late night rambling a bit. Haven't done this in awhile.
Suddenly feel low. lonely, I guess. I don't know what I want anymore, or who I am.
Part of me wants to be pissed so I can get over this faster. But the D still isn't final! How can things keep dragging on like this!
And still I think of our last interaction. The way she hugged me, held my hand. Why do that? How is this going to end?
I already know the answer to that. The D will be final. In a year or so I'll be dating, will have 3 or 4 short-term Rs that don't work, but will find someone. Meanwhile, W will have reverted to her old patterns and be unable to make a R work for more than 6 months. Eventually she'll find someone, but she'll have a lot of regret. She already does.
Anyway, this is all in my mind. She's off with OM. Her muse. blech.
You still love your wife. Part of you wants her back but the other part of you knows that she is gone. I think when she comes back, you would want her to come back with some resolve and some strength of character. She isn't there now and may never be. Your mind may have all the answers but your heart won't listen. I am so sorry that you have to go through this crap. You don't deserve it.
I am going back to bed tinman. You've had a heart all along.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
lodo, I dont think we can go through this without having some really low moments even if we think we have finally grasped it is over. It is part of the process. No use denying that part of us, deep inside, will always wonder how things could have turned out.
Life is full of surprises. We all here had a nusty one. Let's start thinking about the nice ones we will get down the way.
What do you feel like drinking? I am buying today. K
A lot of my issues come from work. Trying to do school on top of a full-time job has just gotten to be too much. I'm not doing any of it very well. Throw in major personality problems currently disrupting my whole office and ... well, I guess I just feel overwhelmed and unsure what I want to do anymore. Hard for me to see where my future lies. Why do I feel guilty when I spend a day off not working?!
Regarding W, I freely admit the problems I created and I hope I can solve those in future Rs. I didn't make my W feel special, sex became an afterthought, I took her for granted, I didn't take the initiative to plan outings - trips abroad or an evening out. I was consumed by schoolwork and depression. That said, I'd always thought that committing to someone means telling them if you're unhappy and what you want/expect. Since W didn't do that, I now am gun-shy about anyone ever doing that.
I don't blame myself - an A is not the way to solve problems in a M. My W should have told me what she wanted. She should have accepted me for who I am and been willing to help when I sunk into depression. Those are her issues to deal with, and on a run today, I realized once again those red flags I ignored from day one. When I met her she was sleeping with a coworker who was in another relationship. She went after me before she broke it off with him. She went after a fellow student 3 weeks after pledging honesty and monogamy during our long-distance relationship. And last summer, the A with another coworker. I have to admit that there were probably others. A cycle. Her cycle, that only she can address, and if she does, maybe she'll learn how to ask for what she wants and how to accept another without simply running away to someone else when things get rough.
There was a book review in the NYT about "I Don't: A Contrarian History of Marriage" in which the author brings up the shaky basis for marriage as a social institution. "Modern matrimony is less a sacred vessel than a crazy quilt." Since I do believe in M, what struck me about all of this was the simple reality of maintaining a long-term intimate companionship. I don't mean to cast this as "friends with benefits," but that is essentially what it boils down to, albeit with more of a commitment than the phrase suggests. That said, the alternative would end up with the same result - a series of friends with benefits. Or romantic lovers that stick around until the love fades.
I guess I'm firmly in the camp that wants to make a M work for long-term companionship. I know romantic love fades. I know the problems of living with another. But I also know the problems of being alone. Does that mean I'm not a whole person? That I want to share my life with someone?
Just rambling. again. And Kalni, I'm sticking with water right now, but I had a nice petite syrah last night. Perhaps a little later, another glass would be just right
Since I do believe in M, what struck me about all of this was the simple reality of maintaining a long-term intimate companionship. I don't mean to cast this as "friends with benefits," but that is essentially what it boils down to, albeit with more of a commitment than the phrase suggests. That said, the alternative would end up with the same result - a series of friends with benefits. Or romantic lovers that stick around until the love fades.
I guess I'm firmly in the camp that wants to make a M work for long-term companionship. I know romantic love fades. I know the problems of living with another. But I also know the problems of being alone. Does that mean I'm not a whole person? That I want to share my life with someone?
lodo
I hope not, because if so then I'm a partial person too; I hope to share my life with someone. Maybe there are 2 different kinds of people: people like our WAS that have problems with committment and see marriage as a negative; and those like me, you, G, and Kat and others (everyone here?) that sees marriage as a good thing; one you stick with in good times and bad? Just because your W and my H left when things weren't good instead of working on them; doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of us that wouldn't leave a marriage. Plus, I love marriage! I think it's wonderful. I like just the simple things of holding hands and kissing and just being there you know? And my H wasn't even that nice!!! I think it would really be great if you had a faithful, committed partner also. (Of course, maybe I shouldn't announce this to guys on the first date, huh?) Karen
Lodo, I enjoy reading your "rambling thoughts" - very enlightening. I think when you start dating again, it would be a plus to meet someone with the same ideas you have regarding marriage. Maybe they have even experienced the same pain you have.
lol - I think I should distribute a questionnaire to all potential applicants. Maybe we could all benefit from this. What questions should we include? It'd be multiple choice, of course.
1) How do you feel about physical and/or emotional affairs? a. They're da bomb! b. Affairs? Do you mean current affairs, like on the news? c. Please, that brings up too much past pain ... d. Dr. Shirley Glass is my hero.
