Hey everyone. And, welcome, iamlost(soontobefound), how interesting that we share the same exact anniversary. Friday the 13th was always my lucky day. Lots of people thought we were strange for picking it... I know in my heart the date has nothing to do with where we are now. Just an interesting coincidence.
I'm doing much better today. Feeling less panicky. I fully expect to freak out again in the near future, but I'm grateful for feeling more at peace for the time being.
H and I had a very good talk last night. Thanks to many of you providing valuable insight into my relationship, I was FINALLY able to get him to understand the hurt, rejection and betrayal I've been feeling for so very long. I told him about my journal entry from July 27, 2006 and he asked why hadn't I said anything to him at the time. I reminded him that I did talk to him about it back then but he glossed over the issue. I think he finally understands that he carries equal blame (and maybe a larger portion) for our demise.
He said, "we stopped spending time together. I'd come home for work late, we'd eat dinner and shortly after you'd go upstairs to go to sleep while I stayed downstairs to watch TV." I reminded him of all the many, many times I asked him to watch upstairs in bed - just so I could be close to him. I just wanted to be near him - even if I was sleeping. I reminded him that he always brushed me aside and would say, "but I have that awesome TV downstairs..." I reminded him of all the times I asked him to go hiking with me... or to the river... or bookstore... or grocery store - only to get "I'm too tired." I reminded him that when we DID do something together, he called HER and invited her along.
He had lots of little complaints about me that bugged him and he said the little things kept adding up. Lots of his complaints are valid. BUT, I reminded him that he NEVER, not once, expressed to me the level of irritation he felt and that if he had, I would have worked on changing those things. I reminded him that he never expressed any of the things that bothered him to me... but he freely told HER.
There was a lot said last night. All positive. It was nice to finally be heard and validated. He finally sees how much of myself I invested into our marriage and how little he contributed on an emotional level - and he finally understands how destructive that can be.
He acknowledged that he has never been shown how to communicate his feelings. His family/culture just didn't do that. His family/culture also doesn't hug - even family members! I reminded him that after many years in the States he learned to give someone (family or friend) a meaningful hug, even though it was extremely uncomfortable in the beginning. I encouraged him to learn how to communicate or he would never have a happy long-term relationship. Not with an American girl, anyway.
I saw the old h last night. He apologized for hurting me for so long. We promised to always be friends. And then he held me close for a very long time. It was very much like the dream I had not long ago...
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
So, after this good talk, do either of you have any hope for your marriage? Did you ask him if he wants to work on staying married?
No, because I don't know if I want to save it anymore. I want to be cherished. I want to be an equal partner. I don't think he can give me what I need on an emotional level. I can't continue to compromise my needs. I am too good for that and I have too much love to give. A man who deserves me will be very happy someday.
At this point, I think it's best to part ways. We don't have kids. My love for him has changed. I hate to admit it, but it's true. Maybe after some time away from each other, but not now.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Girl, that makes such a big difference!!! You take care of you and your needs. I agree with everything else you posted. Someday a guy will keep repeating to himself :I am the luckiest guy on earth... K
girlfromipanema thanks for dropping in on my thread and for your kind words.
one of big things that came from my sitch is that i've been reconnecting not only with myself but with my family. We've never been close, but i've learned to end each phone call with I Love You. Even my father. and that was before starting therapy. its not easy, but he's a different man now after his own divorce and stroke. I had spoken to him rarely over the past few years, my D has met him for the first time a few weeks ago.
so even though our situations are hellish nightmares and full of pain, i'm proof some good can come out of it. I have the hope that regardless of how my M ends up, i'll find the real me. i've seen glimpse and i'm not all that bad. hehe.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
What an incredible conversation to be open like that and put it out on the table. You are the lady!
You were heard, had your say. You took care of you. And he listened. Remember how wounded you were when you came here? You found the way to heal, get healthy. Be THE Imp rather than the adoring unworthy woman looking up at the man on the pedestal.
So many lessons, so painfully learned. Walk tall, stride with purpose... keep the YOU going.
How interesting that we share the same exact anniversary. Friday the 13th was always my lucky day. Lots of people thought we were strange for picking it...
I think the number 13 is lucky, too. It's powerful as well, a "perfect" number in relation to other numbers in mathematics. That's why we chose it as a wedding date.
Does that make me a nerd?
Originally Posted By: girlfromipanema
I want to be cherished. I want to be an equal partner. I don't think he can give me what I need on an emotional level. I can't continue to compromise my needs. I am too good for that and I have too much love to give. A man who deserves me will be very happy someday.
Very inspiring, and very true. You sound like you're right where you need to be.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I want to be cherished. I want to be an equal partner. I don't think he can give me what I need on an emotional level. I can't continue to compromise my needs. I am too good for that and I have too much love to give. A man who deserves me will be very happy someday.
Truly, you are someone very special, and you will find the love you very well deserve. It will actually find you when you're not even looking.
((((((((((Beautiful Girl))))))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
