I am not sure how I feel about this. First, I am still disappointed that he didn't think to call me for 5 days. Second, he apparently already had his secretary book his trip (solo) to see his D. Third, he wants alone time with his D so if I went up, would I be infringing on his time with her. Forth, I don't know what his D thinks of us working on reconciling (if that is what we are doing) and I am not sure how comfortable I will be with the whole situation. Fifth, I am not sure he really wants me to go...he just knows he has already screwed up and he is looking for a way out.
Up - aren't you essentially answering your own question? And if you are disappointed (or miffed?), is that really how you want to be when you go away with him? Are you in the best frame of mind to be with him this weekend? Would it be better to let him miss you a little?
Good points from millicent, but try not to read into his motivations. Maybe he does want you to go, he didn't have to ask you, you know!
Could you tell him that you don't want to infringe on his time with his d, but you'd like to plan a date for next week? Also, it might be a good idea to let him know that it's important to you that you hear from him at least once while he's gone. Remember that part of DBing is asking for what you want.
Upside I do believe things will progress for you. Should I mention how long between calls before my h would even think about calling us? That doesn't matter because now he is calling frequently.
If I were you, stop asking why he didn't call or what you are planning for the weekend. Your h needs to say Upside lets go to a movie or call you etc.
I know this is most difficult, but let him chase you or invite you. Wouldn't that feel better?
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Up - aren't you essentially answering your own question? And if you are disappointed (or miffed?), is that really how you want to be when you go away with him? Are you in the best frame of mind to be with him this weekend? Would it be better to let him miss you a little?
Trust me, I have thought about that. We have not spent 24 consecutive hours together in over a year and a half. I am not sure I am ready to do this on a weekend where his D is involved...BUT this may be my only opportunity to go away for a weekend with him for quite some time. Between my kid's schedule and my H's upcoming trial schedule, we may not get to see much of each other.
Hey na-
Originally Posted By: new_attitude
Remember that part of DBing is asking for what you want.
I have to remember this...it is something I don't typically do. Pre-bomb, I used to tell him all of the time all of the things I didn't want or didn't like. That is such a negative way of handling things. I need to give more positive reinforcement and let him know what I do want and what I do like. Thanks for the reminder.
Hello glam-
Originally Posted By: glamgirl
I know this is most difficult, but let him chase you or invite you. Wouldn't that feel better?
I am not chasing him but wrong or right, I did let him know that I didn't find 5 days of not talking working on our M. I tried not to blame him, I just let him know (without using the words) that my feelings were hurt. I admit I am not a perfect DBer...in fact, I am amazed I have done as well as I have.
When you see positives, it is so difficult when they digress. I can see that is what my H is doing right now...He did come over yesterday and all was well then...he kept telling me how pretty he thought I looked, he referred to himself as my husband in front of our friends, gave me kisses before he left and told me how he wanted to see me this week. He told me he would call me today to talk about this weekend, but I heard nothing from him.
When you see those positives, it is hard not to expect them to keep coming. Because of all of the times I have gotten my hopes up a little only to have them get squashed, I have to wonder if I will become so numb that I won't ever be able to feel much of anything ever again.
Thanks for all of you thoughts. I appreciate you all so much.
You really sound frustrated. I can't blame you, I'm frustrated for you!
I think these mlc-ers just can't deal with our feelings at all, so letting them know about our feelings is probably going to backfire. They are having such a difficult time dealing with their own feelings.
I hope there comes a time in reconciliation when we do get to release our feelings in front of our spouse. I guess your H is just not ready for that yet. Or maybe sometimes he can handle that, but other times he can't.
A question for those that have R'd...when is that?
I'm asking for upside since my H is no where close to even cycling.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
Hi NG- I hope you and your kids are doing as well as can be. I hear what you are saying about MLCers not being able to deal with feelings...I sometimes forget because my H does acts fairly normal most of the time...sometimes I wonder if I am just making excuses for his behavior.
Originally Posted By: Nature Girl
I hope there comes a time in reconciliation when we do get to release our feelings in front of our spouse. I guess your H is just not ready for that yet. Or maybe sometimes he can handle that, but other times he can't.
A question for those that have R'd...when is that?
Thanks for asking the question. I am definitely curious.
Yesterday was kind of interesting. My H sent me an email asking if I wanted to meet him for lunch. During lunch, my H asked me if I thought he was an angry person (there is a long story as to how the conversation started). Anyway, I told my H that I thought he could have some issues with anger and that I thought that he could be angry because his D grew up and went away to college. He thought about it and seemed to think there might be some validity to what I was saying. My H then suggested that since we had a C appointment scheduled for last night, that he should go and talk to the C individually. I told him that was fine...even though there was so much that I wanted to discuss with the C...oh well, next week. I am glad that my H finally went and talked to the C on his own...I hope he continues.
My H and I talked about me going with him this weekend. He said he thought I might feel awkward and how his D would stay with him but if I went, then she wouldn't. I knew he didn't really want me to go...so I told him to go and have fun.
Just a quick update if anyone is out there reading my thread. My H and I went to lunch today. During his lunch he was talking about all of us (him, me and all 3 kids) taking a trip together before Thanksgiving if his schedule will permit. Interesting.
So, he left to go to visit his D for the weekend and I am alone...oh well, I am used to it.
He said he will call me over the weekend and then we have C Monday before he leave for a business trip on Tuesday. At this rate, I am not sure when we will ever have time to work things out.
