I don't agree fully with the notion that DB'ing says you CAN change your spouse by your actions. And I should say that I'm speaking more in the MLC realm than the more benign "we're having some marital problems" case.
One thing I think is often ignored when people are called to task for wrong DB thinking is that MLC, and even hardcore WAW situations, are not the standard DB'ing scenario. Even Michelle devotes separate sections to these conditions, indicating that SOME of the DB process will not work as well or efficiently in those cases.
There is no STANDARD DB scenario. I think many folks take the fact that the various DB 'techniques' are not broken down in the MLC chapter to mean that they are not useful during that time. It just means there isn't a standard way to go about using them, not that they aren't useful. There is no onesizefitsall advice. It's written to let you know you may be in it for the long haul.
Perhaps it's just my slant on the interpretation.
That being said, I think DB'ing teaches us that things deteriorated in the relationship and both of us had a role in it. While we do well to set goals for our relationship interactions, in these severe cases where the spouse has left and possibly started relationships with others, there is little that we can do to reach a spouse who has chosen another.
That may be true for some and not true at all for others. It's definitely not the premise to begin with.
What we can do is understand that their mind is set, there is little we can do to change THEM, but there is likely ALOT we can do to change and improve ourselves.
There are so many examples that show that EVEN IN MLC the actions of the 'DBing' spouse make a clear change in the wayward spouse, and even bring them back.
The drama they leave in their wake is created because they KNOW they are in the wrong and they HATE having to feel guilty for what they've done to us and our families. They also feel the need to JUSTIFY their decision. The end result is that we receive backlash for just about anything that we do at some point.
There is no sense in tying ourselves to a person in that mode.
And it's not our problem that is leading them to create this drama.
There are TWO sides to that story. And this situation is not always created in a vacuum -- with the spouse going wayward. Very often this spouse in MLC really has good valid reasons to be unhappy in the marriage. This person is worth listening to. What I see in these detachment dialogues is that the other person has to be left to do their own thing and we'll do our thing and hope they come back. It really doesn't work that way.
So let it go.
Understand that is what's happening. Understand that your spouse has put him/herself on this path and will do just about anything to protect their decision.
And let it go.
To me, that is detachment.
And it keeps us from looking to THEM for positive feedback and signs that we are making a difference.
This is a good thing.
We need to be who we are, be the best we can be, and treat our spouse in as loving a manner as we are capable of and they will allow.
I agree
But we decieve ourselves if we actually think every little moment is contributing to either the restoration or destruction of our marriage.
The actual moments are all you really have. They really DO contribute.
Just my opinion.
Bill
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I've noticed on a couple of threads that there are people still "standing" for the M in spite of the fact that their S has remarried or is living with OP. In one case the H moves back and forth between OW and W and it's been tolerated for years.
Yet......most everyone gives the LB's kudos for being strong, praying and "standing." If anyone goes onto their thread and tries to give them a 2x4 for not moving on and putting their kids through this they're met with venom. Instead they're praying that God will show their S the way.
I'd like to know why the moderators/counselors are not encouraging these people to move on, save their kids, read DB, (which some have admitted to not reading) etc.
Because they have chosen to deal with this in a different way, not what people or the world advises them.
If you open a Bible, look up the word divorce, you will see exactly what God thinks about divorce.
There are also many examples of how we are to treat our husbands and wives.
It may seem like posts are "met with venom" because of the way a person words their post.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
SF, Maybe my delivery wasn't as smooth as other posters but even when others have challenged your stance is a very nice way, you've responded very negatively.
I'm not meaning to demean you or anyone else who stands for their M. I tried to save mine for a very long time, to no avail. What I'm trying to do is understand why some people are willing to put up with being treated badly & talked down to for such a long time. I honestly, just don't get it.
It is a matter of a belief in God, God's Word. There are some who have put up with far, far worse then I have in their marriages.
Some spouses have left, do not continue to provide financially, do not visit their families, and are very hateful toward their LBS.
I feel I have been blessed as my H has done just the opposite.
Then there are others whose spouses have come and gone way more then mine has.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I guess what it boils down to is that we all have our breaking point when we know we just can't do it anymore. My sister put up with physical abuse for years from her XH and is now M'd to the most wonderful man in the world. My X cheated on me with numerous women. He still provided well for our family and was a wonderful father to our D. What would be the breaking point for you?
One more thing. "My" final straw was that X had a year long affair with a stripper!!! Yup, he's a gem!!!
And.....in all honesty, I've been happier since my D than I was during most of our 23 yrs of my M. I've been D'd for 4 1/2 yrs and living with my BF for the last year. Life is good and I don't regret Ding for a nanosecond.
