losing sunshine but gaining happiness either way

[Neilh23]

Chris-
I've been keeping up on your sitch too. I'm sorry things haven't been going your way as of late....But the fact that you have been able to do your thing, and still not get down, is great. Keep up the PMA. Ultimately, what really matters is that you end up as friends with your W.....esp. since you have two kids. Short term, that's my goal too.....but i want more...and hope to get it....

good luck. I'd offer some advice, but i really don't have any outside of hwat everyone else has said..

[LosingSunshine]

Quick question for the WAWs and almost WAWs...probably not so short an answer but it would be much appreciated.

So, I am happy. I am not on my way I am there but lingering questions exist that won't change the sitch but hopefully will add to my overall understanding and comfort that I have.

My question is what makes a women choose between looking and reading on how to save the M vs reading on how to find happiness as a woman and move on? I ask this because my WAW / STBX read a lot of feminist and womens Lib type stuff leading up to sitch and not marriage oriented type material. Not that it makes a difference just curiousity on a Saturday night I guess.

1st night with kids at the Ws. 1st night GAL without W at house. Had fun all day and night and looking forward to taking the kids to mass in the am.

My buddy just called me from Sturgis...next year Chris...next year. He was checking in on me and I was thankful...for the good friends that I have. To step away from buffalo chip to check in on me. I owe him even though I am happy and okay.
Chris

[MET]

Chris,

Read your thread, scary similarities to my situation. At least I do not have kids to worry about. Sounds like you are doing better with looking at any outcome as good. I hope I can come around to your way of thinking. Thanks for your thoughts on my thread.

Mike

[LosingSunshine]

Hey Met, thanks for stopping by. I will try to add the history of my threads at some point today. This is probably my 6 or 7th I believe.

I'll also put a shout out to LFW and Stubby to check your thread out. Hey folks, would you mind stopping over on Met's thread? Some similarities between our sitch's.

I'll stop by on yours a little later to check in.

chris

[LosingSunshine]

So, the first weekend with W on her own is now over. She moved out Friday, had the kids with her Saturday and was alone last night. Last night was the first night since the sitch began that I actually fell asleep before 11pm. Needless to say, I awoke somewhat refreshed.

Just got back from my monday am with my C. We talked a little about my upbringing (son of a Marine), family life etc. We also talked about reconciliation and how I feel right now, that I am open but primarily due to kids. It's almost as if I am protecting my unconditional love of her from being more open at the moment. Of course, if she was to express interest, I would rejoice and welcome her back with open arms but the fact is...there is so much work to be done if we ever get to that point that it is best no to think about it and just deal with it if it happens.

We also talked about how since she's on her own now, reality will start setting in, slowly and each step from where we are to the signing of the D papers will get harder and harder for her. Each time she drops off or picks up the kids, each meeting with her L, each night the kids are with me, each night the kids are with her. Of course, there is nothing I can do about this. It's just insightful to hear what he says she'll be experiencing. Of course, she might not experience any of that. She may be so hell bent on getting out that she's willing to deal with these consequences. Who knows.

All in all, another good session with the C. He's going to call my parish priest to clue him in. My guess is that my C believes it's heading straight to D, as am I, and giving my priest a heads up for the annullment process. Then again, maybe the priest might reach out to my W? Who knows.

Let's see. So, I slept great last night, had a good weekend and feel no stress or anxiety about what is going on. I started an alternate universe page for me and listened to some good ole tunes over the weekend. This week, it's me and the kids until Thursday and then I don't have them back until Sunday am. My buddy gets back from Sturgis on Wednesday so I'll be meeting up with him on Thursday to hear the stories.

So now, my DBing takes a slight turn due to W not living in the house anymore. Not that I will be chaning my approach much, as she's been gone for the most part prior to moving out but there'll probably be a lot more phone communication due to kids than in the past 1 1/2 months.

T - 13 days until we are at the OBX. I can't wait.

Chris

[ernest88]

good on you

T - 13 days until we are at the OBX. I can't wait.

boy I wish I was going. I love that place.

[LosingSunshine]

Mike,

The best part is my dad is springing for a day of deep sea fishing. Just him, me and my brother..maybe my BIL too. 1st time ever although I spent many of my younger years fishing the intercoastal waterways of NC, the Chesapeake Bay and plenty of surf fishing in DE, MD, VA and NC.

Add that to a day of golf and the rest being spent relaxing with family at the beach, it should be a good time.

Of course, I have to travel solo with a 2 and 4 year old via plane which will be exciting.

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

So W just emailed me.

She had taken the daycare menu off the frig when she moved out. The menu had highlighted all of the foods my son can eat due to his allergies and she copied it and emailed it to me.

But at the end of the email:

"also H I really am missing the kids- would it be possible to pick them up Wed night since you are going to have them for 11 days within the next 2 weeks....please consider it. Thanks!"

The 11 days over two weeks is due to her travelling on business and then me and the kids going on the family vacation to the OBX to visit my family.

So, could really use some advice on a response.

Chris

[sandi2]

Hi Chris, sorry that it took me so long to get back. More computer problems. But, hopefully it is fixed this time. I will have to catch up on your thread, but to try to answer this question you asked of WAW's and almost WAW's (and I can only do it from my personal POV.....

My question is what makes a women choose between looking and reading on how to save the M vs reading on how to find happiness as a woman and move on? I ask this because my WAW / STBX read a lot of feminist and womens Lib type stuff leading up to sitch and not marriage oriented type material. Not that it makes a difference just curiousity on a Saturday night I guess.

In my personal situation, it was the years that were invested into the M. We not only had decades of history together, but had already raised our family and had grandchildren. It would have been devasting to so many of my family members if we had split. Also, I think it had a lot to do with the fact of how I was raised to believe. I was a very young adult during the ealy years of women's lib, and for some of it, I could see their viewpoint, but I guess I was brought up to be rather old fashion when it came to family values, etc. Although I have always considered myself rather independent.......I don't think I would be a very good women't libber...lol. I suppose it depends on which of the two desires or natures is the strongest. Do you want to be happily M and try to save the M you have, or do you think you can be happier single and/or with a different partner. For me, even when I was contacting OM, I never read a book about how to be happier on my own, etc. However, I was reading a lot of "romance novels", which I realize now just fed the need I had and felt was lacking in my MR. Those type books would feed my fantasy where OM was concerned.

So, it really depends on the individual person and the type that she is. I also think it depends if she is head-strong about leaving her M, or if she is in a "limbo" state and doesn't know which way to go (like I was).

Don't know that that answer helps any at all, but that is just mine. Maybe some others will be able to help more.

Sandi

[LosingSunshine]

Sandi, your insight as always is invaluable. She is from a broken home and several of her friends are already divorced...not none of them had kids and were for real issues...not to minimize ours but ours don't even compare.

In any case...it was pasing curiousity. Why read and not talk to me? The answer there is that she was afraid when she had no reason to be. I think more of the ACOA behaviours flowing through couple with traditional WAW.

So I told W tonight that we already had plans for Wednesday and I will let her know tomorrow am about her taking the kids a day early. I don't want her to as we had agreed to the schedule and quite frankly, she needs to feel what she's feeling.

Thoughts?

Chris