefer he stay away from the house. I felt it was the only way I could keep my sanity at this point. I do not have access to his house. He comes in and goes through my mail and at times he was looking at my text messages and phone log. He is still very flirty with me- last week we even went on a date to the movies.
I am having too hard of a time removing myself from the fact that we have kids and 20 years together. I mean, I try to start fresh, but I can't.
Anyway, I don't know that this was the right step. As I said, I think of you saying that your wife was tolerant to a point. My ex has said that he has driven by here at night, so badly wanting to stop or that he wants to call at times but doesn't. I tried for 3 years to make him feel safe enough to do so, but it just hasn't worked. I need to accept that it isn't ME doing this but him.
Do you have any advice/suggestions? I need someone to tell me straight, tact or no tact. I dont want to hear about baby steps and all of that. THe fact is, my ex doesn't know what he wants. I do. I want an intact family. I will do what it takes to get there.
Thanks, Happy. I will not clog up your thread with all of this. I just don't have it in me after all this time to start one of my own. As you can see, it's been a loooooooong time that I have been around.
I was going to lurk for the rest of the day, but I just can't. Your story is so *inspiring.* You need to know that I believe you are an AWESOME woman! You have loved your man for so long and now you are loving yourself. I see this as a great thing for you.
I admire your courage, your wisdom, your tolerance and your tenacity. If I were you, I would do the thing that most makes you feel *comfortable.* It's all right there, written in your heart! I can see that you have been around for a LONG time and do not post much.
I would like to see you have a thread of your own, but that's just me. I believe you should tell your husband that you have come to the "conclusion that there are some boundaries that need not be broken anymore, ever, again, until and unless" he makes up his mind what he wants. And, if that is you, then he MUST follow your heart and come home. If not, then he MUST respect your boundaries.
That is only what I would do, Pam. But I am often a strong-willed woman. Please go with your own gut! Remember. We are here to help you through it not to do it for you.
