I have had a really difficult time detaching until recently. I am really bad when it comes to backing off and giving space. This past week, I think I hit my breaking point, and finally got so emotionally exhausted I was ready to give up.
I went to see my C on Thurs, and she gave me some great suggestions for detaching. So I thought I would share for anyone who is having a hard time, because this has really worked for me.
Take a mental step outside, a sort of disassociation from the sitch, and look at it as if it were happening to someone else. Then, ask yourself why what you are doing is not working (I wonder if this C read DR... because she is on the point).
I did that, and I realized that although I have been making an attempt not to call, I have not done so well. I have done better than before, no begging or crying, but I still contact a lot. I forward jokes, I send little "hi" texts, I call just to say hi. This, of course, is not working. Although I have done better, I still have room for improvement.
I also realized that what my H is going through may not have all that much to do with me. This is not to say that the problems were all his fault, I had my share of issues as well. But my C also said that I have been addressing MY issues, and he has not been addressing his, therefore there is not much I can do right now. I realized that the fact that he does not want to talk to me now may not have much to do with me. If I need something he can give, he is right there to give it. But right now, he cannot do more.
Taking that step back and really mentally looking at the sitch as if I were an outsider helped me to detach a lot, and quickly. I cannot tell you I still don't think of my H frequently, but it is without pain. I am not always checking the phone to see if he has called. I am not expecting him to call. Right now, he cannot give anymore than he can, and I accept that.
I also have been able to come to terms with the fact that although I love my H with all my heart, if we don't reconcile at some point in the future, I will be okay. I will always love him, and miss him, but if it is meant to be, it will be. If it is not, it won't. And nothing I can do or say is going to change that.
A wise friend on this board once told me detaching is not about making the WAS miss you, but healing yourself. I am starting to heal. There are bittersweet moments, but honestly, this has worked for me. Detaching or disassociating myself from the sitch has help in a tremendous manner.
Last thing...I know this is long. I realized that it was not until now that I was actually READY to detach. I thought that by detaching, I was letting go of hope and faith. That's not it. It is about letting go of the pain, and forgiveness. I am still sad, but it is a clean kind of sad rather than having this heaviness on my heart all the time. And for that I am grateful.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Hi your post really helped me...weve been separated 14 months and because he is so confused and doesnt know what he wants I have had great trouble detaching .We were married 28 years.Now I am slowly beginning to realise its down to him to fight his own demons and I need to step aside and let him be. But isnt it hard to watch someone you love in so much confusion and guilt?
Yes, I can totally relate to that. It is hard. Your post actually helped me a bit, because I was beginning to think 10 months was too long!
I think what we need to remember is what they are going through really has to do with something THEY are struggling with. It is in our nature, and because we love them unconditionally, to want to fix it. But we can't. They need to be able to fix it themselves. This is a difficult realization to come to, but I think sometimes they just need to sort it all out in their minds.
I am glad I could help. Once I started practicing this method, it really gave me some peace (even though it has really only been a few days...)
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
What are some of the things that are WORKING for you?
- listening and validating anything he says - shutting my trap - GAL for me- excercise, healthy food, painting,movies, girlfriends,crafts, etc - reading DR and coming here, journaling -not reacting to anything in my life..for them most part...calming my temper -bubble baths -TV -PMA! - patience like i never thought i had- stamina to go the distance - DB coach - playing with my dog- walking with her
Whether they are helping you to keep your sanity, or helping your interactions during your separation?
BOTH- helps my entire life to be the way im being...i will never change these things
What kind of communication is working?
- some phone, more in person - he likes to email or text...i am going with the flow and not pushing one more than the other - mixture of ways to communicate... he opens up a lot in emails, sometimes in person too.. huge step - nonverbal- listening is the biggest, PMA, positive vibes, loving, CASUAL FRIENDS - being his cheerleader...saying how excited i am for him for this and that- always very interested in him...
Does it help to vary the time or place?
- yes- spur of the momnent is easiest for us..hike or dinner or lunch..last minute..if he can come along, great, if not thats ok too... - tomorrow is our first breakfast..he said oh that would be great- i wanted to ask but... ( i dont like mornings so this will be good to SHOW him i am flexible).. he likes mornings so i recommended it..
Are you talking in person, over the phone, text or email?
- most via email/ text to set up in person ( i always flirt in those) - in person he really opens up a lot about himself (amazing progress) - over the phone not a lot...becoming more...
so i can see it is all good- more of this and that- slowly and steadily !
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I will say what worked for me, not what is working
The biggest thing that changed my W's perception of who she "thought" I was...
I started acting like a decisive, confident man. Like the way I was when we met 30 years ago, and that I somehow lost. I had turned into a boring, wussy, approval-seeker! ACK! Looking back, I don't know how I got there, but I did. I'm ashamed of my former self.
I used the DR book as my bible. I was the poster child.
I also signed up for DB coaching, and it was fabulous.
Over the months that we were separated, I gradually started getting my own life, and I rediscovered myself, the REAL me.
I started playing guitar again, I started painting again, I went out with friends, and I actually asked a woman out on a date. One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.
The next day, my W asked if we could try again.
Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.
We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.
So that's my story, so far.
Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is: . . . . . . . . . . BE CONSISTENT.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Mink...that is an inspirational story! Very good advice, and some that gives me much food for thought!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I will say what worked for me, not what is working
The biggest thing that changed my W's perception of who she "thought" I was...
I started acting like a decisive, confident man. Like the way I was when we met 30 years ago, and that I somehow lost. I had turned into a boring, wussy, approval-seeker! ACK! Looking back, I don't know how I got there, but I did. I'm ashamed of my former self.
I used the DR book as my bible. I was the poster child.
I also signed up for DB coaching, and it was fabulous.
Over the months that we were separated, I gradually started getting my own life, and I rediscovered myself, the REAL me.
I started playing guitar again, I started painting again, I went out with friends, and I actually asked a woman out on a date. One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.
The next day, my W asked if we could try again.
Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.
We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.
So that's my story, so far.
Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is: . . . . . . . . . . BE CONSISTENT.
I love it.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
