I think it makes a huge difference if there is adultery involved (in fact, it would be very interesting for you to post this same thread topic on the Infidelity forum!), or if the spouse is walking away for MLC or some other reason.
To me, "cake-eating" is when a wayward spouse gets some of their physical and emotional needs met by their OW/OM, while some of their other emotional, sometimes physical, and usually financial needs are being met by their betrayed spouse, without condition or consequence. When this condition is reached, there is really no incentive for the adulterous spouse to stop their infidelity, because they are "having their cake, and eating it, too."
Yes, God loves us unconditionally. But even Jesus told the harlot "go and sin no more" when he forgave her. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for our OWN emotional health, and letting our wayward spouses know what they are, and what the consequences are for breaking them.
It is subjective. What is cake-eating to one person is not to another.
Do we deserve respect? Hell yeah. Can I get an amen?
However, as an LBS with an MLC spouse, we accept that one person will not respect us. We should expect their worst behaviour, if they cannot respect themselves, they certainly cannot afford to respect us.
While I do not like the term, Puppy definition is the one I would use, if backed into a corner and had a gun pressed up against my head.
"Caking-Eating" usage seems to set up the following..."You deserve better, why are you with him?"
Do what works for you, even if it seems like allowing cake eating.
And by the way...
"Have your cake and eat it too." WTF? Really, of course I'm going to eat my cake, I HAVE...IT...RIGHT...HERE on my plate in my hand. Never made any sense to me. What I supposed to just look at it? Nice cake, I bet it tastes great, but alas, alack! I am supposed to only gander at the wonderous thing.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It is subjective. What is cake-eating to one person is not to another.
Do we deserve respect? Hell yeah. Can I get an amen?
However, as an LBS with an MLC spouse, we accept that one person will not respect us. We should expect their worst behaviour, if they cannot respect themselves, they certainly cannot afford to respect us.
While I do not like the term, Puppy definition is the one I would use, if backed into a corner and had a gun pressed up against my head.
"Caking-Eating" usage seems to set up the following..."You deserve better, why are you with him?"
Do what works for you, even if it seems like allowing cake eating.
And by the way...
"Have your cake and eat it too." WTF? Really, of course I'm going to eat my cake, I HAVE...IT...RIGHT...HERE on my plate in my hand. Never made any sense to me. What I supposed to just look at it? Nice cake, I bet it tastes great, but alas, alack! I am supposed to only gander at the wonderous thing.
yes yeS yES YES!!!!!!!!!
i agree completely
Another man's....woman's...common sense is another man's downfall.--Virginia Peeples
The point isn't about saving your dignity...although that's very nice....the point isn't about not being taken for granted....that would be good too.....the point is.........to do what will bring you and your partner more love, a better relationship, in the long run.
If adultery is involved, there's a GOOD CHANCE that you aren't in a position to set limits. If you aren't the one holding the trump card in the moment, setting very firm limits, might make you feel justified, but may 'seal the deal' for your partner divorcing you.......or...staying, but closing their heart off to you. The former seems more common for wives setting boundaries the latter more common for husbands setting boundaries, especially if the H's trump card is only financial.
Leave yourself room to grow love and affection.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I just wanted to say my H and I are finally back together, and he says that he is more in love with me now than he ever has been. Why? He says because I showed him love when he didn't deserve it, I showed him unconditional love, something he could not understand, it blew him away.
Yes he did take advantage of my feelings in the first couple of months after finding out about his affair.
Yes people on this board and even his best friend told me not to let him do this to me. To me I had to do what was best for our family and if it meant I would show him only love then so be it. I did not try to change him.
We only seen each other during the weekends because of his job that is why the affair, she was convienent is how he put it, she made herself available, first it was physical then it became an emotional affair then he just wanted out of our marriage.
Those 2 months was pure agony for me, but during those months he came to realize what he was doing to his family and himself, he came to realize he had to come back home to find work here. After his move back home it still took 3 months to repair his damaged way of thinking. He had this lifestyle for the last 7 years, the affair lasted 5 months and he did fall in and out of love with her.
But here we are now and he is so attentive and loving, though their has been some rough patches, first of all, after finally feeling safe enough I had my emotional breakdown and basically let him have it, I told him I resented all the things he had did to me, and all the horrible words that he had said to me, and so now I am in the process of trying to forgive and letting go, it has been tough but my anger has finally subsided.
When I think of what I had to put up with, (the cake eating) Yes it was very difficult but it was worth it to keep my family from falling apart and he said he is so grateful that I fought for us and did not give up on him or us, but he did say if I had thrown him out on his a$$ he would have tried everything to get me back, but to tell you the truth I seen it in his eyes that he was so far gone from me that the only thing I had left was to do what I did, I couldn't take a chance.
Only you know your spouse better than anyone you have to decide for yourself what is best for you and your family.
Here's hoping the best for all of you!
M 45 H 42
D 26 D 18 S 16
Married 19 years Together 24 years ILYBNILWY 1/7/08 OW 10/11/07 ended affair 3/14/08 came home 3/14/08 last contacted ow 3/17/08 4/19/08 trying to piece marriage back.
I just wanted to say my H and I are finally back together, and he says that he is more in love with me now than he ever has been. Why? He says because I showed him love when he didn't deserve it, I showed him unconditional love, something he could not understand, it blew him away.
Yes he did take advantage of my feelings in the first couple of months after finding out about his affair.
Yes people on this board and even his best friend told me not to let him do this to me. To me I had to do what was best for our family and if it meant I would show him only love then so be it. I did not try to change him.
We only seen each other during the weekends because of his job that is why the affair, she was convienent is how he put it, she made herself available, first it was physical then it became an emotional affair then he just wanted out of our marriage.
Those 2 months was pure agony for me, but during those months he came to realize what he was doing to his family and himself, he came to realize he had to come back home to find work here. After his move back home it still took 3 months to repair his damaged way of thinking. He had this lifestyle for the last 7 years, the affair lasted 5 months and he did fall in and out of love with her.
But here we are now and he is so attentive and loving, though their has been some rough patches, first of all, after finally feeling safe enough I had my emotional breakdown and basically let him have it, I told him I resented all the things he had did to me, and all the horrible words that he had said to me, and so now I am in the process of trying to forgive and letting go, it has been tough but my anger has finally subsided.
When I think of what I had to put up with, (the cake eating) Yes it was very difficult but it was worth it to keep my family from falling apart and he said he is so grateful that I fought for us and did not give up on him or us, but he did say if I had thrown him out on his a$$ he would have tried everything to get me back, but to tell you the truth I seen it in his eyes that he was so far gone from me that the only thing I had left was to do what I did, I couldn't take a chance.
Only you know your spouse better than anyone you have to decide for yourself what is best for you and your family.
Here's hoping the best for all of you!
BEAUTIFUL!!!!
May all the love between you just melt all those old hurts away.
Last edited by sgctxok; 08/07/0803:22 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I just had a bit of an "A-ha!" moment, and wanted to share this thought.
I'm thinking that it may make a difference if the betrayed spouse is offering up unconditional love (no boundaries, no ultimatums, etc.) as an intentional STRATEGY, as opposed to some that CLAIM it's a strategy, but their past marital and interpersonal history shows that it's probably just more out of fear and passivity than anything intentional.
IOW, the betrayed spouse can withstand the humiliation/emasculation that comes with "cake-eating" if they KNOW that they are doing it selflessly, intentionally, and as a strategy, as opposed to those I've counseled (and we've all seen) that are just plain "afraid to make her/him mad," and are not really feeling good at all about what's being done to them.
