I just skimmed your last post because I'm in a rush, but I will come revisit this later. THANK you for your words of wisdom here. I need to evaluate what I'm doing to make sure what I'm doing is right (the boundary thing is a bit scary for me).
I like cake and I like eating it (that is why I have joined a gym ) however seeing my h 'having his cake and eating it' ate me up for a long time. Then I realised that it was my perception not actual reality, it was one more thing to blame him for and to martyr myself with. Once I let go of that I felt so much better and actually he isn't having his cake and eating it at all and I don't think he views his situation as that either.
I know he felt a lot of pressure when I loaded him with my perception/ opinion of things though (his cake-eating/ living the life of Riley) and it was one more reason to not come home or be responsive in anyway to me. It was a very negative way of thinking for me and a big turning point for me personally when I let it go.
When asked about my sitch by family and friends I know that they perceive that I am a door mat and that he is having his cake and eating it however when I go on to briefly explain some of the results I am getting and show how positive I am at the moment they change their mind, or keep their opinions to themselves at least. I also don't then feel disloyal to my h by saying negative things about him which helps me and helps me be more respectful to him. It doesn't mean I don't talk about my h and my feelings to trusted friends and family but when I was talking about his cake-eating I felt I was 'slagging him off' - to use an expression.
We need to remember that the cake they are eating is moldy, it might look tasty but it has gone sour.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
The other day when (yet again) my STBX was attempting once more to have sex w/ me (we r going to pre trial this Monday)I told him I was not goign to let him cake eat and he kept saying " I'm not ...I'm not", then what r u doing? he said....as he thought his words carefully..."Its not cake , its pie"
Anyhoo , the more I have let him go and moved on, the more he seems to want it
The other day when (yet again) my STBX was attempting once more to have sex w/ me (we r going to pre trial this Monday)I told him I was not goign to let him cake eat and he kept saying " I'm not ...I'm not", then what r u doing? he said....as he thought his words carefully..."Its not cake , its pie"
Anyhoo , the more I have let him go and moved on, the more he seems to want it
This cake eating is an interesting discussion for me!My family all say nothing will change in my sitch as H is separated 1 yr but remains in affectionate contact-we were on brink of divorce at Christmas after 28 yrs married but he asked for more time.He is cake eating for sure and scared of financial settlements etc but is also in a real confused state. Im hanging on to the friendship we have now and have avoided divorce- which he still says he doesnt want- by an agreed financial arrangement .Yes, I would get more money by filing and may end up doing that but all I can say is you have to go on your gut feelings. I love the "pie" comment-we only hug and kiss still havent been intimate for years-more work needed there!
"To me, 'cake-eating' is when a wayward spouse gets some of their physical and emotional needs met by their OW/OM, while some of their other emotional, sometimes physical, and usually financial needs are being met by their betrayed spouse, without condition or consequence. When this condition is reached, there is really no incentive for the adulterous spouse to stop their infidelity, because they are 'having their cake, and eating it, too.'
Yes, God loves us unconditionally. But even Jesus told the harlot 'go and sin no more' when he forgave her. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for our OWN emotional health, and letting our wayward spouses know what they are, and what the consequences are for breaking them.
In my opinion."
Hello,
Your above comment is what fits me to a T. Puppy, if you're out there, and you see this post, please know that I have just set a boundary for my H when he is at home. He does not live here but seems to occasionally come and stay overnight on the couch. He's done it three times since he moved out in the middle of May.
Two of those times were because he was sick. The other time was because it was July 4th weekend, I guess. Anyway, he had his cake (OW) and ate it too stayed married to me for about three years, I think. I'm not sure what he was eating out of my hand because it certainly wasn't financial or sexual. Maybe it was emotional; who knows.
Now, we have phone contact about once or twice a day because that's what he wants. In fact, I was reading a thread on this board today around 4:20 p.m., just about the time he's on his way home from work.
He called to ask me if I was off work yet. I had been crying from the thread, and my coach told me not to answer if I'm in a bad way. But because of recent incidences with my H and the phone issue, I felt it best -- might have been a mistake. Anyway, he only wanted know if I was still away from the house because he was planning to come home if I was not here. I guess I diverted his plans.
The convo took him only 30 seconds:
H: Hey, are you still at work. M: (shaky voice) No. H: Are you OK? M: (wimper) A closed mouth cry came from my throat. H: Alright, I let you go. M: OK.
Then about an hour later I called him back
M: Hello H: What is it now? M: I was just calling to see what you wanted. H: You don't call me, so I was calling you to see what to do about feeding the dog. M: I thought we discussed this yesterday. I'll take care of the dog. And I thought you told me yestderday that you were "running out of money because of the gas you were using" (it's about 25 miles out of his way - not alot compared to my 120 miles one way). H: Alright, but I can't always tell. I'll just expect you to feed him. M: OK, well, I'm just following your lead. H: OK then, goodbye. M: Bye.
Anyway, I fear to say this but I'm sure he is not running out of money because he's coming home once in a while to feed the dog. He may be coming to see what I'm up too. OH well, I guess he can still have his cake and eat it too. Maybe this last comment is not loving, but I'm only saying it here and that's really how I feel, at the moment.
"Doing things for your absent spouse in order to exact an action or reaction from them is manipulation. "
No. We do things not to "exact an action or reaction" we do this out of kindness and the unconditional love we have for our spouses.
Some people might do it for the reason stated previously but not all do that.
God teaches us to be kind and to love unconditionally, He does not teach us to turn the other way.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
The statement was written in general and did not single any one person out but rather was put out there as a scale of measurement. If you are not doing this then it should not concern you. You don't have to agree with the statement any more than anyone else does. That is the beauty of the board. You are free to take what you can use personally and leave the rest behind for someone else to consider.
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
) however seeing my h 'having his cake and eating it' ate me up for a long time. Then I realised that it was my perception not actual reality, it was one more thing to blame him for and to martyr myself with. Once I let go of that I felt so much better and actually he isn't having his cake and eating it at all and I don't think he views his situation as that either.