Hey Guys!!! I just thought I would check back in to provide an update and to see how everyone else has been doing.
After posting last I did take Cat's advice and started keeping a journal. I went back as far as I could and logged the times and incidents regarding my X and things she has done when she had the kids. Over the last 4-6 weeks things have actually settled down quite a bit. I guess she has been dating a guy fairly steady and that has kept her from going out, at least to bars, when she has the kids. That is all good and fine with me. I know it has taken a big worry off of my mind. When I came back to post last time (August) I was VERY worried about having to take her to court over the kids. She still doesn't see how her actions effect the kids, but at least she has calmed down.
Actually, I started keeping a journal for more than just tracking stuff with her, I started writing down my own thoughts in hopes that it would help me. Nothing amazing to date... I'm doing fine but still have my moments.
I've been dating different women off and on, absolutely nothing serious. I figure I need to get my heart back within my own possesion before I can even think about giving it away. I'm sure that is going to take quite some time.
Now days I just concentrate on being a good Dad for my kids. We've been on this parenting plan for a year now (I have them 40% of the time) and I've only "gone out" one time when I had them. That was last month and was for my 25th High School Reunion. We stayed with my Dad that night so they were home with him. Other than that one time, I've not left them alone when they are with me. I think they appreciate the fact that one parent is still a "parent" and not a "single person". That fact has cropped up a couple of times over the last few months in "discussions" between my oldest daughter and her mother. She tells my X things like "Dad doesn't date" or "Dad doesn't go out" and it makes my X angry, often times she'll rebut and talk about how I do go out and that I do date. Although I have had talks with my OD and have told her that I do "go out" and do "date", she says "it is different than mom though". I think what she is saying is that I insulate my kids from it, so they have no first hand knowledge. As opposed to my X who puts it right out on the table and expects them to be happy for her.
Well, I think I will peruse around and see what is happening with everyone else. Y'all take care!
I have absolutely no respect for people who abandon and inflict pain on innocent family. How selfish and unseemly can they get?
Oh, and if these know-it-all geniuses are so smart, why in the world do they even bother to get married and have children only to leave them home to go out and party?
Why in the world do they believe that they "deserve" to act out all of the things that they should have gotten out of their system before starting a family?
How lame these WAS are! "Poor me"...."My needs, my needs, my needs..." It sure gets old.
How about they grow up and stop whining? How about they count their many blessings and stop trying to live in a fantasy instead of the real world? How about they take care of the family they already have?
Kimmie Lee,
That is VERY well said.....
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
Okay, now that I've wandered back to these boards I might as well post up the latest two-prong dilemma and get some advice on how to "Survive the Big D"!
First issue: X's parents are coming into town for Thanksgiving and it is my time with the kids Fri-Mon. She asked if she could have the kids that weekend and I said sure. She said she didn't want to do a weekend swap because it caused trouble the last time we did that. She mentioned swapping for a weekend night before or after and I just didn't say much of anything. Last night she called wanting THIS Saturday night and I told her I couldn't because I had already made plans to be out of state hunting. She started to talk about the weekend after Thanksgiving but got po'd and hung up on me, obviously she wanted this Saturday night. This morning she sends me a text and says that she just wants to do a complete weekend swap and that I needed to take them the entire weekend following Thanksgiving. I replied back that I wasn't interested in doing swap, I would give her the Sat following, or that we could be creative while her parents are here with them so that they saw them enough but that she (X) also had her free time. She exploded... said I didn't want to spend time with my kids, didn't want to be flexible, and said that she was going to tell the kids I didn't want my normal time with them. After an hour or so, she called back and said that the following Sat night would be fine. I thought I was nice but still stood up for myself in terms of not letting her screw my schedule up, which is VERY well defined through the end of the year. Remainder of 2nd conversation was a lead-in to my 2nd issue…
Second Issue: Over the last couple of weeks the X has been very upfront with me and others about the fact that she has found someone she likes. I’ve been noticing the kids, especially the oldest, wondering about it. So in the latter 30 minutes of our 2nd conversation she started out by giving me the advice that I shouldn’t lie to the kids about whether I am going out with women, and that I need to be careful about bringing other people around them. During the conversation it came out that she has been feeling the kids out about possibly meeting her new boyfriend, which according to her is her 1st time actually dating someone. Evidently she got quite a bit of pushback from my oldest daughter and someone (either her Mom or my OD) brought me into the conversation about dating. My OD told her Mom that she KNOWS I haven’t gone out with any women. I told my X that I was my daughter dealing with things the way she wants to and holding a belief that she wanted to. I told her that I have worked very hard over the last year to keep a divider between my new life as a single guy and that of my life as the father of my kids. I told her that she has done just the opposite, and that now she having to pay the price.
I sure tried to tackle both of these issues in a calm manner. I didn’t yell, didn’t respond back when she glossed over the whole year long affair that was the final nail in the coffin. I just tried to talk rationally. She just absolutely does not want to hear that anything other than her own feelings are relevant. I didn’t tell her this, but this is what she was saying. I know her pretty well still, and it is obvious to me that she is very anxious to bring her new BF around the kids. She is happy with the relationship and wants her kids to share in the happiness.
Does it sound like I handled this okay? Advice on how to handle it better?
So specifically, on #2, how do I approach this with the kids? She has felt all of them out on the possibility, should I council them on it or just sit back and let it happen?
Steve, This is something we all have to deal with. There is an age-appropriate and child appropriate aspect to it for sure. I would think that preparing them for the possibility of your dating and someday meeting "that special someone" is a good thing, but I am no expert, fo' sho'.
However, what it looks like from 1000 miles away is that your X is awfully involved in your life...considering that she is your X. Ever think about just changing the subject back to business matters relating to the kids? In the end, you can't control her and vice versa, so why lose sleep over it?
Sorry if that's not particularly helpful and as always, advice is worth what you paid for it.
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
SD, The issue with dating is more of a question as to how I advise my kids on the problems that they have with their Mom. Over the past 6 months the 3 girls have become put out with her because she has so abruptly brought her new "lifestyle" into their world. They get upset when she takes them to eat and "friends" happen to join them. They also get upset when she takes them other places and "friends" are there too and she joins them. Background on this is that the two oldest were upset with her because they knew of affair. Anyway... The latest is that she has a serious BF and she is wanting to introduce him to the kids. For the last week she has been feeling them out. My OD told her flat out that she didn't want another man in their lives right now. I want to be there with solid advice for my kids, especially OD, so I'm wondering is proper. I don't care to advise X on what to do, I just want to handle it properly from my side.
As for my dating, I've told them that at some point there is sure to be another woman in my life. I've told them that they can always ask me what I do and I will tell them. While I have dated since the D there is absolutely nobody that I am serious about, and I won't be introducing anyone to the kids until such a time comes. When they are with me, there is no dating, Dad doesn't stay on the phone, and I'm right there with them being "Dad", not "Single Dad". They've been pounded in the head by "Single Mom" who acts more like one of their teenager friends, I think they like having a Dad that hasn't changed much in terms of how I act when I'm around them.
So... how to talk to my OD on what I now know is a problem that she has with her Mom dating and wanting to introduce?
Steve, I am not sure how old your kids are (maybe I missed that somewhere), but her wanting to introduce someone to the kids was bound to happen....and it is bound to happen with you too.
I don't have kids, but I am a child of D..(actually I was grown when it happened but I don't think it is much easier). I can see why OD has a problem that her mom is dating....but what do you think the problem is? Does she think it is too soon? Does she think it would hurt you? Does she think this ends the possibility of you two getting back together?
Maybe you should talk to her about what her specific problem is. Maybe it just makes her uncomfortable. I know it was all of the above when my parents started dating again and I was 25 years old before I was introduced to anyone. I didn't want to meet them and I was upset about it. I guess my point is that your children may never be ready for this, but you are divorced and it is something that will happen eventually.
It is very possible that they will feel disloyal to you for meeting someone else....and I don't think you should feed into that. It makes them feel guilty for something that is beyond control. They shouldn't be forced to do something that they are against, but I do think you should talk to them and get to the root cause of why they aren't ready.
16, 14, 11, and 8. Thank you! That was good perspective coming from someone with first hand knowledge. I think OD's problems are all three that you listed. I think the disloyalty is a VERY big part of it and you are right. Not only will I not feed into that I guess I need to explain to them that their meeting Mom's BF is NOT being disloyal to me. I will also bring up the fact that at some point they will be meeting someone on my side.
I think for me it was all three too....and keep in mind that I was much older than even your oldest daughter. From the way you talk the one that has the biggest problem is the oldest and that would make sense to me because she has more of an understanding of what is going on.
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Not only will I not feed into that I guess I need to explain to them that their meeting Mom's BF is NOT being disloyal to me.
I think that is very important, and also very big of you to do. Remember this would not be about making your xw or her bf comfortable...but your kids. When I met my dad's GF (now wife) I felt like I couldn't even tell my mom because I didn't want her to hurt. I felt like...and still do to some extent...that I couldn't like her because then I would be disloyal to my mom.
It is hard on the kids at any age and hard for them to get used to the idea. Just be there for them and let them know that their feelings are perfectly normal.
I'm doing fine but still have my moments.
