Hi sweetie. Thanks so much for finding me and letting me know that you are okay. I think of you often and would like to hear from you time to time. I still believe you are the type of man that will make the most of his life and come out stronger and better. Your wife was crazy for leaving you. It is her loss and some day, she will see that and hate herself for making that decision.
I have to hurry to work. I forget to check my own post sometimes. Thanks again for dropping by.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, i have a question for you. i saw your post on another thread concerning letting WAW see how much pain her R with OM caused and how that affected you.
can you give me some pointers on how to do that? she claims they're just friends but seems to be more, lots of txting, calls, going to see him, etc. her family, friends have asked her about it, and she denies all. she'll visit MIL and BIL and call him from there, txt him, etc.
how would i let her know how much its killing me without pushing her towards him?
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hi Ken, I wished I knew for sure which post that was. I think I remember saying that at one time. I also remember saying, (or meaning) that by me seeing the pain in other people's stories here on the board, it made me realize just how much pain I had caused. But, let me back up and explain, in case what you said is what I did post on another person's thread.....and it is quite possble that I did.
First, as you know, every couple is a little different, even though most of the stories on here get to sounding a lot alike. I felt that if my H had been open toward me with his feelings of "hurt and pain" rather than show me his anger and "self-righteousness" that I would have tried a lot harder to stop what I was doing instead of "rebelling" the way I did. But, you see, he did not allow me to see the pain, but he showed me a bad side of him that I despised. He also treated my like a bad child and he was acting like a father instead of a H, so I rebelled. I felt like he insulted my intelligence by some of the stupid things he tried to do, so I got even. (I won't go into all of that now.) In the beginning, I did think if he had come to me and talked softly and I could have seen his "pain" and broken heart.....I believe that I would have melted. B/c in the beginning, I was NOT INTO AN EA!! It could have been stopped cold if he had handled it correctly instead of acting like he did. Instead, it went straight to an EA.
But, that is not to say that everyone is like that. If I had been involved in a more intimate A then it probably would not have worked. You see, I was just caught up in being a "bad girl" and the "sinfulness" of what I was doing a thrill. I had always been this perfect good girl/woman and had never done such things in my life. That is why I believe that if he had handled our stitch differently, I would not have tried to fall in love with another man. Yes, you heard me right.....I was trying. The OM made me feel special and I wanted more of it, but at that time, I knew I wasn't in love with OM. It was after the "blow-up" that I went emotionally running to OM with my heart.
Therefore, when my H became on so ugly to me, that kicked everything up into high gear over night! So, he did not handle the situation the way he should at all. When I found out what was going on behind my back and how bad he was suffering, it made me feel so badly and guilty about what I had done to him. Until then, I think I wanted to get back at him.....maybe even unconciously--to a point. Again, I have to reinstate that the threads filled with heart breaking stories of the LBH whose W's left them for another man--is what has really touched my heart over time. For all I know, I would have just felt sorry for my H and stayed with him for that reason.....if he had shown me his pain then. I guess we will never know, now.
Was this a post I sent some back a good while ago?
Anyway, for what it is worth, I still would depend on what Michelle teaches before and above anying else...as long as she doesn't go against what the Bible teaches...and so far, she hasn't. I believe the list that I have copied and posted to several is the best guide for treating a WAW or a wife that is thinking about leaving. To most women, if a H tried to show her how bad he was hurting...it would indeed come across as her seeing him being "weak". That is not the way you want her to see you if she is in an A with OM. It is not attractive. I wished I had not made that statement, b/c I am sure it must have caused some confusion for people. I should think out what I need to say before just starting to type in response.
I started not to get into this, b/c I write too long, but I guess I might as well. Another reason I was having a problem was that my H had gone so many years that he had not been intimate with me and our touches and kisses and hugs grew fewer and farther between. Of course, you probably have seen where he is not a talker and so I did not get any emotional needs there, either. He had blamed me for not enough sex all our M life and I had done everything I knew to do to try to make our M good....but it was never enough. After I had really prayed so hard and worked so hard and finally felt like my prayers were about to be answered and I had finally reached my "sexual peak" and we were going to at last have a fulfilled sex life.....he stopped all at once.....without notice, without warning, without a word of explanation. He never said another word. If I asked him.....I got nothing. So, I assumed it was b/c he was having performance problems due to his open heart surgery, blood pressure meds, anti-deppresion meds, etc. So, we were just exsisting under the same roof and I was so terrible lonesome and I felt like I was dying a slow death. Plus I was not able to do some activities that I once did to fill my life up....so I had the evenings alone .....on the Internet. Big mistake. Started plaing games, and you probably know the rest of the story. After years and years of dealing with one crisis and stressful things (as most families do), one more thing happened and I could not deal with it, so I would go into the computer world of the Internet and try to escape and forget about everything. What I didn't know, was our grown daughter, who was recovering from an accident, was staying with us, and she saw her dad ignoring me and paying all his attention to her. So, she had a heart to heart talk to him. Suddenly, out of the blue, he starts "smothering me to death"! By this time, though, he had discovered about the OM and although I did not know it....I saw something in his eyes that did not ring true. He almost had a cynical look about him when he tried to kiss me. It gave me the creeps. He suddenly started telling me that he loved me....and somehow in my soul, I knew he was doing it just to see if I would say it back. Women sense these things, Ken. They just know! So, it wasn't long until the stuff hit the fan. Then it got bad and he was not nice. My family may have seen the hurt, but he sure kept it covered up when he was around me. Instead, he tried to catch me talking to OM. I even felt like he set traps for me. So, I continued to turn against him.....and came so close to leaving him.
The decision to stay with him was more out of lack of finances than anything else. It has not been easy! It has been a slow heal. We are still in process, but it is much, much better.
Like I said, if I knew the post you were referring to, it would help for me to go back and read it again.
I hope I did not confuse you too much. Probably sounds like I'm talking in circles. I will go try to catch up on your thread b/c if she is openly having an EA (which W's always say it is just "friends") then you need to draw boundries, etc., b/c it is just a matter of time before it will be a PA....if not already. Mine would have if I hadn't found this board.
I never lied to my H. I never had a PA. And, I certainly did nothing as open as talk to OM around others, etc. I'm not saying I was a saint by any means, and I leaned that my H was a lot smarter about computers than I gave him credit!
Anyway, let me go read up on some of your thread and I'll talk more later, but in the meantime......don't let down just yet.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
