Tonight is the first night my kids will stay at H's place.
I have a friend coming over for dinner. It feels good that some of my friends know now. I don't have to feel like I am trying to cover up the dismal state of my marriage anymore.
I felt a lot better this morning. I know I am going to be fine.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
As far as the ring goes, I think you have to stop worrying about what your h thinks or how he'll interpret it. Maybe take it off for a day or two and see how you feel?
I hope you have a good evening with your friend. Hugs...
NG Hi just my opinion about the ring each of us has to make our own choice as for my H and my situation I dont think H really cared in his mind, he is done, that is as far as it goes with him I dont think he cares if I date, wear my ring or not
In fact nothing I do really matters he is only half alive as I see it He is helpful at times..he is still physically present for kids but emotionally he is checked out So take your time with the ring do what you need to do for you wearing it is a statement of standing taking it off suggests we sare done/dating too either way, my H might have like the idea of me wearing it but it wasnt going to affect his choice to Bail ((Hugs))) peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi NG, I've been catching up on your situation. I'm sorry your H moved out,but you sound like you're doing pretty well. Our situations seem so similar. My H moved out about 7 weeks ago and I am in a much better "place" than I have been since the whole insanity started in October. I am still sad and angry, and I still get a pang every time I see my H at a kid exchange, and I do miss him a lot at time-- but I also feel much less miserable than when he was here but not really here.
One thing that was very upsetting for me was that, less than two weeks into our S, I arrived at mediation to see my H had removed his wedding ring. I asked him about it and he said something lame like "I was experimenting with taking it off and I put it in a pocket and now I can't find it. I'll put it back on if you want."
Made me so mad--and no, I didn't want him to put it back on just because I wanted him to. I decided about a week later to take mine off too. It was really hard to get off because my fingers have gotten chubbier! But I did it and I have not looked back. For me, it really helped me to feel like my new self. I still love my H, but after what we've been through this past year, I'm done. I am not standing for this M. I still believe that MAYBE one day in the future we will reunite--MAYBE--but it will be a completely new start IF it even happens, and our old rings won't apply.
I was reluctant to remove my ring, but once H's was off I felt foolish keeping it on.
My kids are also doing surprisingly well--unnervingly so. My D11 seems to PREFER us living apart (even though we were not a high-conflict couple) and D7 definitely feels it more, says things that make me sad--but she, too, seems basically fine.
My biggest concern right now is how H&I are going to figure out our schedule once school starts. There are so many variables this year--two different schools, far apart, which means D11 has to leave an hour earlier than D7. They'll be waking up at two different homes on different days--it's really complicated.
Anyway, just sending you support. It does get easier, as people said. I didn't believe it but now I do. So hang in there!
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Hi NG- How did your night without your kids go? It is a huge adjustment to not have them there every night but it will get easier for you. At times it can be nice to have the me time especially when you are having emotional challenges.
I don't know how you didn't talk to your friends about what was going on for all those months. It has to be a good release to be able to finally talk about it. Hopefully they are supportive and understand your position...most people don't understand standing for your M. Be prepared for that.
I agree with peace about the ring. I was angry when I took mine off. I have regreted taking it off but I feel I can't put it back on until my H asks me to. So, think it through and don't do anything out of anger. Wear it if you want to...you are still married. If you feel like what the ring symbolizes is gone and you want to take it off, then take it off. Just do what you feel comfortable with.
I continue to be amazed at your strength...just please make sure you process all of this so you can start to heal.
My friend and I ordered in and sat by my pool to eat while I filled her in on the past 16+ months of my life. She was flabbergasted. She doesn't know how I held that in all that time. She understood that with her H and my H being friends, it would have been hard. She also understood that I had hoped my H would turn himself around and there would have been no need for anyone to know anything. Apparently my H had never confided in her H about anything - that is what I would have expected. My H doesn't talk much about his internal feelings to friends.
So my friend left to go home, my big house seemed so empty. I got a good cry out and started writing in my journal until I stopped crying. I read my book and then fell asleep. I actually didn't wake at all until 4:30!
Morning wasn't bad at all. It was kind of nice just getting myself ready for work - although I would trade that in a minute for my intact family back.
I will think about my ring more. Whatever I decide, will be for me and not have anything to do with how H may interpret it.
If I take my ring off, it won't be because I am not standing or I am ready to date. It will be a symbol to me and for me of letting go, moving forward but with an option for a reconnection, if that is what is meant to happen.
peace, it is odd how your H is just so totally checked out. I am sure there is so much more going on in his head than he lets on.
lmg, I was wondering where you have been!
I'm glad your kids seem to be doing well too. "unnervingly so" is how I would describe mine as well My D11 looks somewhat sad, but she hasn't asked any questions or made any comments yet. I will continue to try and gently get her to open up, but I don't want to push her at all if she feels she has nothing to say. S9 is so sweet to me, he didn't want to leave my side the day we told them. But he did keep asking me when he gets to go play pool at daddy's place - UGH - knife to the heart that I didn't let on to.
My D11 is also starting at a new school. I think H and I have worked out a complicated plan for getting each of them where they need to be, from his place and our home on the different days. H is being very accomodating and helpful, more than he ever has. I do wonder if it will last.
upside, how do I know if I am processing all of this?
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
Why don't the spouses take much with them when they move out?
I hope it is not that he thinks it will hurt me less if there isn't much gone. The man has more clothes than me, but some of it is stuff he has not worn in forever. I can tell he took some (but not much at all) stuff from our closet, but what is remaining is sort of spread out so it doesn't look empty. He also left at least something in each of his drawers.
A few clothes, some of his shoes, and his most used toiletries -- he hasn't taken much else.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
Good question NG. I've wondered alot why my H didn't take much either. He's refused stuff that I've offered. He has taken more clothes a piece at a time but not much at all.
I had to take my wedding rings (i wore H to for years) off the morning I got arrested. I decided at that moment that I would not put them back on until H asks me to. Until then I had not planned on taking them off at all. We are still M and to me it was a sign of my commitment to him and our M. But after what happened that all changed in an instant.
Actually my dream is that H and I will R and renew our vows and I will get a new set. The old M is over.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Who knows why they don't take much? Maybe because they're trying to "start over"? My h didn't take much when he moved out, but he bought a ton (not that he could afford it), and when he came back so did all of this new stuff that we don't have room for! I just can't figure it out. Temporary insanity is the best reason I can come up with.
