We're never getting back together-How do you cope?

[onedge]

I'm new here, and this may have already been covered before, but I need to ask how you guys cope with hearing this statement "We are never getting back together". I have been told it a few times now and never know how to react,(aside from making the sounds of a heart raising 10 inches and chocking me to death). I'm never sure whether she really means it or not, or if she believes it or not. I know that many people on here would have had to have heard it at some point, but is there still hope? can we (as a couple) recover from that? how should you react to hearing that that is how they feel? and has anyone triumphed and won back the"non-believer"? I need to know that maybe sometime there will be hope, coz' although i am prepared to do this for as long as it takes, and i'm prepared for the best and the worst, I'd still like to know what I might be getting into, regardless the outcome.

[LolaL]

Hi Onedge...

There is always hope. You just have to believe.

You have not been separated long. May I ask, what were the specifics of the separation and why did your W leave?

[pisces9]

have you rewad DR? read LRT pg. 124 now
also read my thread - i never thought i would get where i am now. without DB'ing i am not sure where we would be.

you can do this- patience and a lot of hard work...
it will be ok- you can make it through today

[onedge]

Sorry for the long post, I had to be a little creative with the good old cut and paste I'm not very good at coherent story telling, sorry. There's a bit about before the separation, and a bit about the current situation. Oh and, I haven't got DR yet, I ordered it but it's about 5 weeks away from being here.

Before my wife and I separated, she started to flirt worse and worse, she's always had issues with being "undesirable" to people, so it made her feel good about herself, well thats what she told me when we had been together for about 6 months. Back to the story, she had been flirting worse over that last few months, and although it was killing me to see it, I did nothing, because it "made her feel good". She took it as me not caring. She thinks she is falling for a guy that makes her feel a certain way, or something like that, I'm pretty sure its to do with the depression. She told me that she didn't want to see my sad eye's again.**if she knew it upset me, then why didn't she try to change** (sorry, momentary angryness)
Honestly the last 3 years has been hard, we'd been living with my W's parents which was really stressful, and then we moved out late last year. She had feeling for other guys and I don't know why, she would get upset everytime I brought it up. She wanted me to understand the depression more, everytime i found out things about it, i would talk to her about it, and she would either say "i already know about depression you don't need to tell me" or "everyones depression is different, what helped other people might not help me", without actually listening to me or trying to get better. She is very hard to talk to a lot of the time because she has a way of making me believe that either I'm wrong, or at fault or she would just get upset, and I would stop trying. I haven't been the perfect guy, I admit it, I was guilty of not communicating, but when i tried to tell her that, she denied the problem and said there is no issue in our communication.
I needed to put more focus on her and the kids, and I needed to help more around the house. My wife currently hates me due to an email that I sent her last weekend, and she might forgive me sometime, but she wont believe anything that I say. I am not one to ever pretend that there is nothing that I need to change. I need to change me almost completely.
It's hard to find a balance now, we aren't in the same house anymore, I'm with my parents, and W is in the place we were renting. She's talking to me, sort of, and I found out that she hates me less today than she did yesterday, which is ok, but she still says that we will never get back together.
We both joined facebook the day that we separated so we talk on that sometimes.
I told her after what happened (the email, before that we were talking ok, almost friends, painfully) I knew it was hard for her to talk to me, so I said that "I would always be there to talk to when she needs me, I wasn't going to push her or pressure her, when she is ready to talk I will be there to talk to her". Now she starts conversations at random, then stops mid conversation and I don't understand why. I hurts me when she does it, and i don't know if she would realize it or not.
She says that she wants me to move on, and that by the time she can trust me, and believe me, and believe in me, it will be too late for us, but it wont me too late for me too find someone.
I see the kids, I have them on the weekends and stuff, but they don't feel comfortable at my mothers house, so they wont be staying here again. I'm bumping up the house hunting because of that. I take them out places every time i have them, and we have fun, but it's when i have them that I miss W the most.
I'm already doing 180's sort of, The email was one, which kinda went toooooooooooo far. I realized what I did, that didn't work so it's not going to happen again. I'm getting out more and I am taking the kids places, which is different (before it was a money constraint more than anything) I'm going to the pool 2 times a week, and I'm trying to start drawing again (which my wife used to love me doing) and I'm trying to start a band at the moment. Apparently i'm a good singer and it will help me build confidence (which I very much lack). I want to join the jym when I have the money as well. I'm going to start taking action instead of waiting till the time is right.

Don't know if all of that was very helpful at all, i'm better with specific questions :P

[LolaL]

It was helpful.

We have all been in the place that you are at, where the WAS does not want to try, says it will never happen. They are unhappy with the situation. They are feeling neglected. Keep in mind, that is not to say that you were, but right now, you have to realize your W has a different perception of what the R was like than you do. So, lets tackle this.

Flirting can be an ego boost. But it should never, ever cross a line. I am wondering if your W has a problem distinguishing between sexual attraction and "feelings" for someone. That could potentially be part of her depression.

DBing is about making you the best person you can be. You cannot change your W. And we can all use improvement in certain areas. Figure out what you can improve upon, and improve it. But...and here is the kicker...it can't be for your W (okay a little) but mostly for yourself. Either way you look at it, you need to make yourself a better you.

Realize that this is not a quick fix. It is going to take time, so you will need to pull out as much patience as you can. If you are not a patient person by nature, then you are going to learn.

I am a firm believer in prayer. I have seen amazing things happen when I have prayed just because, without expecting anything. Pray. A LOT. If you are Christian/Catholic/Protestant, whatever, get the book A Praying Husband by Stormy O'Martian, and do what she says. Her book coincides a lot with DR. And it also helps enact the DR because it gives you somewhere to turn and something to hold onto.

When you feel the need to send an email, post it here first. We will tell you if it is okay, or if you would be a damned fool to send it. (haha). Believe me, I have been saved many times from sending emails that would have killed any chance I ever had.

Vent as much as you want. We will not get bored, or tired ofhearing it, because we have all been there.

Try and stay away from venting to family and friends. Their intentions are good, but ultimately seeing you in pain makes them hurt, and they just want it to stop, so they will encourage you to walk away.

REmember, you are the only one who can make the call on whether or not you want to ride it out, or whether you want to walk away.

Lola

PS What did you email her, if you dont mind my asking?

[pisces9]

you need DR sooner than that- why 5 weeks? amazon or ???
ill read above later- but really 5 weeks is way too long..

[onedge]

I will post the e-mail later, I don't actually have access to it right now, i can't get into facebook, (legitimately) while i'm at work. I've gone over it in my head and I feel really embarrased about it. I regreted it while I was writting and every moment after sending it. She says hates me less now than when she got the email.

The other day she said that it is hard to talk to me, and "i don't know if we will get back together (gotta be a step up from never right?), but it's good that we can do this" (we were having a conversation about general things at the time)

[LolaL]

In the midst of all the abnormality of your sitch, this is actually normal. The biggest thing is never to tell her that her feelings don't mean anything. Validate validate validate. Tell her she is right. But don't come on too strong. Right now, she needs time to figure things out on her own, without your input. It is hard on you, but rest assured, it is hard on her too.

[onedge]

Yeah, i know, but at the moment, i don't think she is dealing with any of it at all, is it just a phase that right now, not dealing with me, she can just let go and be happy? She is happier now, and it looks like it isn't hard for her at all. Will that ever happen?

[onedge]

This is the email unedited, and yes I am very embarased and stupid having sent it, but I have never done anything like this before so it was a change, just not a good one.

******************


While you are reading this email you need to accept it and not get upset. YOU need to understand that this email is not about us, it's something much more important right now. Do not ignore anything in this email.

There was something I have tried to tell you about it before but the problem that is happening now, was happening then aswell. I didn't point out in the letters because i didn't think was important right now as you are sure that were aren't getting back together and I thought the problem was only me that it was effecting. I wrote the letters now, not earlier, because all but one of my fears is gone. I should have pointed it out because the problem is affecting someone that us separating was supposed to protect. I have realized how to be a guardian, a parent, a protector and a "knight", I also learned that the "shining armored" knight Idea doesn't work. I thought it might but i realized that to make a difference to anyone or anything, sometimes your armour needs to be tarnished, or black, and sometimes it needs to be bloody and broken. A "knight in shining armour" can't make a decision that will hurt the one they love. Right now I am a knight, standing up for what is right and what needs to be said, heard, understood and accepted. Saying these things will hurt you, and is hurting me because I want to protect you. But a knight makes the hardest decisions and sacrifices, and say the things that others cant.

This is the problem that i should have REALLY told you about a while ago.
The problem - Everything below this point are things that Emily told me that she feels she cant tell you or anyone else right now, I will point out when i'm saying something.

Emily is sad, very sad. She is also very scared. **You need to understand and accept this part as it is why she hasn't told you any of this**
She feels that every time she tries to tell you something you do things that make her feel bad, you will cry and she feels guilty, you will get angry and she feels ashamed and scared, you will defend it, and not accept it, and she feels like she is wrong, or you will make it her fault.

Right now she is under more pressure she was before we separated. She's sad because she feels like she can't tell anybody about her feelings right now,
She feels that nobody cares about her anymore, and this started just before we separated.
She feels like her thoughts and feelings, and herself are being ignored and she feels like you are pushing her away.
Because of all of this she is losing her self confidence.
She wants you to be happy but not at the cost of her being sadder.

Your 10 year old daughter told me that she needs her mother to grow up.
She said that because you are acting less responsible now, she feels that you are acting less like a parent and not dealing with or caring about the things that should matter most, like your kids.
She feels that right now you're in your own perfect world, and her, steph and zac aren't in it.
She knows that you seem to be happier now and she is so scared of upsetting you that she doesn't tell you, and she feels that she can't tell you or your mum either, because the same thing will happen either way.
She said that every time she has a problem everyone acts concerned and asks her whats wrong, but doesn't really care in the end.

**Back to me now**
Right now, I don't think she will end up being depressed like you, but I think she will be like I was before I met you and I am terrified of that. I realized that I can be her father, I spent 2 minutes with her today and i knew that there was something very wrong, her whole attitude is different at the moment and she sat there in front of me in tears telling me what was wrong. Right now she NEEDS YOU to understand this and not get upset at her, or say that you will make it better. SHE NEEDS YOU to do something about this coz' right now, and she told me this, she feels like you aren't doing anything about how she feels, and your leaving it up to the theripist at school, and she feels like you don't care about it at all.

She is so scared of making you unhappy that she couldn't tell you this at all, and i told her that I would, and she doesn't want you to be upset at her or anything like that, she's terrified of that. I had to tell you about all of this because Emily couldn't.

YOU NEED to accept this and deal with it, don't look for anyone to try and make you feel better about it, coz' that's not going to help emily, and it wont help you make it any better.

You can ignore me from now on if you want, hell you can hate me if you want, but that is a price that i am willing to pay if it helps emily and you get better.