....so, BND, how did you come to grips with the reattaching, giving up closet space, and being accountable for your time?
Honestly....
Piecing sucked in the begining. The first few weeks were the honeymoon period, it was fun, the sex was great, we were both on our best behaviour and we were both so grateful to have our family back together again.
Then reality set in.
Now it was time to put into practice all of the things I had learned through Divorce-Busting.
I had to really learn how to listen to my Husband's words and the things he was saying. I was so used to detaching from it all because of his MLC spew, that I had forgotten how to be his partner again.
I was so used to doing it all alone and raising the kids alone and making the rules alone and budgeting all alone and now my Husband wanted to be a part of it all again and I wasn't so sure if I really had it in me to really let go properly.
Disciplining the kids was a biggie for me. They were used to having just me around and I had to zip my lip when my Husband would tell them off or send them to their room.
And then there was the cooking. I love to cook, and my Husband decided that when he came home he wanted to also play around in the kitchen. He is a lousy cook and I have had to try and encourage him rather then make comments and faces.
And then there was the first fight...blech! And it was about money and I was sooo pissed off because he had come home with so much debt and had spent our entire savings and wiped out our retirement and my attitude sucked because I felt that he had no say anymore as to how the money was spent.
And then I remembered what I had been praying for for so many years.
I wanted my family complete again.
I wanted a new and better Marriage, and so I have had to learn how to communicate better, rather then to shut down.
Jack kept telling me to use my words, but I had forgotten how to really talk to my Husband. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing and having him tell me that my changes were not real.
DB taught me how to keep my big mouth shut.
It taught me how to detach from the BS and focus on what was really important.
I have spent the past 17 months trying to find a balance, and I think that is what has made this so difficult for me.
My Husband is grateful for the changes I have made, and he tells me all of the time how much he loves the new me.
Unfortunately for many MLC'ers, they don't change at the same rate we do. I believe they become stagnant during the crisis and while we evolve into better people, they remain the same.
Only now do I see my Husband's changes, although they have been slow in coming, he is moving in the right direction.
This weekend I was upset about something he had said to me. I guess he could tell from my silence that I was "stewing" and he told me that he was sorry for being such an insensitive jerk and that he is really trying to be a better Husband.
This is why we have to focus on ourselves and detach from them. Work on our own issues and become better people.
Regardless of whether or not they ever come home we need to be in a position of strength not weakness. That means to be strong in who we are, and to conquer our own personal fears.
My therapist told me once that I had to stop being afraid. The worst had already happened.....he had left, and I was alone, and I didn't die, I was still alive and kicking and needed tomake the most out of my life for myself and my children.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Regardless of whether or not they ever come home we need to be in a position of strength not weakness. That means to be strong in who we are, and to conquer our own personal fears.
My therapist told me once that I had to stop being afraid. The worst had already happened.....he had left, and I was alone, and I didn't die, I was still alive and kicking and needed tomake the most out of my life for myself and my children.
BND, this is excellent and it's great advice for lots of situations not just saving a M. However, I'm very glad that you were able to save yours.
I also think that when our WAS is gone we tend to see everything through rose colored glasses.
We seem to suddenly forget the bad stuff and only focus on the good things, and how much we miss them and need them in our lives.
We begin to do things for their attention and make them our reason for living.
We forget all about their character flaws and romantasize our Marriage.
I am not saying that we should dwell on the bad things, I am simply saying that if we can be totally honest, even if our Marriage was good, it was not perfect.
I know for me, there was a time when I placed my WAH on a pedestool. I took all of the blame for everything and made him out to be so wonderful.
I also came to realize that each of us played a part in the demise of our Marriages, yet none of us deserved to be treated as badly as most of the WAS have treated us.
But it was definately a wake up call.
This is why we have to detach from their lunacy, and their perception of us.
We have to focus on ourselves and also have a reality check about who we are, and what we deserve.
We need to set boundaries, not to punish them, but rather to protect ourselves.
Once self preservation mode kicked in for me, and I truly learned how to detach I began to sleep alot better at night and could actually function normally again.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Hey BND, I have struggled with detaching from my depressed ex, it feels like abandonment, but I know thats ridiculous, as he left me and is coping ok (better than me at times!). It makes me feel better and relieved to hear it took you 12-18 months to master it. I've had some 2x4's on my thread over the past few months about detaching, but at the 9th month mark and I'm feeling kind of detached for the first time (but not entirely!).
My problem is, he continually apologies and is sweet and kind when I speak to him and has never ever spewed or uttered an angry word at me, or blamed me in any way...so I wonder what it is I need to detach from. Its not an abusive/damaging situation and I do get something out of spending time with him that I find healing. Of course, its only crumbs, its not an R and may not ever be again.
I know I need to detach, but probably more so, I need along with lots of us here, to just accept that its over. If he comes back one day, I would be thrilled, but I'm not counting on it.
I do think with a depressed ex, theres an element of staying in touch, being their friend, as an excellent book I read on depression said, the most important thing is to "just be there". But, be there with no expectations I guess. Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
All of the other things were right on target too, as usual!!! Getting to the detachment was really, really difficult for me. Once I did is when I finally found peace in my life again. Like you I felt normal and could sleep and not wake up all hours of the night. It's all gradual but we got there!
Back to our lives and not taking anything for granted again!!!!
I am thinking you meant detaching. It was really hard for me. It took forever to get to the point where my h didn't consume my every thought. I had to take it one day at a time, sometimes minute by minute. It worked but it is a long process to find peace in your life. At that point I knew I could make it with or without my h. I had become stronger than I had ever thought I could be. I could manage the house and things that went wrong by myself. I grew as a person, not just a wife and mother. I found myself! When my h came back home for good, he noticed all the changes and like them!!!! I guess through the years I had become to dependent on my h and finally found my own independence.
That did make sense, how did you get to the point that your H didn't consume your every thought? That is my problem now, I can't seem to get him out of my mind.
