We're never getting back together-How do you cope?

[onedge]

Hi MsM
thank you, I'm still pretty sure that I did alright for myself around there, aside from the lack of communication with W. You are right about the GAL and happiness. I'll admit that so far my GALing has gone either way but hopefully that will change today. After last night i think i can do this and do this well, no more worrying about what will happen next week, or next month, focus on making now better and when it comes to then, it should be great

I saw a good motivational poster on a board at work, all it was, was a kitten hanging form a branch with the slogan "hang in there baby", I think that kinda works, just as an off topic thing.

[MsMelancoly]

I'm a rescuer, always have been & still do it to some extent. But a valuable lesson I learned,a log time ago, is you cannot help someone if they do not want to help themselves. For me it has become a rule I live by. Good or bad .... it is my way ...

[onedge]

You're right about that as well, I need to stop trying to look after W coz' i already know she wont let me, i need to wait untill she asks me too, and just show her that i still care without pushing. I'm learning slowly, but it doesn't look as bleak now. Thanks again MsM

[native]

I like your new-found confidence onedge. I'm sure she notices, but keep doing it for yourself. Hope things continue for the better for you.

[onedge]

So do I NC, I really hope so as well, I still have to only focus on me coz' i can't say whether anything will change with W or if it really is over. As long as I keep getting better, I will be happier.

[onedge]

My DBing relationship equation

asking wife if she needs money = 3 steps back
talking to W when BIL is around = 3 steps back
talking to W when EA is around = side step, maybe back
just have to figure our what gives me a positive number instead of a negative

[onedge]

Fathers day night, W is still sad. still have no idea why, was going to send her an email saying that i hope she feels better. I have thought against it though, I never really get any reaction for it when i do. Instead i thought I'd just come on here. This place has become a release for me now. When I'm upset, or when I'm worried about W I come on here and see whats going on and post. I'm not always looking for feedback but it helps.
With W's depression, she has thought about ending it all before we separated, and didn't tell me how it was, she thinks i didn't care. You can see why I tend to over react whenever she is sad, I have always got a bad feeling that I'm not just overreacting. It's little comfort for me that she is still sad now, I don't know why she is sad, if there is a reason, or if it is just the depression telling her not to be happy.
This would be one of those times when i'm not really looking for feedback, it's always welcomed, but not required. Thank you all for the support so far on this wild ride to retrieving my W from the aliens that have abducted her

Also, NCN how did the date go the other night? kinda didn't hear anything about it in your last post

[native]

The date went as well as could be expected really. I told her I would like to take her out and had made reservations to our fav. restaurant. Made arrangements for our D to have overnight with gpnts. It took her at least an hour from the time I picked her up for her to begin to unwind from a 48hr in 4 day work week.

I think she had let things slide at work during the summer ( she works at a college) that she should have been doing all along while she dreamed about being seperated and spent time with all her single friends. (Ok, I'm still a little pissed about how she avoided me all summer, after the bomb).

She had a glass of champagne, I had wine. After dinner we went to our house so she could visit with her cat ( her mom won't allow cat at her house) and we talked about our relationship a bit while we baked some chocolate chip cookies. I was kind of blabbing about how I was learning a lot of great stuff from Ellen Kriedman's tapes, like what women want and she said ' Like chocolate cookies ?" It was actually funny....and a little out of character; nice to see her make a joke.

She started off about how she wanted more than anything to have a place of her own, to not always be in a financial crisis and continued to paint a picture of how happy she would be if she were in control of her life. Said she wasn't looking for another relationship.

While she was saying all this I was controlling myself because I was really hoping she had turned the corner and wasn't going hell-bent down the seperation/divorce road.

Then her tone changed as she said that an alternative could be if I got a job that compensated for both of our incomes that she could quit her job (and get away from her boss whom she dislikes), and work on her master's degree, take care of the house.

Her conclusion was that she could not bear the stress at work and then to come home to stress here. I have tried to get her to clarify what she means by stress at home, but it has been a moving target; it is never one thing, always something that needs to change before she will be happy.

Each thing she notes as a source of stress at home is legit., but not easily resolved. Most things take money, some take effort and time. A lot more could have been achieved if we had been able to come up with an agreable plan and BOTH of us pitched in.

Anyway, took her back to her Mom's and she was tired and wanted to go to bed. I hesitated on the porch and she relentingly gave me an awkward hug. That was Sat. night.

I spent 5 hrs. the next day until 8:00 pm.(Sat) working on her Mom's garden, to help pay off her $800 car repair bill her M put on a credit card. This left W in charge of D., which seemed to go ok. I said I would be taking D to church in morning, 9 am early service. Invited her to come. W. said she wanted to sleep in, and really wasn't ready yet.

Next morning woke up and worked on estimate (for my restoration company) and decided to go to 11:00am service so I wouldn't wake up W and D, to let them sleep.

Got a call at 9:00. W says 'D. is tossing about, she's about to wake up.'
My response is: " Ok......", kinda waiting for more info, not sure why she called to tell me that.

I said I would be there in 1 hr. to get her ready for 11:00 service. W was ok.

Anyway, everything was great this weekend until after church.
I was planning to work a few more hrs in garden, then one of us would take D to a friends house to play, and we were going to go to her office so I could help her get it organized, which we had decided to do sometime before.

W announces she was going to visit friend, then do a few other things. I was kind of stunned. She then tells me that she assumed I was not planning to help her @ office and had made other plans. ( still don't know why she assumed that).

Anyway, the long and short of it is she accuses me of moving too fast, of feeling smothered. She reiterated how she wants to move into own apt., was I going to be able to pay mortgage on house..etc etc.

Yes, perhaps I was feeling too comfortable since we started the weekend off well, but the fact I was there for 5 hrs. Sat. was to help her pay off her debt (I had offered, she had accepted). Now she says it is her debt to pay off. I was going to help her at the office because she wanted me to. She changed her mind about that.

Apparantly I am toxic in large quantities.

So I didn't have D call tonight to say goodnight. W did not call to say goodnight to D.

I'm just going to lay low as I decide if my wounded pride can bear being rebuffed so unjustly.

Honestly, I don't know if I have the patience for this......

She takes longer than most people I know to work things out, is more sensitive (which can be a great quality when it is focused on being empathetic), and is apparantly as stubborn as any person I've ever known once she makes a decision.

I had to talk for a while to my D'd buddy just to get over my anger. We hung out at local bookstore. After we mulled it over, I went to relationship section and found a book that looks promising: 'I love you, but i'm not IN LOVE with you: 7 steps to Saving your Relationship' by Andrew G. Marshall. This is one of the annoying things she actually said to me some time ago.

Book looked promising and bought it. So, I'm going to log off and read a while. I'll keep you posted if I learn anything from it.



Left @ 10:00 pm. and D stayed with W.

[onedge]

You know NCN, the more i hear about your W, the more I can identify with how you feel, and how she acts.

"She takes longer than most people I know to work things out, is more sensitive (which can be a great quality when it is focused on being empathetic), and is apparantly as stubborn as any person I've ever known once she makes a decision."

I would swear we are married to the same person I think that when there is a point when my W would consider trying again, her stubborn-ness would stop her from telling me, also, it would probably (but hopefully not) stop her from considering if I do.

One step forward and 2 steps back, that seems to be the way it works. Remember what you want and why you want it. Remember that the aliens aren't used to the way you are acting, you don't want to scare them away, no matter how comfy it gets.

"I had to talk for a while to my D'd buddy just to get over my anger. We hung out at local bookstore. After we mulled it over, I went to relationship section and found a book that looks promising: 'I love you, but i'm not IN LOVE with you: 7 steps to Saving your Relationship' by Andrew G. Marshall. This is one of the annoying things she actually said to me some time ago."

Those words seem to just burn inside, i know how you feel. Even if it is true that, and that is exactly how she feels with no confusion, she fell in love with you once, she can do it again, but it will have to be natural for her, not forced and not rushed. Did you rush when you started out? probably not i'm guessing.

I think that for all of us it is a matter of our other halfs having to learn to love us again.

Don't quit now, you seem to be doing really well to get a date even, I'd kill for a date with my W at the moment, i'd even settle for a nice talk with joking and stuff, or even for her to vent to me about how upset, or angry she is for whatever reason.

Let me know how the book is. I'm going to peruse the local bookshop tomorrow morning before work to see if there is anything I can find for depression with relationships and relationships in general. That is something that I should probably do.

[onedge]

Quick update before I leave for work, W just asked me to call her in a text, I called, she asked me for money. I am going to give her some, as she has a lot to pay, and no money for it. I'm going to tell her not to make it bigger than it is, either she can look at it as a friend giving some money, or as a father looking after his family. I'll tell her that she can pay it back if she wants, but it isn't needed.