Like many on here, I have given much thought to the GAL concept and what could I do. I have had some success with adjusting my mindset, but with small kids, I do feel guilty going off and doing something that is just for me.
One thing I have thought about is losing some weight. I believe part of the reason my wife is not as sexual as I would like her to be is that she would like to lose some weight, probably 15-20 pounds. I am right now 15-20 pounds over my ideal weight (the weight I was at 6 years ago when I did my last triathlon). I am 6'3" so going from 200 up to 215-220 is not like I feel like I am grossly out of shape, but yet, I would feel better about myself, I would be healthier, my clothes would fit better, and, as an added kicker, my wife might be more attracted to me physically if I would get back to 200.
While I know how to lose this weight, I just haven't been able to make a disciplined effort and I think part of it is because of our SSM. At the end of the day, when I am not getting affection (not just sex, but affection and focus) from my wife, I find something else to do, usually on the computer or tv. Part of this habit involves my love of a bowl of ice cream in the evening, and can involve a beer or glass of wine or two. Finally, I get tired by 10:30-11 and go to bed, extra calories and all. Because I stay up later, this frequently means I don't feel like working out at 5:30 am, which is generally the only time of the day I can, and I get a double whammy towards my gut.
Hence, my theory that the SSM is linked.
Part of the issue, and hang with me because this is where I am going with this, is that I have no one to hold me accountable. My wife won't because these habits keep pressure off of her and I don't have anyone else trying to lose weight to pair up with.
It seems to me that there are others on this board that may have this same weight loss/ssm/gal linkage and might want to do something about it. If so, I would like to hear from you and thought that one or more of you might want to set a goal and journal here towards it. I know for me, even though no one here knows who I am, just having to journal (thanks for the inspiration Ali) my days activities and achievements would help hold my feet to the fire.
What do you think? Anyone want to join in?
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
just having to journal (thanks for the inspiration Ali) my days activities and achievements would help hold my feet to the fire.
I AGREE~ You are very welcome. Glad to see you here. The more the merrier!
WELCOME~ I am game. In my last thread I touched on the weight thing. I had started but I kept falling off the wagon . So to speak. I stopped out of frustration. I then weighed myself this morning and I am down 6 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was trying to hard?
Let me know~ how we are going to do this. My Anniversary Is on sept 26. I would love to be even lighter by then.
What I thinking of doing is putting down my starting weight, goal weight, and target date on day 1 (I am thinking this Monday) and then journalling about what I am doing to get there and my weigh in results.
For me, the only thing that works is to cut my calories down to 1,800/day and keep a diary, plus increase my exercise. This board will help keep me honest if I know others are participating as well.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Ok I agree with evrything. I write it down I lose too. But I am not putting my weight down on my journal. That is too personal. { but my sex life isnt..}
Well you know what I mean. Monday?
Cool so that means I can hit the Buffet before then? Chinese or .... Just kidding.... Sounds great! ~Ali
That is too funny that you will discuss all aspects of your sex life, but your weight is off limits! I swear, I will go to my grave with no understanding of women...
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
"Like many on here, I have given much thought to the GAL concept and what could I do. I have had some success with adjusting my mindset, but with small kids, I do feel guilty going off and doing something that is just for me."
Er...Why? Why feel guilty about doing things just for yourself? What kind of example does doing only things for others teach them? Lose the guilt man.
"While I know how to lose this weight, I just haven't been able to make a disciplined effort and I think part of it is because of our SSM. At the end of the day, when I am not getting affection (not just sex, but affection and focus) from my wife, I find something else to do, usually on the computer or tv. Part of this habit involves my love of a bowl of ice cream in the evening, and can involve a beer or glass of wine or two. Finally, I get tired by 10:30-11 and go to bed, extra calories and all. Because I stay up later, this frequently means I don't feel like working out at 5:30 am, which is generally the only time of the day I can, and I get a double whammy towards my gut. Hence, my theory that the SSM is linked."
I'm afraid this is all just one big lousy excuse. Man comes before Marriage - both in history and in real life (and in the dictionary as well). The only link between your physical shape and your SSM is in your mind - cut that link right away.
The "If only I had more sex I could start being a real man" programme is becoming increasingly recognised as faulty software that creates an endlessly-replicating virus, gradually slowing down your whole system, and eventually resulting in a crash.
Reboot.
"Part of the issue, and hang with me because this is where I am going with this, is that I have no one to hold me accountable. My wife won't because these habits keep pressure off of her and I don't have anyone else trying to lose weight to pair up with."
The only person you should ever be accountable to you is YOU. No-one else...Ever. That's not to say you should go around acting the egotistical jerk. But it does mean taking responsibility for your OWN mental, physical, emotional, economic and spiritual well-being. ALL THE TIME.
It sounds to me like you're in serious need of some proper, hard, authentic, masculine re-energization. Join a sports club or a gym (a proper man's one - not filled with lycra-clad beauties) and start going regularly. Get disciplined and get into the right physical shape. NOT for your wife, but for YOU.
The mental, physical, emotional, economic and spiritual aspects of a man are all inter-linked in my view, but probably the biggest and most beneficial effect a man can bring about in his own life is to get into (and stay in) great physical shape. The rest almost inevitably improves as a result.
If your wife chooses to follow your example, so much the better. If she doesn't that's frankly her problem, and would suggest that her "weight" is just an excuse not to make the effort to have a passionate physical relationship with you. And as you must have already realised by now, your marriage will not (indeed should not) survive in the long term without such a relationship.
Either way, you need to ditch this "I would do X, Y and Z with my life, if only I wasn't in a SSM" mentality which seems to plague so men when they first come to this board. Its not masculine and its not attractive.
Your purpose and life as a man must never be contingent in your mind on whether or not you are going to get sex from your wife. Think about it - its like volunteering to live the rest of your life in a cage - with your wife as the Zookeeper. Its no way for a man to live.
Good luck with the New You.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
Your purpose and life as a man must never be contingent in your mind on whether or not you are going to get sex from your wife. Think about it - its like volunteering to live the rest of your life in a cage - with your wife as the Zookeeper. Its no way for a man to live.
Add a few letters and VOILA' , I love it Your purpose and life as a Woman must never be contingent in your mind on whether or not you are going to get sex from your Husband. Think about it - its like volunteering to live the rest of your life in a cage - with your Husband as the Zookeeper. Its no way for a Woman to live.
WOw ~ sad but true...
I like that just what I needed to read actually. S&A~ you are good. When In Gods name are you going to start a thread? God bless... ~Ali
You can read my sitch on DQ's first "sex blog", but I will start a thread very soon in which I will be asking for some advice, especially from the women on the board.
By the way - the cage thing comes from:
"Wild Things in Captivity
By DH Lawrence
Wild things in captivity while they keep their own wild purity won't breed, they mope, they die.
All men are in captivity, active with captive activity, and the best won't breed, though they don't know why.
The great cage of our domesticity kills sex in a man, the simplicity of desire is distorted and twisted awry.
And so, with bitter perversity, gritting against the great adversity, they young ones copulate, hate it, and want to cry.
Sex is a state of grace. In a cage it can't take place. Break the cage then, start in and try."
A very multi-layered poem that requires several readings.
As does another of his:
"Self Pity
I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."
In other words, simply to have been alive is the greatest gift of all? I think.
By the way, Alimari - I think Bagheera is right - don't let things get too one-sided. And don't be too nice - it doesn't just apply to guys you know. You are fire (not jello and custard) so let him get burned now and again.
All the best,
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
