CAKE-EATING

[sgctxok]

This may be the women's version of the 'man up' advice.


Are you being told your spouse is 'cake-eating' and you shouldn't let him/her do it? You had better stop doing his laundry and making him dinner and having sex with him?


In general....that isn't good 'blanket' advice.


Ah, but sg, you silly girl. S/he shouldn't be a doormat....this person has NO RESPECT for her/him. And what she's doing CERTAINLY ISN'T WORKING!!!


Hmmm....

What does BETTER advice look like?

[Yoyowife]

SG,

What are your thoughts on accomodating your spouse? Do you see it as a doormat or a welcome mat?

I have been reading up on MLC. The books I have read so far say that a MLC is not a time to push them into doing what you want them to do. It has to come in time for them to come out of their MLC fog which could take 2-5 years. The books say you have to practice patience. Do you agree with this?

MLC is such a difficult time. I would like to know your thoughts and anyone elses.

[Sophie]

This is something that confuses the HECK out of me.

I've been warned against my H 'cake walking'....to stop allowing it!

Then...it's suggested I be as a friend.

I guess being 'just friends' isn't giving the MLC'er the 'cake and have it too'....

??

[shewholurks]

Doing things for your absent spouse should not make you feel used or resentful.

Doing things for your absent spouse in order to exact an action or reaction from them is manipulation.

Take the time to get in touch with why you are doing what you are doing. If you can live with it it truly doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

~ swl

[sgctxok]

Building a friendship is a GOOD thing.

If all you EVER got was nothing and you got to be a servant, of course that would be terrible. But if in the end, your efforts give you the marriage you've always dreamed of, it would be worth it, right?

You want to do WHAT WORKS, right. You want to build REAL LOVE ... and part of real love IS FRIENDSHIP. Love and care.


So....how do you BALANCE this .... leaving ROOM for re-attracting him, nourishing a friendship, and yet NOT feeling taken advantage of?

What would be YOUR ideas for this?

[sgctxok]

Doing things for your absent spouse should not make you feel used or resentful.

Doing things for your absent spouse in order to exact an action or reaction from them is manipulation.

Take the time to get in touch with why you are doing what you are doing. If you can live with it it truly doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

~ swl

From GETTING THROUGH TO THE MAN YOU LOVE, Page 40. This is only part of it, so you can get the whole response in the book, but:

Q: Isn't it manipulative to try to change him?

A: Sometimes women wonder if they are being manipulative when they begin using the methods described in this book because they learn to become strategic about how they approach their partners, instead of just allowing emotions to guide them and doing "what comes naturally." But when you're in a relaitonship, you want that relationship to be the best it can possibly be, and you want to do whatever it takes to get there. There's nothing wrong with that. An you're not an evil person because you want your partner to be more sensitive to your needs. No matter what he tells you, he wants the same consideration from you....."

..... "So, remember, whether you do it effectively or ineffectively, when you ask your partner to do things differently, you are trying to change him........Furthermore, if you spend a lot of time trying to change him with ineffective methods, you will start resenting him because he's not bending and he doesn't exactly appreciate you either. In fact, he gets downright mad. So, if you are going to reform your partner in any way, big or small, why not use a method that's sure to minimize resistance and feelings of indignation and hostility?"

[Sophie]

Building a friendship is a GOOD thing.

If all you EVER got was nothing and you got to be a servant, of course that would be terrible. But if in the end, your efforts give you the marriage you've always dreamed of, it would be worth it, right?

You want to do WHAT WORKS, right. You want to build REAL LOVE ... and part of real love IS FRIENDSHIP. Love and care.


So....how do you BALANCE this .... leaving ROOM for re-attracting him, nourishing a friendship, and yet NOT feeling taken advantage of?

What would be YOUR ideas for this?

I have to admit...it feels so much easier to be a friend...simply a friend. I have been feeling more content, and better about myself too.

Anything else has come to feel so strategic...and that takes much more emotional energy.

But, I'm new to this.

I don't know how to talk about the balance. I'm not experienced enough and have not made it through enough challenges yet.

I never thought my H was Cake-eatting until someone said he was.

[Yoyowife]

Building a friendship is a GOOD thing.

If all you EVER got was nothing and you got to be a servant, of course that would be terrible. But if in the end, your efforts give you the marriage you've always dreamed of, it would be worth it, right?

You want to do WHAT WORKS, right. You want to build REAL LOVE ... and part of real love IS FRIENDSHIP. Love and care.


So....how do you BALANCE this .... leaving ROOM for re-attracting him, nourishing a friendship, and yet NOT feeling taken advantage of?

What would be YOUR ideas for this?

I'm not sure exactly where my R is headed with my H. We have been separated since Oct. 2006. We have attetmpted reconcilitation a few times and he gets cold feet. He filed for D June 2007 and dismissed it July 2008.

He will tell me that he isn't seeing OW, but then I find out that he is. I don't think he is seeing her right now outside of work, but I can't be sure.


OW happens to be his secretary (yes, I hate that fact). He has told me before that he wants her to quit on her own. Guilt talking, maybe? She got a divorce.

H does lots of things for me. He helps me with household maintenance and yardwork. We go out on dates. We went out of town for our 22nd anniversary lately. This past weekend we were together all three days.

He gets really warm and then gets cool again. Right now I would say he is back to being lukewarm.

In some aspects I feel like I'm crazy for putting up with his moods, in others I'm glad that he is coming around. Cake eating? I'm not sure... I just know that I want to my marriage to be restored. Am I going about it the right way? Again I don't know, but I do know that we are still in communication and see each other often.

I also believe I am a much stronger person than I was at the beginning of the separation.

[sgctxok]

I never thought my H was Cake-eatting until someone said he was.

Girlfriend....this is EXACTLY my point!!!

[sgctxok]

Building a friendship is a GOOD thing.

If all you EVER got was nothing and you got to be a servant, of course that would be terrible. But if in the end, your efforts give you the marriage you've always dreamed of, it would be worth it, right?

You want to do WHAT WORKS, right. You want to build REAL LOVE ... and part of real love IS FRIENDSHIP. Love and care.


So....how do you BALANCE this .... leaving ROOM for re-attracting him, nourishing a friendship, and yet NOT feeling taken advantage of?

What would be YOUR ideas for this?

I'm not sure exactly where my R is headed with my H. We have been separated since Oct. 2006. We have attetmpted reconcilitation a few times and he gets cold feet. He filed for D June 2007 and dismissed it July 2008.

He will tell me that he isn't seeing OW, but then I find out that he is. I don't think he is seeing her right now outside of work, but I can't be sure.


OW happens to be his secretary (yes, I hate that fact). He has told me before that he wants her to quit on her own. Guilt talking, maybe? She got a divorce.

H does lots of things for me. He helps me with household maintenance and yardwork. We go out on dates. We went out of town for our 22nd anniversary lately. This past weekend we were together all three days.

He gets really warm and then gets cool again. Right now I would say he is back to being lukewarm.

In some aspects I feel like I'm crazy for putting up with his moods, in others I'm glad that he is coming around. Cake eating? I'm not sure... I just know that I want to my marriage to be restored. Am I going about it the right way? Again I don't know, but I do know that we are still in communication and see each other often.

I also believe I am a much stronger person than I was at the beginning of the separation.

I believe that it will help for you to find out what is so darn attractive about that other person.

And to find out what holds him back from making the commitment to you.

If YOU were him, what would hold YOU back from committing? What would you want to make sure changed about you or the situation?

Is there a big purple elephant in the room?


Is it a fun factor? Or a conflict factor? An appearance thing? A sex thing?