Detaching

[sgctxok]

continuing the detachment discussion here so as not to hijack frank's thread


from bworl

I would submit that "faking it till you make it" is often what we have to do to eventually get to detachment.

And I'll take issue with the thought that it's not that big a deal.

There are too many people on this board who unwittingly sabatoge their situations because they are NOT detached enough from their spouses actions.

When we take everything too personally, when we believe that everything they do relates to our chances for the future...well, that's a bad state to be in. It's makes our lives full of anxiety and puts us on the same rollercoaster the wandering spouse is on.

Detachment, to me, is about acknowledging that my spouses actions are NOT in my control. It's about realizing that whether or not I offered them milk for their coffee does NOT figure largely in whether or not they will come back one day.

Most of all, it's a state of freedom for the left behind spouse. It untethers us from our spouses seeming insanity, leaving us free to live our life in relative peace, at least when they are not directly interacting with us. And in that peace, we find the ability to do the things that might really save the situation - heal ourselves, improve ourselves, regain our lost confidence, and commit ourselves to being people of integrity.


Blessings,

Bill
_________________________

Great point. And it's obviously needed in lots of situations.

But for some...there's too detached, not just in the "Idon'tgiveahoot" way......but also in the .... 'there's nothing I can do' to improve the situation way. It can blind you or stop you from solution detecting.

[Imageer]

Isn't there something to be said for just letting time heal wounds? I tend to believe that there isn't much you can do to improve the situation directly.

[Silver Fox]

But my concern is since my H is "in love" & in the MLC fog nothing would suit him more than if I detach. When he notices I'm going on with my life, it frees him of his guilt & is he not thinking "see, she's going to be fine, what I'm doing is not so bad". (?????)

[Nature Girl]

Hi sg,

Thanks for starting this separate thread!

But for some...there's too detached, not just in the "Idon'tgiveahoot" way......but also in the .... 'there's nothing I can do' to improve the situation way. It can blind you or stop you from solution detecting.

I struggle with this at this point. My H has just moved out after 16 plus months post bomb. His decision, I gave him no ultimatum even knowing about a co-worker OW.

I do "giveahoot" so I'm not too detached that way.

But I feel like "there's nothing I can do to improve the situation" except to let go. Still standing for my marriage in that I don't plan on dating right now and I'd be open to reconciling if H showed an interest, but I need to let go (i.e., detach). H shows no interest in reconciling (of course he did just move out), and has no tried one iota to work on our M, ever, pre-bomb, post-bomb, ever. He told me over and over for 16+ months how confused he was, but would never do anything constructive for our M, or for himself.

So I feel like I can't do anything to improve things for our M right now. I can work on me, as I have been. I can find my own inner happiness. I can make sure that I don't do things to make the situation worse (beg, plead, cry in front of him, show him my anger, etc.). The only solution I see is to live my life with my focus on me and my children (H remains very devoted to the kids) and at some point down the line if there is no change I will want to start dating, or H may come back and I decide I don't want him after all, or H may come back and I do still want to rebuild a better M.

What my H does is so totally out of my control and I accept that right now. Now that he is gone, I don't even have the chance to get out a coffee cup for him in the am even though he stopped getting one out for me when he gets up first, because he isn't here anymore. All I can do is as bworl says,

heal ourselves, improve ourselves, regain our lost confidence, and commit ourselves to being people of integrity.

[Imageer]

??????????????


Why, rather than responding to my thoughts and questions, did you erase them and change them to your thoughts?

That hardly seems productive. Wouldn't you agree?'


Imageer.

[Bworl]

I don't agree fully with the notion that DB'ing says you CAN change your spouse by your actions. And I should say that I'm speaking more in the MLC realm than the more benign "we're having some marital problems" case.

One thing I think is often ignored when people are called to task for wrong DB thinking is that MLC, and even hardcore WAW situations, are not the standard DB'ing scenario. Even Michelle devotes separate sections to these conditions, indicating that SOME of the DB process will not work as well or efficiently in those cases.

Perhaps it's just my slant on the interpretation.

That being said, I think DB'ing teaches us that things deteriorated in the relationship and both of us had a role in it. While we do well to set goals for our relationship interactions, in these severe cases where the spouse has left and possibly started relationships with others, there is little that we can do to reach a spouse who has chosen another.

What we can do is understand that their mind is set, there is little we can do to change THEM, but there is likely ALOT we can do to change and improve ourselves.

The drama they leave in their wake is created because they KNOW they are in the wrong and they HATE having to feel guilty for what they've done to us and our families. They also feel the need to JUSTIFY their decision. The end result is that we receive backlash for just about anything that we do at some point.

There is no sense in tying ourselves to a person in that mode.

And it's not our problem that is leading them to create this drama.

So let it go.

Understand that is what's happening. Understand that your spouse has put him/herself on this path and will do just about anything to protect their decision.

And let it go.

To me, that is detachment.

And it keeps us from looking to THEM for positive feedback and signs that we are making a difference.

We need to be who we are, be the best we can be, and treat our spouse in as loving a manner as we are capable of and they will allow.

But we decieve ourselves if we actually think every little moment is contributing to either the restoration or destruction of our marriage.


Just my opinion.


Bill

[smith18]

Imageer, I was able to read your post before it was changed so it was not for total waste. Please dont give up posting.

I have always liked this poem about detaching...

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

[phoenyx]

as the king on undetatchment, let me tell you.... when another person is involved, not detaching WILL push them further into the new R. you leave it alone, and there is no common enemy. nobody to be saved from. early on i was horrible, and seeing her everyday exchanging the kids didn't help. she still feeds off me for her drama dose, and trust me after 3 years of BS and a broken engagement attributed to it all, i am telling you it isn't fun. fact is she still isn't detached, maybe because i wasn't, maybe because she never got over it. all i can tell you is it isn't pretty. finally letting go of my resentment from it all, i can tell you how freeing it is, but whether or not detachment would have saved my M? i don't know. i know that if i would have detached and forgiven earlier i would be better off today. you aren't detached until you forgive and let go of the bitterness and anger. then you can realize that it ISN'T all about your spouce. it isn't over until you let go of it all.

[sgctxok]

??????????????


Why, rather than responding to my thoughts and questions, did you erase them and change them to your thoughts?

That hardly seems productive. Wouldn't you agree?'


Imageer.

I am so sorry. I must have hit 'edit' instead of 'quote'. I can't restore it.

Again, I apologize.

[sgctxok]

But my concern is since my H is "in love" & in the MLC fog nothing would suit him more than if I detach. When he notices I'm going on with my life, it frees him of his guilt & is he not thinking "see, she's going to be fine, what I'm doing is not so bad". (?????)

I think this kind of illustrates this idea.


If your spouse is in MLC it means you're probably in it for the long haul. It means you really do have to make yourself happy because your spouse isn't going to be doing it and your efforts to try to get them to see your views or care about your wishes during this time may be fruitless.

But that does not mean you are powerless. You may need to be more creative in finding ways to to make the communication you have be more productive. It actually CAN be a great time of skill building. You SHOULD be trying different things.