The Wifey - Still working.

[Neilh23]

Kjo-
i agree with Ian..now i'm not great at setting specific goals, but i'm learning. you're goals may be too vague.....but they are still good. try and make them more specific in HOW you are going to get there....find what works for you...

ya know?

[The Wifey]

Thanks (((Ian))) I will check out Rob. I am as humble as can be right now and I will gladly ask for his help.

[sgctxok]

Three small, doable in the next 2 weeks action-oriented and positively stated relationship goals:

1. To be able to smile and say hello when he comes home without having to go up and give him a hug or kiss. (Giving him space)

2. To be able to read when he wants to be close or when he wants to have space, and to be able to divert myself into some other activity without reacting badly at those times.

3. To be calm and consistent, without reacting, for the two weeks. ( I realize to make this goal I start with the next few minutes and then the next hour, then the day, etc.)

Those are great things to do.....but if you were getting the results you wanted with those actions....how would you KNOW?

What would be the first sign?



The statement should read something like.....

He will ask me how my day is..
He will take me on a date...
He'll buy me a boat (ok...a bunch of flowers)

the idea is.....the things you WANT MORE OF.....not things YOU WILL DO



(btw....going up and giving him a hug or a kiss is a great thing many guys wish their wives would do....it may be something that ISN'T BROKEN...so don't FIX it. Just....AFTER the HUG or KISS.....back off.....let him go do whatever he wants)


Your action list is GOOD....they wll probably help you achieve what you want......just be sure you know what you want.


SO follow up with the list of 3 THINGS YOU WANT MORE OF

[The Wifey]

Three things I want more of:

1. For him to greet me with a hug and kiss.
2. For him to ask me to go for a motorcycle ride with him at least once out of a two-week period.
3. For him to make a positive comment about something he sees me doing.

[The Wifey]

Right now I am really worried about my son. He is dealing with the sitch poorly and is also broken up with his girlfriend right now. He hasn't even come home since he and his father fought the other night. I have to go see him and talk to him tonight. I have to put this out of the limelight and focus on him.

[sofaraway]

Hey Kelly Joe, remember 19 is a tough age. Everything is personalized and I am sure your son is looking at this whole thing with a lot of anger.

I think focusing on him may just be a good thing.......


Ian

[smartcookie]

((((KJ)))), I'm here & I don't see where you're messing up at all. I see your goals, those are good. How did it go with your S ?

hugs

[Scott123]

He'll buy me a boat (ok...a bunch of flowers)

ha ha ha SG, you crack me up.

Wifey, you're doing good just take it slow. I know
sometimes (well, a lot of times) we want things to move
a lot faster than they do. Patience baby.

- Scott

[Neilh23]

Kjo- hope things went well with your son, and your goals realyl are good. Make them work!!!

[The Wifey]

(((Neil, SmartCookie, So Far Away, sgctxok, Ian, anyone I missed)))

Discussion with my son was ok. At first he didn't want me to come over, but I bought him some phish food (Ben & Jerry's ice cream) and showed up anyways. He laughed when he saw me with the ice cream and said, "I had a feeling you would show up anyways." We kept it light, he talked some about his xgirlfriend. Mostly I just let him know I was there, I was concerned about and loved him, and had a little light conversation with him.

Last night when I first went home I was reading. It got to be about 7:30 and the H had not come home yet. Rather than sit there and worry I went to a park by the lake and read until 8:30, then called my son.

After I left from visiting with my son I went home. It gave me a scared feeling that the h still wasn't home but I was determined not to let him know or react in any way. And I didn't. I just said hi and kept myself busy in the kitchen when he arrived just a couple minutes later. Then I asked if he wanted me to make us hot dogs or burgers on the grill because I hadn't eaten yet.

We ended up just microwaving a couple of dogs for him and one for me. Then he told me he'd gone to see a movie, Batman. I said how cool is that? I heard it was a great movie with little build up and it gets right into the action. He seemed surprised a bit, but he said yeah, he wouldn't mind seeing it again. I said I'd like to go see it at the drive-in some time.

I was so calm and cool you would think I was DB'ing for years. (Surprised and proud of myself, guys.)

Had a couple glasses of wine and then we went to our separate rooms. That part was hard. But I acted like it was no big deal. Just, good night.

In the morning I climbed into the shower with him. : ) I was rewarded with several kisses and this little snuggle thing he does with his nose where he kind of lightly nuzzles me around my nose. (I can't explain it.) Then he said I'll let you finish your shower and got out to shave.

We had coffee together and then another kiss and hug before he left.

I'm reading "Getting Through to the Man You Love" by Michelle. Ladies, if you haven't read it, please do. I can see when he did spend time with me over the past two months I would "reward" him by being sad afterwards. Not exactly the response that would encourage him to spend more time.

I need to reward every single baby step like it is the greatest thing I've ever seen. (And most of them are!)

I didn't react last night and I feel better. More importantly, he feels better this morning. I can see how this can continue to improve.

I know this book is for women, but I think men that have WAW's should consider reading it, because many of the principals apply equally in a relationship. I am going to order a copy, because the one I am reading is on loan from my C. I need to own this book.