What's going well?

[lynn08]

I like reading these, it helps me alot with my recent S from H. Thank you! Hopefully I will have some to share in the future too.

[idontknow]

I like the outcome of this story, it gives me hope....I so happy it worked your you two!

[kassie]

This thread depresses me. Nothing seems to be working in my stitch. I have tried to reconnect with previous interests but my heart isn't in it.
Our communication has changed even when I have tried using different mediums. We still end up arguing about the same things. He starts and I just try to end the convo and move on. What I have been doing I hate! but I stopped taking calls, I delete messages, and emails. The quiet feels better.

He has stopped previous behavior causing problems in our M and is getting help but it doesn't show up when we talk or meet.

When I read the posts here, I feel that he is making progress in improving his life, I am free of the conflict, but as a couple we aren't connecting. I have tried a lot of the suggestions on this site and the only progress I see is that I am becoming more comfortable apart. I don't see how that is a good thing for a M.

Any comments?

[blueheart]

Thanks for this post. I am at the beginning of this long journey (H left 2 months ago) and am still feeling my way through the maze of feelings and information. So happy that I found this site and the wonderful coach that I have been working with. Reading stories of success or reminders that patience and calm are so important, really helps me. But the fear is always present, like an illness that I can't get rid of. I have a constant churning of anxiety in my chest and I'm afraid to be alone too much. Trying to GAL as much as possible - seeing friends, taking classes.... but the bottom line is that my heart is completely broken and I miss my lifemate more than I can say. So, I read these kinds of posts and get renewed hope. Thanks.

[2inlimbo]

I am getting a life. I've dropped 14 pounds since the separation and am running. I'm going out with my friends. I'm praying. I'm organizing and cleaning the house. I'm being upbeat. AND I'm enjoying sleeping in the middle of the bed!!

That said, my husband has said he'll decide in June whether or not he still wants a D. If he wants a D, I'll need to really work on keeping it together.

[mkultra]

Hi. I am on Month #24 of my separation and , in a way, my divorce is busted but I have no real marriage. My H has never asked for a divorce, but I am still alone. He drops by daily. This irks me but I have not complained or filed. It was only me that try to save the marriage the first few months of our separation.

I think it does work to not bring up divorce or talk about the relationship.

It also helps to be positive. I know a happy spouse is almost impossible to leave, so that is reassuring.

It has also been very smart to never snoop. Some of my darkest moments have been going through his mail. yes, it confirmed his affair(s)?, but it also made me lose respect for myself. Affairs come out into the light eventually anyways.

Overall, I am proud that I have stuck to the main principles of DBing. I recommend it to everyone I see in similar sitches and there are a lot of us, so do not feel alone!

Keep the faith.

[foreverhesaid]

One of the realizations that I came to recently did help me alot mentally. I thought, what if my husband was diagnosed with cancer? What if he was schizophrenic or bipolar? Certainly I could expect alot of depression, or times when he didn't seem to know what he was doing. I wouldn't give up on him just because of that. I certainly consider the way he's acting now, having an affair and being totally selfish a mental illness. He is so different from the upright, honest and dependable man I married.
So, patience, patience and more patience. Keep trying those DB techniques.

[minkerman]

I will say what worked for me, not what is working

The biggest thing that changed my W's perception of who she "thought" I was...

I started acting like a decisive, confident man. Like the way I was when we met 30 years ago, and that I somehow lost. I had turned into a boring, wussy, approval-seeker! ACK! Looking back, I don't know how I got there, but I did. I'm ashamed of my former self.

I used the DR book as my bible. I was the poster child.

I also signed up for DB coaching, and it was fabulous.

Over the months that we were separated, I gradually started getting my own life, and I rediscovered myself, the REAL me.

I started playing guitar again, I started painting again, I went out with friends, and I actually asked a woman out on a date. One night my W and I went out for dinner and I told her I was done, that I was moving on.

The next day, my W asked if we could try again.

Since then, each day has pretty much been better than the last. I am more in love with her than ever, and she tells me she loves me all the time too. The desire, the affection, the touching...it's all back, in spades.

We are going through the uncomfortable (for her especially) process of reconnecting with our friends now.

So that's my story, so far.

Keep it up folks, and here's my last gem of wisdom. The Number 1 thing you have to do is:
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BE CONSISTENT.

THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!!


We often forget that consistent part!!!

Just checking in to say, we are still going GREAT!

A couple of hiccups, but we actually TALKED our way through them.

Good luck to all!!!

M

[theenglishrose]

Going back to work part-time has really helped me. Now I don't sit around all day wondering if he is going to call me. I have cut off all communication with H other than that which is absolutely necessary - if he wants to talk to me or make arrangements to see me, he is going to have to initiate. The fact that he has NOT attempted to contact me has showed me something as well - detaching from him is NOT bringing him back in my direction - at least not yet.

But I am feeling better about myself - I have lost some weight since I started working and being on my feet for a good portion of the day - I am meeting new people on a daily basis and interacting with them in a way that is good for my self-esteem - I get along well with my co-workers (all of whom are male - it's interesting being the only woman in a male dominated environment). I've tried to stop talking to my son about his father and when S brings him up, I try to be as objective as possible. I have my own income now so if H is late with the child support it doesn't freak me out anymore b/c I know I can still pay the bills. I have regular evening activities and weekend activities and I no longer let myself get upset if H doesn't show up when S has a soccer game or a karate tournament or a church family picnic. In fact I'm not even telling him about those things anymore. If and when H decides he wants to be part of our lives again, we'll take it from there - but I am no longer actively pursuing him nor do I plan on doing so ever again in the future.

[sgctxok]

Going back to work part-time has really helped me. Now I don't sit around all day wondering if he is going to call me. I have cut off all communication with H other than that which is absolutely necessary - if he wants to talk to me or make arrangements to see me, he is going to have to initiate. The fact that he has NOT attempted to contact me has showed me something as well - detaching from him is NOT bringing him back in my direction - at least not yet.

But I am feeling better about myself - I have lost some weight since I started working and being on my feet for a good portion of the day - I am meeting new people on a daily basis and interacting with them in a way that is good for my self-esteem - I get along well with my co-workers (all of whom are male - it's interesting being the only woman in a male dominated environment). I've tried to stop talking to my son about his father and when S brings him up, I try to be as objective as possible. I have my own income now so if H is late with the child support it doesn't freak me out anymore b/c I know I can still pay the bills. I have regular evening activities and weekend activities and I no longer let myself get upset if H doesn't show up when S has a soccer game or a karate tournament or a church family picnic. In fact I'm not even telling him about those things anymore. If and when H decides he wants to be part of our lives again, we'll take it from there - but I am no longer actively pursuing him nor do I plan on doing so ever again in the future.

Rose---I think you've 'made it' to the other side, and no doubt---you behave so 'attractively'--I know it was hard won, but you did it. You are an example to be followed. I love your perspective. You're doing an amazing job and you should be proud of yourself. I pray it leads to all of your hopes and desires coming true.