Trying not to count my chickens!

[peacetoday]

I have heard the 18 month mark seems to be it for some
I am also at 18 months and see no changes
Upside
glad things are continuing to go smoothly for you
enjoy your weekend
peace

[still hoping]

Thanks for asking... No progress from H. I really don't like who he has become. He's immature and selfish - qualities he always had, but never so out of control. I just plain don't like him, although I've accepted that I will probably always love him unconditionally.

My "warm & fuzzy" crusade is on hold for now. I don't want him back like this. Maybe it's because I don't have the strength right now... I'm still processing these new feelings of really letting go of him. I really am fine, but almost every night I have this feeling of overwhelming sadness for H and my kids. No crying, just sadness - and it's gone by the time I wake up. Maybe I'm experiencing the grief of really letting him go? I don't know.

Although I can't figure out how I would ever meet anyone with my schedule and lifestyle, I am definitely open to meeting someone new. Not necessarily right now, but hopefully one day. 2 years later and H seems to be going backwards. I think it's a lost cause.

Your sitch, OTOH, is progressing nicely! I think it's great that H wanted your opinion on the property. Sounds to me like he's thinking of his future with you in it. You know our motto around here, but I'll remind you one more time: zero expectations and large doses of patience.

[Upside]

Hi NG, glam, peace and sh-
Sunday was 18 months since the bomb. Those of you who have kept up with my sitch know that this has been a very slow process for my H since he was cycling back and forth for about 8 or 9 months. I think it was around April or May when things seemed to be getting better more consistantly...even more in the last month or so...but even though we are getting more comfortable around each other, I still don't see him rushing to move back in with me any time soon. However, I do see that he is thinking about things.

My H did come to the party I threw for my S's team on Saturday. My H was a huge help doing all of the grilling. When he showed up, he actually brought my birthday present...he was very sweet and wanted to give me his gift before the party since he thought it could be used it for the party...he got me outdoor speakers and a nice reciever. It was sooo sweet of him and I completely appreciate it...and it is a gift that he will probably enjoy as well if he is spending time here.

My H did spend the night again. It is tough to get used to sleeping together again. It took me a long time to fall asleep and then once I did, I think he tossed and turned. He said he thought he didn't sleep well due to the alcohol he consumed Saturday night. but he did say he was feeling more comfortable sleeping at my house.

So, on to my birthday...it started out great. H sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday first thing. Then my D called (my kids were with their dad). After that I got up and found that my S had snuck in the house in the middle of the night and put up some decorations (one of the sweetest things he has ever done for me). Later my mom, my sister and my niece came over for lunch. Early evening, I met my H for C...at moments it was difficult and I had to suck it up. My H said how he thought that I have changed because I really listen to him and accept what he says or what he wants to do. Since it was my birthday, I decided to be a little more bold. I asked when I would be able to discuss how I feel about things. The C and my H made me feel like I should be able to talk about things...the C discussed how we need to find a way to resolve conflicts that works for both of us. After the C, my H and I went to dinner. My H and I talked about how he has a conference to go to starting this Thurday and ending late Saturday and how he is going to a baseball game tonight. I said something about when we would see each other next and my H said that we could plan something for next Monday. I decided to test the waters with my H and tell him in the most benign way possible that I was disappointed to not be seeing him for a week. He then proceeded to tell me that I was being brat-like and how he thought I was somehow attacking him. His reaction kind of threw me and I did get a little visable upset which didn't help the situation but I held it together enough to let my H know that I can handle conflicts in a mature way...even if he didn't.

My H ended up apologizing and acknowledging that he still needs to work on some issues. I just think it is interesting that most people would choose to appreciate that someone is disappointed that they won't see you for a week...how does someone view that as an attack?

My H called me just to talk to this morning. So, I am hopeful that some progress was made over the last few days. My H wrote in my birthday card "I know things are different but let's just keep working on everything."...so we will keep working.

This still isn't easy...and I just hope this is all worth it in the end. Right now I wonder if my H and I will ever be ready to live together again.

[still hoping]

Happy Belated Birthday Upside!!!

What a sweet thing your S did for you! Glad you got to spend some time with your H over the weekend. That sounds like significant progress to me. Just a suggestion to remind H how much you appreciate and are enjoying your present from him.

Have you treated yourself to anything special for your birthday?

[new_attitude]

Happy Belated Bday!!!

I'm getting caught up and was glad to read about your great vacation, that h joined you for the party and then slept over and that he acknowledged IN WRITING that you were working on your R. That's great.

Try not to worry about when/if he's going to move in with you. I think it may be better to work through your issues while you're living apart, so when/if you do move back in together, you'll already be that much stronger. I've seen so many posts here about the WAS moving in too soon and then quickly moving back out.

Patience, patience, patience...

[glamgirl]

Wow Upside as you know my h is not willing to take the plunge of sleeping over. I am not sure what is with that. It's like he just can't.

I am hoping that he just decides to pack it up where he is living and just comes back for good. I am not so sure I would like him to sleep over but not ready to return. He needs to return for good as a whole man.

I agree with New. I was thinking about this today. Work out your issues apart so when they do return you have already connected and maybe it would be more like smooth sailing.

Upside you are doing so great! Keep it going! It's good to hear we are both in much better places. Remember how it was for both of us in the beginning?

[Upside]

Hi sh, na and glam-
Thanks for the birthday wishes. It was a nice birthday. I agree about working out our issues before my H moves back...if he does move back. I just keep thinking about my H's strange reaction to me telling him I was disappointed that I wouldn't see him for a week. He called me twice on Tuesday so I thought everything seemed good, even that maybe our conversation the night before had made him to think a little about my feelings. Now I haven't heard from him since Tuesday evening. I know he is out of town at his conference but his cell phone still works...after all, how long does it take to send a text? He obviously isn't thinking about my feelings right now.

The C commented about how much we have progressed in the last 6 months and how he thinks the odds of our M surviving are good. He pointed out how my H is showing up to C and working on our relationship. I have to say I am a little frustrated thinking that we progress as long as I stuff my feelings. Maybe my H just thinks I just don't have any feelings...and I am just EXPECTING (oops!) something when I shouldn't. I need a change in perspective here...HELP!

[glamgirl]

Look at it this way, since we (woman) think that the man has all the issues. Just let your h do most of the talking, don't try to defend yourself

What I have found is that what I wanted to say in c is just not that important anymore. Now that my h is making such great progress, I have really forgotten what I wanted to talk over in c.

I always really try to talk in c the big stuff. I did approach the why can't you answer your phone when I call. He agreed in c to answer and then that didn't happen. That is where the NO expectations comes in handy.

Now I am seeing much progress and he does call me more unexpectedly, so you will see more results Upside as your h progresses further.

Enjoy what you have now and don't worry about what you think you might want for now. If that makes sense!

It will all come later. Look at Yellow Rose!

[Upside]

Hey glam-
I really haven't been defending myself with my H. I do my best to validate and I do tell him I am sorry that he has felt the way he has. I was getting results...things were going so well with my H but now it is almost as if he is cycling away from me again since I have barely heard from him (a couple of text messages) for the last 5 days. He has been out of town but is that really an excuse if we are really working on things the way that HE says we are.

What my H is doing is the exact reason why we are told to not have any expectations...but why a person does this to someone they supposably love makes no sense to me and it drives me crazy. I almost feel like I am an addict and I am fine as long as I get my fix on a regular basis. If I don't get my fix, I start to go through a withdrawl. Don't get me wrong, I am strong and I know I would be fine without my H...but I hate that that limbo feeling is back again.

I know I need to continue to have patience and understanding. I know I need to appreciate the baby steps my H does make...afterall, he is supposably coming over tomorrow, we have a C appointment on Weds. (he set the appointment up) and we even discussed possibly going somewhere together next weekend (but that was a while ago).

When my H backs off like this, I question if I can continue to stand. I feel like I am sucking up all of my hurt and pain while he continues to blame me for things I had no control over...and for what purpose? At times he takes some responsibility but at others it still seems to be all my fault. What happened to the partner that I had? I want him back and I wonder if he truly ever will return. I don't necessarily always like this new guy in my H's body even though I do sometimes see glimses of my old H slipping out. This new guy drinks more than he should, cusses more than I like, isn't financially responsible and he doesn't care about my feeling a lot of the time.

I have plenty to do in my life to keep me busy and my life fulfilled. I would be fine without out my H emotional and financially. Why do I get so frustrated when he backs off like this? I just really want a partner to share my life with...I believe in marriage and that it shouldn't entered into and exited from lightly. I know my H is not an emotionally well man...and I wish I could help him, but has to to be the one to help himself.

I suppose I am just having a bad day and this venting was long over due. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[Upside]

I was feeling very hurt by the time I finally heard from my H again on Sunday. He sent me a text in the morning asking if we were still barbequing. I knew I couldn't go through the day acting "as if" so I called him to find out why I hadn't really heard from him for 5 days. He seemed surprised that it had been that long since we talked when I asked why I hadn't heard from him. He told me he forgot his phone charger and didn't want to buy one since he owns several already. I'm definately having trust issues...Ohhhhh, there will be lots to talk about this week with the C. Anyway, my H apologized and I did my best to let it go...at least for now.

My H came over in the afternoon. When he was here, I asked him whether or not we are doing anything together this weekend. He told me he is going to go up to visit his D this weekend since her birthday is next week. He said he knew we were supposed to do something so he asked me if I want to go with him. I am not sure how I feel about this. First, I am still disappointed that he didn't think to call me for 5 days. Second, he apparently already had his secretary book his trip (solo) to see his D. Third, he wants alone time with his D so if I went up, would I be infringing on his time with her. Forth, I don't know what his D thinks of us working on reconciling (if that is what we are doing) and I am not sure how comfortable I will be with the whole situation. Fifth, I am not sure he really wants me to go...he just knows he has already screwed up and he is looking for a way out.

There is just so much to talk about with the C.

Any thoughts on what I should do?