I still get depressed and discouraged at times (e.g., when I make the mistake of thinking about upcoming holidays/special events, when my kids are with W and I'm totally alone, when I see OM in car when W picks up/drops off kids, when friends get busy and forget to call or visit...), but I make danged sure to put on that brave face for W, kids, etc. I remember my C's advice to make life with me not appear less appealing than life with OM, so the cheerful act gets tossed in with the clean house, immaculately maintained property to play a part.
By this point, I realize that the "wave" will pass. I find that reading the archived threads help me a lot. So do fun DVDs (MST3K, Anthony Bourdain), uplifting tunes (e.g., the New Radicals' "You Get What You Give"). Prayer helps. As goofy as it may sound, re-reading some of my Fraternity stuff helps (our tradition describes us as knights in the noblest sense).
I hate that my W is with OM, but between my getting a new job, revitalizing my R with my sons, reclaiming my great R with my in-laws, working with a great C, and trying so hard to be peppy and friendly with W while still letting her have her "space" and "time," I've come to the conclusion that I'm doing what I should to this point. Hell, I've even told people that this crisis has resulted in positive changes (which it has), knowing full well that comments like that will get back to W.
This is damned hard. It's draining. But it's right. I believe that in my heart.
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Mike, yes it is right. Not alot of men would put up with the pain. It is obvious you love your wife and children.For me it has been the longest and shortest 11 months of my life. But like you it is worth it. it is right. it is what God wants us to do.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Man UP for me was doing things from the heart and out of love even if it causes you pain. It is about being the best friend to your best friend even if they don't reciprocate. It is about giving them what they need not what you think they need. It is about doing these things because you choose to, not because you need to and making it clear that you have a life and a backbone. It is about setting an example for your children, wife, friends and family. It is being the "rock" that your best friend needs even though you feel like a pile of pebbles. It is about taking the high road without being judgemental. Ultimately it might be having the courage to make the final R choice (D) when you reach your endurance limit.
In my sitch, my W and I separated with the sale of our dream home. I had always been the "doer" inthe household....getting things done. Everyone knew it, everyone (mostly her family and friends) told me to let her choke on her own space that she was asking for, to let her fall flat on her face in the task of moving a household including our children. Effectively going dark.
Why would I do that to my best friend...the person I chose to marry and have children with. My W received virtually no help from any of her friends/family. If I did the same, I would just be one of them and would have justified her choice.
Instead I chose to respect her space and let her swim a little bit. If she started having trouble swimming then I would quietly throw a life line and help her tread water (fix something in the new house, help unburden some of the laundry, unpack some boxes). Something done so as to not take over but to gently help, to give her the strength to swim again and still have her space. All done without any expectation or need for praise....just helping a friend. I never let her drown.
At the end of the day I would then go and fix up my place and make it in to a family environment. One that would be comfortable for anyone to come and visit, one where my kids would want to go to. Basically moving on with my life
I would also be the ear to listen to her, never bringing up the R talk. I never required her to give an apology by saying she made a mistake (honestly she didn't). I just allowed her to show her love and renewed interest. Don't even want to talk about it....words always get us in trouble.
In the beginning I had quite a few people shake their heads at me, tell me I was a fool. This fool is back with is wife in a R that has seen more mutual respect and love in the last couple of months than it has seen in a long-long time.
Sorry for rambling on so much
PS: So many times I see people "go dark" and "set boundaries" with their WAS with such a tone of vindictiveness that it makes me sad. They really miss the point. Vindictiveness will never lead you back into your loved one's heart
Last edited by TwinDad; 08/06/0803:41 PM.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Your list is a great one and something ALL of us should aspire to ALL the time, DB'ing in a crisis or not.
Think about it...
Quote:
It is about being the best friend to your best friend even if they don't reciprocate. Unconditional love.
It is about giving them what they need not what you think they need. Empathy to others.
It is about doing these things because you choose to, not because you need to and making it clear that you have a life and a backbone. Self respect and care.
It is about setting an example for your children, wife, friends and family. Personal integrity.
It is being the "rock" that your best friend needs even though you feel like a pile of pebbles. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
It is about taking the high road without being judgemental. Personal character.
Ultimately it might be having the courage to make the final R choice (D) when you reach your endurance limit. Being honest with yourself.
I think the point of this thread was exactly what you mentioned in your last paragraph.
If you are choosing to do something to send a message - TALK to the person and give them the message instead.
If you are choosing to do something to punish or seek revenge - THINK about what that says about YOU.
If you are choosing to do something only because it might save your marriage - BEWARE that the change is artificial and will not last.
Personal integrity, being who you are because that is who you are, and having compassion and empathy to the most important person in your life should trump all in the end.
If your plans do not stack up against who you think you are as a human being, chances are those plans are ill advised.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Phil: The exoteric motto for my fraternity is "Be Men" (In Greek, which is the way it's written on our crest, it's pronounced "An-dreeth-es-thay". That's pretty much what I'd been working with.
Last weekend, one of the guys I was hanging with in the bar was a younger alum Brother, and I went off on an admittedly beer-fueled rant about how our Fraternity motto and our tradition as latter-day knights has helped me focus on the kind of man I aspire to be and how I should behave. I don't know if it was the Labatt's, the content, or how I delivered it, but the guy was impressed.
Twindad: Great post, and having decided to read a lot of the posts in your attached threads, I have to say, you're an inspiration. Knowing that there can be light at the end of the tunnel and that taking the high ground -despite what the world thinks and advises- can get you to that light as a better person, well, it helps.
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
Man UP for me was doing things from the heart and out of love even if it causes you pain. It is about being the best friend to your best friend even if they don't reciprocate. It is about giving them what they need not what you think they need. It is about doing these things because you choose to, not because you need to and making it clear that you have a life and a backbone. It is about setting an example for your children, wife, friends and family. It is being the "rock" that your best friend needs even though you feel like a pile of pebbles. It is about taking the high road without being judgemental. Ultimately it might be having the courage to make the final R choice (D) when you reach your endurance limit.
In my sitch, my W and I separated with the sale of our dream home. I had always been the "doer" inthe household....getting things done. Everyone knew it, everyone (mostly her family and friends) told me to let her choke on her own space that she was asking for, to let her fall flat on her face in the task of moving a household including our children. Effectively going dark.
Why would I do that to my best friend...the person I chose to marry and have children with. My W received virtually no help from any of her friends/family. If I did the same, I would just be one of them and would have justified her choice.
Instead I chose to respect her space and let her swim a little bit. If she started having trouble swimming then I would quietly throw a life line and help her tread water (fix something in the new house, help unburden some of the laundry, unpack some boxes). Something done so as to not take over but to gently help, to give her the strength to swim again and still have her space. All done without any expectation or need for praise....just helping a friend. I never let her drown.
At the end of the day I would then go and fix up my place and make it in to a family environment. One that would be comfortable for anyone to come and visit, one where my kids would want to go to. Basically moving on with my life
I would also be the ear to listen to her, never bringing up the R talk. I never required her to give an apology by saying she made a mistake (honestly she didn't). I just allowed her to show her love and renewed interest. Don't even want to talk about it....words always get us in trouble.
In the beginning I had quite a few people shake their heads at me, tell me I was a fool. This fool is back with is wife in a R that has seen more mutual respect and love in the last couple of months than it has seen in a long-long time.
Sorry for rambling on so much
PS: So many times I see people "go dark" and "set boundaries" with their WAS with such a tone of vindictiveness that it makes me sad. They really miss the point. Vindictiveness will never lead you back into your loved one's heart
You have SO MUCH wisdom in here!!!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
