Hi, Sorry everyone......my computer crashed on me! I had to take it in to the shop. I hope to have it fixed today. I came to work early just so I could get on line and tell you guys what happened. Didn't want you to think I had left you hanging.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks very much for your reply to my input on James's thread. I wanted to post my reply to you here so as not to hijack his own thread.
You've also posted on mine also a few times and in each of those I have really valued your input. Please allow me to address each point that you raised:
Quote:
The truth is that I was extremely negligent, selfish and mean in my M
In reply to GH31......Have you changed since all those chemicals have gotten into your W's brain now? Since you clearly blame her for all the mess in your life, how would you have suggested she react to your extremely negligent, selfish and mean ways? I was just curious b/c it sounds to me that you still have the same traits while blaming her for being a WAW. I would have WA also if that was/is the kind of H you are!
Yes Sandi, I most definitely have changed massively in the last 6 months. My W's siblings and father have said that I seem profoundly different and my W has too - but I think it will take her longer to internalise the changes and to trust them.
I have read for at least one hour per day in the area of relationships/marriage during the last six months. All I can say is that I'm shocked at how I carried on, and for how long. It is no surprise to me now why the divorce rate is so high and why over 70% of them are filed by women. I just wish that someone could have taught me this stuff before my W and I had to experience so much pain and suffering - and I am not alone unfortunately. The statistics do the talking.
I am sorry Sandi, if you feel that I blame my W. I cannot blame her for wanting to leave and even for taking off with someone else. I was a Class A jerk and knowing what I know now, could not have expected any other outcome. What does outrage and disgust me is the lies, underhandedness, hypocrisy, deception, vacillation, using and other dishonesty that has come from my W since the separation. For example, she told me she wasn't dating someone but she was - in fact she had already moved in. She went ballistic when I, thinking that the marriage was over, dated 2 other women. I should not have done this and regret it deeply but the fact that she said "stop doing that I want to work things out between us" whilst living with another man and going on vacation with him absolutely disgusted me, and it still does.
Having been neglected yourself for decades in your own marriage I can well understand why you would look at my remarks from a different perspective. The simple truth is that I need to vent every now and again, and my W is home with me so I most certainly do not want to vent on her and be judgmental with her.
It's the hypocrisy, lying, false promises, stringing along and double standards that are the source of my rage - not the fact that she felt it necessary to leave.
I was a lot of bad things in my marriage but I was never dishonest. Any betrayed spouse will tell you that it's the lies and deception that hurt the most and take the longest to recover from.
These chemicals that I refer to are as a result of the A, and result in her saying some horrible, abusive and deranged things. I am simply being honest with you; many betrayed spouses would agree with me that their adulterous spouses enter a different level of consciousness whilst in the throes of an A also known as La-La Land, and are incapable (for a while at least) of telling the truth. I must vent here so that I do not do so on my W. That is one reason why this board exists amongst others.
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but I didn't make the choice to run off with someone else. So, does that make you any better than she?
I don't get these self-rightous H's that think they can treat their W's like dirt and then when the W gets enough of his sh*t and leaves the sorry H for another man......then he is so hurt. Imagine that! Maybe you should have thought about how you were treating her before she found a man that made her feel better. I wouldn't blame it all on those putrid chemicals......maybe she just came to her limit and had enough.
Hopefully, you will see where YOU need to change to a better person and be a better H to the next woman.....if you find one.
I certainly do see where I must create maintain change and Sandi, it is thanks to people like you who are generous enough to post to completely clueless, jerk husbands like me. Please don't stop posting on our threads - you have tremendous experience and life wisdom to offer us.
It is thanks to people like you that reformed buttheads and monsters like me learn to become responsible and decent husbands - husbands that any great woman would be absolutely crazy to leave.
I regret that my remarks angered you and sincerely hope that you keep posting to me.
I sincerely wish you the best,
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Sandi - hey lady - yes, I am still alive and doing well. Not a path I want to be on, but it is what it is. I did update my thread, so you can check me out.
I hope you are well. As I have said many times - you have been instrumental in my healing - no matter what happens or where I go, you will always have a place in my heart - thank you.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
ann