Yeah, i know, but at the moment, i don't think she is dealing with any of it at all, is it just a phase that right now, not dealing with me, she can just let go and be happy? She is happier now, and it looks like it isn't hard for her at all. Will that ever happen?
It does happen. In the beginning, they don't really deal with it. The WAS' push it to the back of their minds, because they are so convinced that they are doing the right thing. Just be prepared for the largest and longest roller coaster you will ever ride.
I am not hijacking your thread, but I want to give you an example. My H did the same thing, I don't love you anymore, we can never be together. That was 10 months ago. It has been up and down from there, going from no contact, to some contact, do talking every day, and then back to no contact. He will help me out if I need something tangible immediately. But emotionally, he cannot do it right now.
A few weeks back, I got tired, tired of fighting, tired of dealing with all this. I am in therapy because I know there were things I did wrong. I try to validate. I have been accused of being controlling, and I suppose I am to an extent, but that is human nature. I am trying to work on it. So my H loaned me $20, and needed it back about two weeks later. I didn't have it on me, it was in the bank, and I offered to meet him somewhere after work. He said he would if he could. Well, I got tired of waiting, and slipped it in the mail. Sent him a text so he could expect it.
He was mad! Why...I don't know. But he was mad. I apologized, told him I meant no disrespect, and left it alone. A few days later, I got a call and he apologized to me, which is a big thing for him. He doesn't usually do that.
My point in telling you all of this is that we went from where you are, going through all kinds of highs and lows, and I still have hope. It just depends on how you handle it. My suggestion is get yourself a really good C, and don't try making her feel guilty. I know you had the best of intentions with the email, and it was obvious, but right now she is not going to hear it. Think of your wife as an alien, because right now, she sees nothing but her own experience, her own pain. She cannot see the people around her who are hurting at all. That includes you.
This is a long ride, be prepared. It could be resolved quickly, and it could take a very long time...there is no guarantee. But remember that if you work on you, in the long run, you will be a better person regardless of the outcome.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I've never really had it all explained like that, i see whats happening with me, and it hurts that she isn't dealing with it right now, but she will in her own time. The whole, alien feelings things kinda makes sense as well.
I know I can be friends with her, but I'm scared that when it comes time to give it a try, she wont want to risk losing a friend? Regardless of what has happened and me staying her friend already?
I jump around a bit, ya can tell i'm confused
t7-years m3-years Me:22 W:27 Wifes kids (love them like my own) D-10 D-7 Our Kids S-3
Oe, Word on these forums is that you can communicate to some extent through "actions" rather than words. I have yet to master this myself but I have made some changes in myself and my own wayward spouse did notice.
I also think that Validation is something I should have done more.
Take care. HTTE
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
I've never really had it all explained like that, i see whats happening with me, and it hurts that she isn't dealing with it right now, but she will in her own time. The whole, alien feelings things kinda makes sense as well.
I know I can be friends with her, but I'm scared that when it comes time to give it a try, she wont want to risk losing a friend? Regardless of what has happened and me staying her friend already?
I jump around a bit, ya can tell i'm confused
That is okay...we are all confused here! Three days after posting my little story on your thread, my H called again to tell me that he doesn't think there is a future for us. This time I told him I understood that, and didn't try to argue.
One of the biggest deals is to let them feel the way they want, even if you don't agree with it. Remember, they don't agree with you either. But they need to be able to feel the way they feel, until they don't feel that way anymore.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I ended up somewhat disappointed last night by something that my wife asked me if I had done, i handled it pretty well i think, if you're interested, check the thread below, it's short
Just reading up on your thread. I don't get the there is no future, just the it is to late. Try and take this stuff in stride. It is only over when you want it to be.
I used to become confused, disappointed, hurt ect by the things my W said and did. I was finally able to detach myself from the situation and keep moving forward.
Since then my W has been hurt and jealous of it all. Sometimes guilty I am sure. My W also has depression and self-esteem issues. So it is a whole different animal.
Look at what is going on from a standpoint of looking in on someone else from the outside without the emotions. Hard to do, hard to follow. My W still confuses me sometimes.
It is how it is. Find stuff to keep busy and enjoy life as much as you can right now.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
Thanks guys for all the advise and support, it's really helping, and I'm trying my hardest to stay on track and not make any more mistakes. It's really good to know that whenever i need to work things out, that i can just come on here and get some really good ideas, and squash some of my less bright ideas. Really thanks a lot!!
t7-years m3-years Me:22 W:27 Wifes kids (love them like my own) D-10 D-7 Our Kids S-3
I went ice skating tonight with the "friends" that i haven't seen in a month now because they "don't want to get involved". BS, they barely even spoke to me, and when they spoke around me, they talked about a camping trip that I can't go on because my WAW is going aswell. I tried to speak to my brother in law, we have been good friends since before i met his sister (my w) and he didn't even speak a word to me. This goes beyond not wanting to get involved, they just flat out ignored me being there. So much for friends anymore. I realized tonight, not only have I lost the love of my life, but i lost my friends aswell. the only people that i can talk to now i haven't spoken to in years. W complained to me after we separated that she wanted support from friends, i consoled her and said that they care, i made her happy again. Why the #$%$ was she complaining? I don't really have anyone to turn to now. Great, i really am on my own
t7-years m3-years Me:22 W:27 Wifes kids (love them like my own) D-10 D-7 Our Kids S-3
Ok venting time I have to call my wife soon and i'm in a bad mood I just need to work out what i'm thinking and calm down before I give her a call. She sent me a message askeing me to call her, and said it wasn't important. No idea what it is about but if i call her while i feel like this i will ramble and stuff. I'm at work which really doesn't help either, there are people all around me so it's hard to have a real conversation. Ok i think i feel a bit better now, I might prolong it for a another half an hour or so just to make sure that i'm relaxed
t7-years m3-years Me:22 W:27 Wifes kids (love them like my own) D-10 D-7 Our Kids S-3
Can you call her after work? You could send her a text telling her you'll call her when you get home. Then go home and take a shower. Once you've calmed down then you can call her. This gives you a chance to think and go over what you want to say and more importantly what you don't want to say.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
