What's going well?

[freespirit]

I have only just started DB'n, so I have nothing to share about what works to bring me and W together.

Nothing working for "us"...he reads an article (here on the WAW) and sends it to me to show me how wrong I was to leave him.no apologies, no acknowledgment of what he has said to me or what I have said to him to think about...nothing. He gives nothing, I receive nothing...there IS nothing...

What is working for me:
BEING ME AGAIN...it is working REALLY well...

[Ruth3555]

I know this is an old thread butbibwas wonderingnif you are still on here. Are yo a GAL? I am too

[keepyerchinup]

I find yoga to be really helpful for a lot of reasons. For one thing it helps discipline my mind. Tones my muscles and generally makes me more aware of my body. Helps me be more conscious, in the moment and in control of breathing. I can't really think of a negative to practicing yoga. I meet nice and seemingly normal people in the class.

I think building up to my marriage crisis I had been accumulating a lot of stress in my muscles and back. Yoga has helped me slowly stretch these out and I feel good knowing I've got more control over the state of my physical body.

Also I've been occasionally getting massage and practicing meditation. These things have contributed to my well being too.

[Elmo]

Lola your post really helped me this morning. Early mornings when I wake up without the comfort of being close to my wife who asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago, but agreed to a 3 month separation after 17 years of marriage and 2 daughters (6 and 9). Anyway, the insights on detachment doesn't mean you're giving up, but only letting go of the pain were on the mark for me. My wife isn't dealing with her issues right now, but wants to date. She is definitely in midlife crises at age 48 and I've been monitoring that forum too. So I have to move on with my life and take care of myself while being there for her, but I can see right now she is trying to keep from dealing with her issues and has only agreed to see our marriage therapist to "talk about how to work with our children," even though she verbalizes that she needs to work on her issues before she can be in any kind of healthy relationship with me or anyone else. In her mind she's already moved on and doesn't give our marriage more than a .1% chance of survival. She's actually re-writing history in her mind and writing out all the good things we had together while focusing only on the bad things. She says she wants to be friends and we will continue to meet once a week and talk about children, bills, etc. I'm giving her all the space and not pushing even though it hurts, I know she needs to do her own thing and explore and experiment without me. I'm praying that the next 3 months she agreed to therapist 2 sessions alone for her and 2 sessions alone for me and then 1 session together will begin to result in her seeing she needs to work on her issues too. I've been working hard on my issues and she wrote me a response letter to the one I wrote this week telling her about my goals and the positive changes I'm going to make regardless of what happens to our marriage. She says she is so proud of me (that's a start), but she also doesn't see herself in the picture with me. That's where I have to practice the kind of healthy detachment you posted. Thanks.
Jim B

That’s a great point jacksonbrown you mention about Detachment.

Buddha said, “Attachment is the root of all suffering.” What we have to understand as humans, is that nothing is permanent. Which begs the question, why do we get married and take the vows of “until death do we part.” But also what I’m realizing, because I think I’m in a similar situation as you. My wife is separating from me, and we have a three year old daughter. I definitely think she’s going through a midlife crisis. It’s sort of funny, because she accused me of having one two years ago, but my crises wasn’t because I wanted to start dating anyone, I just wanted to improve my health and outlook on life. I’m glad you mentioned watching the midlife crises page, I’ll start doing the same.

One other important point about this whole process that we have to understand. Doing the DB work builds the ability to love unconditionally. I realized, that I will love my wife even if she decides to divorce me, even if she remarries, and moves on with her life. I still have small pangs of resentment, but those only come at night when I’m lying in bed and my mind is tired—so I’m getting better. We are all getting better. I wish you the best with everything, and hope things work out for your marriage, especially for your two children.

[Elmo]

I find yoga to be really helpful for a lot of reasons. For one thing it helps discipline my mind. Tones my muscles and generally makes me more aware of my body. Helps me be more conscious, in the moment and in control of breathing. I can't really think of a negative to practicing yoga. I meet nice and seemingly normal people in the class.

I think building up to my marriage crisis I had been accumulating a lot of stress in my muscles and back. Yoga has helped me slowly stretch these out and I feel good knowing I've got more control over the state of my physical body.

Also I've been occasionally getting massage and practicing meditation. These things have contributed to my well being too.

That's excellent advice. Meditation can help with the feelings of anger and resentment. You can try it for at least five minutes at the start. It's tougher at the beginning, because your untrained mind can be like a baby elephant running around your living room. But as you build up time, at least 15 min a day, it can help.

I try to do loving kindness meditation: I ty to visualize my heart connecting with my w's. I try to visualize me strenghtening her heart, and holing her in my arms in a expression of unconditional love.

Another good one is to try the white light meditation, where you visualize breathing in white light andbreathing out dark black smoke to detoxify your soul.

Then of course there is the onld standby of just listenting to your breath and counting your breaths. Of course if you get off course and see your mind going off to some random thought to entertain itself, just gently and non-judgmentally pulll it back in and just keep going.

If this practice sounds wierd to folks who may practice more fundamental forms of Christianity, just remmember that prayer is very close to, if not the same thing as, meditation--so they apre pretty much interchangeable from my perstpective. Prayer definitely works, sor pray for your marraige, and ask your friends and your church to do the same thing. It certainly wouldn't hurt.

[JessicaHope]

I have been together with my husband for 10 years, married for 2yrs and 2mo ago I decided to take a break for we were both very unhappy and resenting each other. No kids.

I wish I had given better thought before taking that decision to move in with my parents for a few weeks, thinking that would be a good time for us to care for ourselves and recenter our energies, because the very next day after I left my husband told me he felt a weight was lifted from his shoulders, that he is happier than ever, that he doesn't see us being together again, and he would have moved out before if he had another place to go. That really hurt me.

I realized that I loved him more than I thought and I regret leaving him because if we were living together I would have more tools to try to fix our marriage. I don't believe in divorce, we always talked about it. He tells me he is sorry for putting me through this, for he saw how much pain I went throught the first few weeks.

I had been acting very cold with him, very withdrawn, and I was very critical of him in the past year, but I felt he would never address my emotional needs. I realized with this experience that I was depressed for a very long time and I see now I could have done many things differently so I could get the results I needed, but I hope to be able to make it up to him if we get back together.

Of course, I did the acting crazy and desperate when we were first separated for the first 3 weeks. He changed the door lock, he wouldn't let me get my things from the apartment and he would ignore all contact with me. After I was able to calm down, and stopped begging and crying we were actually able to have a limited conversation to define where we are. I noticed he blocks any emotion, as soon he gets emotional he wants to leave or changes the conversation. I know he is hurting, he has a lot to loose for leaving me, probably will have to declare bankrupcy, but he says he prefers going through that then being with me.
We had many good moments together, but he only remembers the bad and the ugly, he says he was never happy.

I am having a really hard time detaching, stop calling and texting, but I have done much better in the past two days, and today he actually called me but he only calls me when he needs something.

I am hopefull we can work out our differences and reconcile one day. I am learning to be patient and respect his space, even though I found out recently he has been going on dates with other women and he told me he actually went second base with one of his dates. Ouch! But I am surprised, for I was always very jealous, that even knowing this doesn't stop me from wanting to be with him. I love him so much, and I want to be with him.

What has worked for me is to take care of myself and go out with my girlfriends. I have lost 30lbs since we separated, I feel better than ever. I go shopping, do my nails, hair, make up, play with my dog, and write a lot in my journal.

Somedays I still cry, and get very sad, for I miss him so much in the smallest ways, but then I remember to act as if, things will get better, this is just a phase, I need to be patient and count my victories, baby steps....

[Elmo]

Baby steps is definitely right. Not every day will be the same, but we can still rise above it if we really focus on staying positive, and explaining things to ourselves in the best way possible.

When a thought pops into your head of how much you miss him, you can say to yourself, "I know this seems painful, but I've done such a great job of taking care of myself, and I've learned so much from this experience. Maybe, this experience happened to me so that I can better understand how to take care of myself, and love myself. No one will love me better than myself anyway, and the more I love me, the more I can share that love with others."

I am working on identifying every negative thought that pops into my head and then countering it with something positive. It's also truly amazing if you start to meditate, just a little bit each day, and during that time, you try to just think positive, and send love to my family and others that need it. It seems after doing that each morning, people I meet just open up to me, and can sense that I'm resonating at a higher frequency. Perhaps give that a try.

Whatever the outcome of your situation, you're on the right track. Keep taking care of yourself, and keep looking for the positive.

[sweetbabyred]

I've studied Buddhism for years, but it wasn't until I was forced to deal with the possible loss of my M that I still have a lot of attachment. I'm trying to be positive and improve myself. I will always love H; I'm disappointed in his behavior right now, but I can never be angry with him.

[Faithnomore]

One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.

The next day, my W asked if we could try again.

Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.

We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.

So that's my story, so far.

Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is:
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BE CONSISTENT. [/quote]



Very inspiring. Thanks!

[focusing-on-me]

Thanks for the inspiration Mink!