Oops - no, sorry. But think how much you would have liked to have heard what he thought and felt - if he hasn't or hadn't ever talked about things like that.
Oh please now. It's an old saying. Surely you've heard it before.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Great post and so timely. Much as I know that I can never go wrong following the Lord, I have been second guessing myself.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
It's great to share our faith as it brings hope and light for many. It's also who we are. And there is nothing contradictory with that in being sensitive to where others are....if it gets in the way (not our faith but the discussion) of helping hurting folks receive healing for their marriages and lives.
So let's get back the topic of detaching.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
BND's story is one the most shining examples of an MLC success....where not only has her H come back, but they're living a happy love-filled life.
And not just because she stood and not just because she detached.
Quote:
She did what was needed in the meantime. She made lots of REAL GIVING changes. And she did them not just for herself but for her H and for her relationship.
But she also didn't do them in a clinging way......if he had never come back...BND had dignity and skills that are killer. She would have been able to be successful in the next relationship had this one not worked out. AND she would have been successful had she stayed completely single.
She will talk about lots of other things, but make no mistake she made the changes that ATTRACTED HER HUSBAND back.
Some of the points that SG made are quite valid though.
Many things that my Husband would spew to me in anger were greatly exaggerated, BUT there was an element of truth to the words.
Once I had learned how to detach from him emotionally, I was able to listen to what he was saying without being sucked into the drama of his MLC.
Detaching helped her. She wasn't so detached she couldn't really hear him.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Learning to reattach during the piecing is so so hard.
It was harder for me then the actual detaching.
Having to re-learn how to live with someone again and to be able to have to share your life again and give up half of the closet and be accountable for your time.
When he came home, after the MLC, I actually thought I was going to have a crisis of my own.
Beautifully said.
I've seen some folks detach enough they can't SEE nor WORK their baby steps. They let them fall by the wayside.
Or feel it's too little too late when the jackpot isn't all that far away now.
....so, BND, how did you come to grips with the reattaching, giving up closet space, and being accountable for your time?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I also think if you want to stand then detaching is a must. You cannot handle all of the stuff that the mlcer throws at you and not detach. You will soon become angry and start to hate your WAS. I think detachment is necessary if you want to stand for your m.
I don't care whether people think I am "stuck" or not - whether they think I should "move on" or not. People who deceive themselves they are happier than we who chose to stand - or to follow Christ's teachings - often find another person to "heal" them.
AMEN to that !
And herein lies the problem... Why does it have to be that those people are "deceiving" themselves that they are happier? Maybe they are happier. Who are any of us to say?
Some standers are happy, some who move on are happy. Why does this have to be a question of right or wrong? It seems like all of this got started over a simple suggestion that if you are standing YET MISERABLE perhaps you need to do something else, or actually try some of the advice that is given here.
I for one am tired of backing down everytime someone pulls out the Jesus card. I have my beliefs, too- it isn't that I don't have them. I still stand for my marriage though divorced. However, no where in the DB books does faith come into play. It is about changing you to change your relationship.
I am really disappointed in the turn this board has taken for some time now. It used to be a safe and happy place to be. Now there is all sorts of bickering and side-taking and backstabbing. What a shame.
For you that are strong in your beliefs, good for you. Standing or not standing...whatever you choose. It is your life and your job to make yourself happy. If you are going to put your life on this board and then get offended when people point out some unhealthy tendencies, then perhpas you are in the wrong place. If I have said it once I have said it a thousand times: The stuff that people say that is bothersome to you is probably the stuff you really should examine.
And now I am off to examine why I even care that people I don't even know are attacking me on a board that I come to in an effort to say, "hey, I've been there...and these are the mistakes I made that I want to prevent YOU from making."
Sigh. Can't we all just get along?
Actually, I meant Amen to....sometimes happiness lies within standing, and sometimes it lies within letting go and moving on...it's different for each individual and I think it should be that way. We all have different lives, different stories, different experiences...we all make different choices and that's fine. I did not mean to offend anyone, I truly apologize if I did !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
