I really was not attempting to attack you for your views. The truth is that it was really qoe who I felt went way over the top in the way her case was presented to SteelersFan.
Strangely enough, I agree with you about the fact that many people here are STUCK because they choose to sit back and let things unfold, sometimes under the guise of "letting God do His work."
As a christian myself, I fully recognize the power of allowing God to direct us in the different paths our life travels. But my understanding of God is that He desires US to use the gifts and talents He has given us, NOT sit back and wait for Him to simply work a miracle.
That being said, perhaps I misunderstood what was written earlier. In looking at it now, I still get the impression that those who hold to a "let God do it" approach are given the suggestion that perhaps another site would better meet their needs. I don't think that's right. But I understand you meant differently.
The bottom line I think is that we are always free to share our thoughts and our advice to others. This is a public forum and when we start a thread here we implicitly invite others to read and participate.
But we should not get up in arms if our advice is not heeded, or even worse rejected. We are all in different places in our lives with different beliefs.
I remember SteelersFan since the day I joined this site I think. She has consistently held to the belief that God would have her welcome her husband unconditionally and have her wait for him to finish his journey. She does not believe in boundaries and does not feel as though it is productive to pressure her husband.
These are her beliefs, take them or leave them. I have posted to her occassionally when I felt she was really being mistreated by either her husband or son, but she holds firm to her convictions.
In my opinion, qoe became antagonistic when SF rejected her advice. Soon came what I call badgering and then dark predictions of her future should she continue on that course.
None of those things are called for.
Naej, I think you have insightful advice to offer and have almost always agreed with the things you have shared with others. Choosing to not post is your prerogative, but I would hope you would not choose to do so because of my comments.
There is room for all of us here.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
And really CMNM, if you have a problem with me, feel free to spit it out. Say what you have to say and be done with it.
I stand by my comments or I would not write them.
If I have a problem with a poster, I will post to them directly.
The last paragraph of Naej's post (forgive me Naej - just trying to defend my comments) said that those who hold to a wholly bible based approach would be happier elsewhere. THAT it was I was referring to in my post.
I was NOT angry about it. I expressed my opinion, as I believe it was our right to do.
Speaking of anger....
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I wanted to add a litte bit myself. I actually DO belong to two sites that many would consider "let go and let God" approaches. However, although these are Bible based Christian sites, the participants do NOT sit back and do NOTHING.
Quite contrary. We are also advised to seek our hearts and soul to see where we have offended our spouses and NOT heeded to Biblical principles. These are things we are called to repent for and one of the sites even advices we apologize to our spouses for our part in the marriage but only ONCE. After that we leave them alone and let God do what he needs to do. During that time we are encouraged to pray for them and WAIT for GOD to lead our spouses to contact us. There are sites that suggest us writing a card here and there. But even then the basic overall view is that we give our spouses space while we WORK ON OUSELVES. But that does not mean STAND STILL and do nothing.
That means take an active role asking God to assist us in changing us into the pepople he sees us as. Some of us need help zippping the lips, maybe cleaning the home, caring for the kids, disciplining the children, finances, the list can be long or short depending on the person. While we are looking to God for direction and transformation of ourselves God is working on our spopuses. We are EXPECTED to TRUST Him fully. God is the God of impossible. There is no situation He can not heal or restore, but WE have to have FAITH in HIM as the God of impossiblilites. If we place limits on God and Jesus how ca they effectively help heal our families?
Does any of this sound familiar? You see the DB priniciples fit very well along with Biblical principles. I have read both DR and DB myself. Someone here recognized something in my post regarding faith and directed me to the more Christian ministries. I still visit here though because there are things regarding day to day interactions that I do not get from the other sites.
I am a Christian and I am using God to guide me. I guess you could call me a "stander." I am standing on the solid rock of Jesus to guide me. As He has been guiding me my home is much more orderly. I am learning more and more of the type of woman God wants me to be. I am teaching my children to pray on a regular basis. We do things together. I have noticed that my husband is interested in what we do and Praise the Lord, God has kept him very close to the children and I.
One thing I wanted to mention that I have seen over and over in countless marraige restoration testimonies is that God WILL bring the spouse home when the "stander" is ready. You never know what condition your beloved will be returned to you and therefore you must be READY. SOme spouses come home changed too some return more broken then when they first left, regardless ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD.
For the very last time I repeat my main point that was
Quote:
Just suggesting that those who rely primarily and wholly on bible verses, prayer and newsletters from other sites and take offence and indeed regard other pov as attacks from the enemy would be happier elsewhere.IMO
I did not say a Bible based approach. I said "SUCH" meaning the above quoted I agree we all choose what advice to take and I have never taken offence when a poster chooses to disregard my advice. What I do find offensive is when I give advice to a poster and straight away it is countered by another post decrying my advice as worldly and how the enemy attacks us when we follow Christs teachings. Especially when these people are obviously vunerable and desperate to latch on to any glimmer of hope for the magic bullet to bring their husband home.
Anyone can quote a bible verse to make a point, out of context it means little. The other day a reply was given to a posters remark that was pulled straight from Yahoo answers! It is the crippling inaction that baffles me. The total inability to take any advice on board that baffles me. Not once has any every been accepted,always a biblical reply. No wonder that some of us resort to sarcasm. It is so predictable and I am angry with myself as much as anything that it matters to me so much. I just hate to see vunerable and weak people exploited.It is a very sad fact that Christian marriages now account for more than half of the 50% that fail so I read just yesterday. Now I really am done. God does indeed work in mysterious ways. I wish all those who are trying to save their marriages the very best of luck.
I see your frustration and I understand. I know people where I have prayed about them trying to figure out what words to say to encourage or perhaps help them to maybe change their approach a bit. Sometimes God gives me the words sometimes He does not.
I think that when I do not get words to help it is becasue this is a person only God can deal with. Sometimes people build huge walls up around themselves and NOTHING anyone can say will penetrate those walls, they just have to figure it out on their own.
I understand you are trying to help and yes many times people take things out of context or simply shut out any and all help. But that is ok, in time God reaches the people he needs to reach with the right words to guide them back to what He needs them to do.
I honestly have no idea what your post to me meant. Nor do I know why you are so combative with me. I don't have a problem with YOU, I have a problem with people jumping to fight with, discredit, and mock people that have a different point of view.
I am glad you stand by your comments. I would expect as much.
Now quit with this silliness and get back to saving marriages, K? I am not here to fight with anyone.
I just hate to see vunerable and weak people exploited.
This is exactly where my posts came from. I "was" one of these people until I finally decided "enough." I actually hated myself for allowing H to treat me the way he did for so long. Also, I hated the fact that it could make my D disrespect me since I so obviously didn't respect myself. I finally made him leave because I didn't want my D to think that our M'd life was "normal." It was far from it!!!
Leaving H was the best thing I ever did and I'm only sorry I didn't do it years earlier and not wasted so much of my life.
Yes, everyone has their own agenda and if I offended anyone, I'm sincerely sorry. It came from the first sentence on this post.
I really was just curious as to why some people hang on to a miserable situation for so long.
I'll be staying on my own forum from now on........
For me the detaching was so hard in the begining, I was almost obsessed with my Husband's every move.
But I learned to do it, very slowly.
It took maybe the first 12-18 months post bomb to really say that I was detached and was able to fully function normally without my Husband being on my mind 24/7.
It probably helped me that he lived 3000 miles away. I didn't have to run into him anywhere and as he didn't come and visit me or the children, my only communication was the phone or email.
I remember one day being brave enough to actually turn off the cell phone and unplug the house phone for the whole weekend. I needed peace and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
My relationship with God began to take precedence over my relationship with my Husband, and that was one of the best things that happened to me.
A Poster named Newman once made a comment to me about being still and staying in the Refiner's Fire, and that was a huge turning point for me.
It was a time for me that was really peaceful and even though it was one of the hardest times of my life, it was also the closest I have ever been to God. I think I have made many references to the Refiner's Fire all over this site.
Some of the points that SG made are quite valid though.
Many things that my Husband would spew to me in anger were greatly exaggerated, BUT there was an element of truth to the words.
Once I had learned how to detach from him emotionally, I was able to listen to what he was saying without being sucked into the drama of his MLC.
I also had a really good therapist and was taking AD's and AA's, and of course, I had this site to come to.
BUT, there is another side to detachment....
When and if they come home.
Learning to reattach during the piecing is so so hard.
It was harder for me then the actual detaching.
Having to re-learn how to live with someone again and to be able to have to share your life again and give up half of the closet and be accountable for your time.
When he came home, after the MLC, I actually thought I was going to have a crisis of my own.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Detaching is not about giving up on your m or not loving your spouse. It is about making yourself healthy and happy. Like BND said it is detaching emotionally and not being sucked into the drama. You cannot work on yourself if you are too wrapped up in what your WAS is doing. It does not mean you stop caring for them but you need to look after yourself. You cannot do anything for an mlc spouse but you can do plenty for yourself. Drop the rope.
Thanks bnd for getting us back on topic - although as a newbie here it's been interesting!
Yes, sg makes a good point about listening to our MLC spouses. Several times I tried to convince my h that he was living in denial, was in a fog, was not himself, blah, blah, blah, & he said "but this is the way I feel right now & you're not respecting my feelings".
Fortunately, he has not spewed out any anger during all this time, just sadness & apologies for it happening (the OW).
Being still is the best advice I've received too. Since my h is major ADHD & I am more Ghandi like, I've always felt we were very complimentary. You have to really understand your spouse's personality & character - then - when the crisis hits & they change overnight, remember that the "real" person is still deep down in there somewhere.
This seems to be when detaching helps the most but I fear sometimes that if I detach emotionally will my love detach too?
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
