Here is the infamous list that has been going around for quite some time. I thought I would post if here to my thread...after reading this list I realize I have some work to do. I'm ashamed to say I have broken over half of them
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1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turn the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing your spouse back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
This is a good list of reminders Jen. Now, can you take anything from here and make a smaller, short list of positives for you to do, that will help with the goals on the longer list?
These goals should involve you, not H. They should be things you feel you need to work on for yourself. By working on them, they will ultimately spill over to this longer list and that list won't be so long anymore.
Be honest with him, but make plans for yourself. Start implementing the tools you have. You say if you want to do something he will come stay with D? Then start asking him a little more often. Start doing things for you. Things you enjoy and make you feel good. Even if it is sitting in the park on a sunny day with a book. Take the focus off your H and put it on you and solely on you for now.
Sounds good Amy...thanks!
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
This is a good list of reminders Jen. Now, can you take anything from here and make a smaller, short list of positives for you to do, that will help with the goals on the longer list?
Ok let me see; #2, #4, #11, #12, and #13 for now sound good. I can work on them.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
lots of good advice...as for the DB sessions- it is os packed full yet it is so empowering. all worth it. there is room for questions, issues, what ifs, etc.
all of it. write down all you want to get out of it ...you will see...it will be great for you!
you are really doing 180 after 180! dont get sea sick though!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
