I did sign up with a local MeetUp Group for singles between the ages 35-50. They are having a gathering today at a new restaurant/bar with live music and an outdoor patio. It means leaving work early - but well that's okay. I need to just get out of the house. I need to not see the work that needs to be done. I need to not see the stuff around the house that needs to be done.
I did talk to a woman that works at Habitat for Humanity. I need to send her an email. I don't want to think about commiting to anything till I get back from my vacation.
I thought I was taking it easy. I worked so hard to catch up and am caught up. It is so strange - I feel like I can say that I have completed every single goal with respect to surviving the D. And it feels like recently - it all just came together. And then I just fell over from exhaustion.
Even with respect to R's... I thought I was too cynical and jaded to want to be in an LTR again. I had this been there - done that - don't want to go there again attitude.
One of my best friends Emailing Man and I were talking on the phone about R's. And he mentioned "you know no one is perfect - not even my W." And then he went on to tell me these stories of moments when his W is right - and there is no challenging her position. The thing that struck me - was that when he told this story - it was with this tone that showed that he loved her - where he had a smile on his face when he shared the story - much like you share silly stories about a spouse - where their mistakes are endearing - not indications of them being fatally flawed.
And that is when I realized - that is what I want in an R. And then I allowed myself to think about The X and there was a time I use to talk about him that way and he use to talk about me that way. I think I shut out anything that was pleasant b/c I didn't want to feel hurt. It isn't that you can't make mistakes in an R - it is the opposite - you can make mistakes and it is okay.
The other thing that happened - and this seems to insignificant - but it affected me much more than I realized... Two of the in-house counsel that send me work are women that do what I do and are my age. And I guess now that things are collasping - for the first time we starting talking about non-work stuff. And there are times I feel a little alone in the challenges I face in my profession - and as we talked and shared some of the bizarre things we did to make it work in a male dominated profession. And well it was empathy and this will sounds so strange - I felt relaxed - and then felt like I could let go a little... I guess I felt less alone. And then I felt tired.
And the new adoption agency - once again - it all fell into place. It is harder to adopt as a single mother. And this lady - did it - three times starting with the first one 17 years ago - and from India. She knows exactly what challenges I am facing and knows what to do . And then I felt again - like it was okay to put this in her hands and relax a little.
I think part of all this is that really things in my life are good. For so many years - especially post-D - I was so focused on goal after goal - I didn't have time to think about whether I was tired.
Even work - it is stressful - but not like it was when I posted about ending up under a bridge with my cats. Even if everyone I work for at Humongo Client leaves or is fired tomorrow - it will be okay.
A poster said my tone seemed forced at times - and she is right. There was a time where I simply could not allow my mind to even consider the possibility that it was not okay. I needed to believe it was okay - b/c not being okay was not an option. B/c if I allowed myself to not be okay - I was afraid I would lose my strength and crumble.
And I find myself crying not b/c of what I don't have but b/c of what I do have. There were so many times I was afraid it all would not be okay. And now that it is all coming together - I am just so tired. I feel like I can just collapse for awhile - not be responsible - not necessarily to do the right thing. Maybe just be for a little while...
I know none of this makes sense. I mean how silly to fall apart - when everything is okay.
I am so glad that Jayce will be okay. I can understand how Ellie feels. I am a basketcase when one of my cats is sick.
It is also nice that Jayce has a friendly disposition - it makes it easier on him. The clinic sounds phenominal. The statistics are all in the little guy's favor. I have been thinking about him. He really is so adorable.
A good friend said that the best way to not get this tired is always have the next vacation planned. The last one was after 5 years. This one is at least after 15 months. And the best part - this time no wheelchair.
Before you accuse anyone of lacking compassion - read SG's "Peach Tree" thread. The whole thing. Especially AG's posts about Stay at Home Moms, her rich neighbours, all the people on the bb and people of any ethnicity except hers. Would you feel that is compassionate? She is trying so hard to get attention here and using any one of you she can remotely find to post to her. And there are few of you left. Just a handful of guys that she claims not to have flirted with and the new girls who haven't known her long enough to get bit. And that's a small small group.
And since when do YOU listen to the wishes of anyone else on this board? I don't wish to post on your thread - not because you want it - because "I" want it.
