Trying not to count my chickens!

[peacetoday]

Upside
I am glad you let him go alone..That was probably a good idea
and you are doing well..This part does seem difficult b/c you do get many positives
the trip idea also seems like progress..your H wants to find his way back..it just his way, his time
and I guess we all know no matter what we do it doesnt bring them back any faster
so live your life in between his contact like glam said
give him affirmations and your self too
you are doing well
peace

[Upside]

Hi NG, glam and peace-

Looks like the "family" trip isn't going to happen...my H will have to be preparing for trial at the time he wanted to go...and I doubt there will be another time soon where we could work it out where we could all go.

I spent most of the weekend arguing about financial issues via email with my XH. My XH always ends up attacking me making me out to be a horrible mother and just an awful person...I really think his W writes the emails but even still he lets her send them. I really get so tired of trying to deal with them but when there are kids involved, you have no choice sometimes. I just feel bad because the kids end up being caught in the middle even if you try to keep them out.

So by the time my H got back from seeing his D, my emotions were pretty raw. When my H called, I was kind of upset because of what that had been going on all weekend. I told my H everything that had been going on with my XH. He was nice and tried to support me...but then he told me that he mentioned to his D that we are going to C. He said she reacted and he asked her if she had a problem with it. She said "yeh, seven years worth"...I guess she was refering to the amount of time my H and I were together before she left for college. She then told him that she doesn't like me. That is no surprise to me...after my H and I got married, my step-D never did like me regardless of how hard I tried. I had just hoped she had grown up some since being away a college. I have to admit it did hurt when he told me that.

Fastforward to last night when we went to the C. I wasn't in the mood to sit there and listen to my H bash me so I told the C and my H how I felt about somethings...mostly how this is moving so slowly and I don't want to be doing this a year from now. My H was fine with it for the most part except if I tell him how I feel, he gets extremely defensive. So, after we left the C, I figured we would go get dinner or something because my H was leaving today on a business trip, we haven't spent much time together recently and I just finished telling in C that we need to really start working on things. He told me that he didn't want to go out because he needed to get ready for his trip. I know I acted disappointed and he reacted. He told me "Well, maybe we are just beating a dead horse here". I told him that is fine if that is the way he felt. We talked for a few more minutes and he seemed to regret saying that and he said he would call me later. He did call. I was pretty fed up by that time. He asked if I wanted to do something this weekend and next weekend. I couldn't really answer him. Sometimes I just don't care anymore. He said he would call me today but I have yet to hear from him.

I'm feeling a little beat up...not sure where I am at in all of this today...

[glamgirl]

Upside sorry the convo didn't go so well. You will need to learn to bite the tongue and let go of some of the anger and disappointment if you want this to work.

You are still having expectations. Remember let that go too.

You can do this. Your h has made huge progress. Don't push him away now, that he has come this far.

[Upside]

Hey glam-
The conversation didn't really go that bad...it was just his reacting to my disappointment. I believe part of his problem is that he doesn't like to disappointment me so when he feels he has, he either gets defensive or tries to placate me somehow.

Yeh, I admit I had an expectation of spending a little bit of time with my H last night. We discussed both of our reactions to the situation and I think we came up with some better ways of dealing with it but I'm not sure it makes a whole lot of difference. Even though my H says he won't let his D run his life, I know the fact that she doesn't like me will always be an issue for us. I could handle it before when I knew I was a priority to my H...now he is his priority...and rightly so, his D is too.

[Upside]

I haven't been posting much because there hasn't been much to report. My H was out of town most of last week. He did text me a little more when he was gone and called me once...so that is a small improvement. As far as I know, my H has no more excuses to travel for quite some time.

On Friday, I had dinner with a good friend of my H's. His opinion is that I need to give my H a deadline because my H won't do anything unless I force the issue.

Saturday my H came over and hung out with me and the kids for the majority of the day. We had a nice time and my H seemed comfortable. Before my H left (when he was giving me some hugs and kisses), I asked him what it is going to take in order for him to want to move back in with us. He said he didn't know. I told him he needs to figure it out and I left it at that.

Today will be an interesting day. I need to deal with my H in regard to some financial issues. We have a C appointment and then to top it off, my H is supposed to have a court appearance in regard to the D. I wonder if he will finally dismiss the D since he yet to serve me in the 13 months after he filed the papers. If he doesn't dismiss it, I am going to be doing something different...not quite sure what yet. If he does, I am going to keep talking to him about what he needs to do in order to feel comfortable moving back in with us (I can't really say "home" since he has never lived in this house).

[glamgirl]

Wow Upside we will have to see what happens with your h. I don't really think the ultimatums work, but it depends on what you want. Your h is making progress, but baby steps.

It's interesting I said the same thing to my h awhile back and said what's it going to take and his response was I don't know. Hmmmmm confirms they all must think alike.

[SirPrizeMe]

If he doesn't know what it would take, that seems a sign that he is not thinking about it at all. His eyes are focused elsewhere. He is not looking at the house with you as a potential direction, and wondering "how do I get there?" or "what obstacles would I have to get around in order to get there?"

Instead he is looking elsewhere, or maybe nowhere at all.

Inviting him back, asking him "what's it going to take?" is pressure.

As GG says, you have to decide what you want.

[Upside]

Hi glam and Sir-
THE D IS DISMISSED!!! I met my H for lunch yesterday and he told me that he didn't appear at court yesterday so the D was dismissed. I confirmed it online this morning.

I agree that ultimatums and pressure don't usually work but sometimes it is necessary to try different things. Six months ago I told my H that he could either go to C with me or we needed to through with the D. He agreed to go to the C and it seems to be helping. So IMO sometimes a small amount pressure at the right time can help things along. As far as the comment about him moving back, I believe I did it in a very non-pressuring way and he does need to start thinking about it. We had C last night and the C even told him somethings he would like to see before he moves back in with me. I told my H and the C that I can't make it our usual Monday appointment (my D has a game). My H said he would go on his own.

After C, my H came back to the house and I made dinner. We watched a some TV and cuddled a little. We made plans for Thursday and Saturday. We talked a little about taking a trip together sometime in the future.

It was a good day yesterday. I am feeling like there is progress. I hope it continues.

[still hoping]

That's great news Upside! What a relief that must be to know the D is finally dismissed. Your H seems to be moving along slowly but surely. I'm really happy for you.

[peacetoday]

U
also glad to hear of this progress
you are doing all the right things for your situation and it is working
remember take care of U
peace