We're never getting back together-How do you cope?

[onedge]

I think that going dark on W is the best option now. I'm able to control what i say a bit, but it isn't good when we talk at the moment. I need to tell her off aswell.
She used me as an excuse to have S's birthday party tonight, Her "emotional affair" guy is busy on saturday so she wanted it on friday so he could come, a whole lot of other stuff happened, and somehow I got thrown in there aswell.
I'm not going to do it face to face, I will need to do it on chat because any face to face contact that we have at the moment that has to do with us is bad, even over the phone.
Basicly I'm probably going to say,
"don't use me as an excuse again, I would have let you before, but I am not going to let you do it again. You can't just think that because I still want to be with you, I will do whatever you want. It's not going to happen anymore"

I think thats about the jist of it. Any ideas on the wording? and is it something that I should say in person, no matter how hard it is?

Also, the party is tonight, I'm going to do the best I can, but be prepared for a sad and sorry couple of posts later though. Wish me luck

[native]

"don't use me as an excuse again, I would have let you before, but I am not going to let you do it again. You can't just think that because I still want to be with you, I will do whatever you want. It's not going to happen anymore"

I think thats about the jist of it. Any ideas on the wording? and is it something that I should say in person, no matter how hard it is?"

I don't know. On the surface, your response sounds like you are feeling hurt. How do you think she will respond to that ? I know you are drawing a line in the sand, but I think she will feel tempted to cross it just to defy you.

I would personally try to avoid ultimatums. In any case, what can you possibly do about it if she does it again ? You can't really stop her can you ?

It might be a bit more effective to share with her how her actions feel to you, that is, if she still cares about your feelings right now.

"I need to tell her off aswell."

Again, do you think this will get you closer to your ultimate stated goal, reconcilliation ?

Sounds like you are hurt and angry, which is normal in this situation, but be careful what you do with those feelings...you might make things worse.

Try to absorb it. You don't have to like her behavior, but you need to control your responses if you don't want to push her further away.

My W had a series of best friends that took a lot of her time away from me and our D, who also were confidants to her marital unhappiness. I was only vaguely aware that 'something' was wrong, just a sense, but nothing overt. She was likely spilling her guts about how miserable she was to these girlfriends, and they were commiserating, which may be what the EA guy does for her. I sensed a betrayal in terms of her choice to spend all her time with these friends and away from me and D.

Now that the seperation has occured, several of these friends have dropped by the wayside.

But I bet the moment you talk bad about any of the friends she is presently choosing, she will only be defensive about it.

Sounds like a lot has happened between you two lately. I'm sorry that things are not easy right now.

Detaching/going dark may be good for now. I think you need to step back for a moment and realize that for now, your W has been abducted by aliens and the person you are speaking to is from another planet.

The only chance of seeing your W again is to not piss off the aliens.

Of course, I could be all wrong. If this confrontational behaviour is a 180 for you, it might work.

So, has this approach worked for you in the past ?

I'm gonna send up a prayer for you after I sign off.

[MsMelancoly]

I have to agree with ncnative. I probably wouldn't piss her off. Save your venting for here - cuz we all understand. Actions speak louder than words - even if it doesn't always seem that way. And as Coach says Action not Reaction! (I'll have to ask him if that really his own saying). Next time she plans something around you - could you just politely decline?? (I know your S b'day is not an option). Stay cool - don't jump the gun!

[onedge]

"Detaching/going dark may be good for now. I think you need to step back for a moment and realize that for now, your W has been abducted by aliens and the person you are speaking to is from another planet.

The only chance of seeing your W again is to not piss off the aliens."

LOL!!!!! That's brilliant I love that.

The confrontation is a semi 180, i'm still not too sure if i should do it or not, she said that I didn't talk to her about how I felt, and that I should have.
Also that I need to regardless of if it sounds mean or not. so maybe i should, but i'll try and tone it down a bit.
She told me that she used me as an excuse. The only reason she told me that is because I said I might not be coming. But if I tell her not to do it again, then maybe she wont. I'm not trying to hurt her, but I'm not going to let her use me for things and hope i don't find out. To be honest, it hurt more than a lot of other things that have happened.
I think i'm starting to learn, coz' I have sat on this for a couple of days.

If I still feel like I need to say something after the weekend, then I will, but i'll leave it for now.

You really are an inspration sometimes, I'm looking for more books and thing, just need the money to buy them and then it will all be good (not really, but better hopefully )

Give me an update on your full situation sometime, if you can. It's helping me lots to say my things, and the things that have happened with you give some good perspective, and to be honest, I'd like to help you for a change

[onedge]

1 hour to go, i'm shaking, i'm so not ready for this. Happy thoughts, good night thats what i need to focus on.
I'll post when the kids are in bed

[onedge]

No fights, no tears (from me at least) W was sad all night, don't know if that was because of me or not. I didn't really speak much to anybody. I had an ok time and S had fun aswell, D10 was sad for most of the night, she has been sad for a while now, I think W blames me partly for her being sad, I'm not convinced. I know I'm not dad of the year or anything but she has been sad for a long time, even before the Marriage.

Back to the party, I tried to look as happy as possible, W barely spoke to me, I complimented her on the cake, don't know if she didn't hear me or didn't care, but she just walked off.
Oh well, if she wants to be sad then she can. I know this is going to sound bad, but it was almost a good feeling that W was sad even when EA had been at her house for most of the day (she told me once that he just made her happy, like she didn't have depression). I'm not saying that i want her to be sad, but i did say that the relationship that they had wasn't healthy (her psychologist said that as well).

I'm tired and the battle is over now, a whole lot of build up for nothing. I think W wanted me out, not that i did anything wrong but BIL was an immature idiot as always. didn't speak to me, didn't even enter the room. He was doing stupid things and upset W more and more. oh well, such is life at the moment.

I'm getting back on track with my DBing from now and I'll GAL aswell, also, i'm going to try and have the kids individually after work some nights for different activities. should be good if i can get it organized.

I'm wrecked now and it's time for me to go to sleep, night all

[native]

Hey, glad it went so well for you. Sounds like you handled yourself great. Perhaps W is beginning to realize her sadness is not your fault, since you haven't been around her much.

I'm concerned about your D though. She needs help. If you are with her it might help if you lovingly but persistently tried to get her to talk about her sad feelings. She needs someone to empathise and give her a hug. She needs to know she is not alone with her sadness. She needs someone to understand how she feels. You don't have to fix it, just let her know you understand and you sometimes feel the same way. W doesn't sound like she is in a place to be there for her. You need to do it.

Overall, sounds like W and BIL can make themselves miserable with no one elses help.

Is there anything that you need to apologise to him for ? Is he just immature or have you guys exchanged words ?

Anyway, glad that's over. Keep on reading everything you can on this site and keep posting.

Guess what? tonight W and I are going out to eat. I plan to hug her for 15 seconds ( if she lets me), compliment her at least once, and ask her about her week. Then I will listen for all I'm worth and share my week. Thats what I'm planning at least.

[onedge]

sounds like things are getting better for you as well, goot luck tonight.
BIL is pissed off about the email that I sent W, they all basically took it as an insult to the whole family. I was going off what D10 said, but i should have handled it differently.
BIL is immature either way, just more-so when he's angry.
Everyone tries to empathize with D10 but i'm not sure how much it helps, she gets picked on at school, and everyone just gets sick of it. not being mean but she is a "drama queen" most of the time, she takes everything literally and seriously which can make it hard to joke around with her.
I have been trying to make her feel better, but there is only so much i can do at the moment in the times that i am with the kids.
As her father contacted her last week things seem to be getting messier, DBing will be hard, as W is upset that her first serious partner, who just pretty much up and left is now happily married. It is going to be hard to tell whether her emotional reactions are anything to do with me, or her family, or EA, or D10s father. Complicated mess, I'm still optomistic, but throw me a bone. W has told me that she wont try, and that "a leapard cant change his spots", well, I will, I just need to get pack on track with everything else first, or at the same time

Again, good luck tonight, you are doing really well

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Onedge, I was wondering how it went. Sounds like you did great - bravo!! Work on GAL and find your happiness within yourself.

[native]

Onedge:

'not being mean but she is a "drama queen" most of the time, she takes everything literally and seriously which can make it hard to joke around with her'

Considering all the upheaval she has been through I doubt she's in the mood for joking. I know my wife lived through 2 divorces and a few of her mom's other LTRs and I think it really wounded her.

"a leapard cant change his spots"

Was she referring to you or herself ?

Anyway, W and I went out to eat tonight. I initiated a hug when I picked her up, but she was not completely comfortable, so it was short.

She's been working hard and I just asked her about her week and let her get it all out.

Had a nice dinner, some champagne and wine. Gave her a nice card at restaurant (sp?) which she liked; she smiled. It was about the world being a better place for her being in it. Not specif. romantic card, but nice.

We went back to our house so she could visit her cat. D is with Grandparents tonight.

We talked. She basically said she longed for a place of her own where she would not have so much chaos. Mentioned finances being a big difficulty, as we are living paycheck to paycheck. Eventually indicated that she could see us working things out, but I think it would have a lot to do with me changing careers and making about 2x the $$$. Which is what I have been working on for the last few months. Then she could not stress out about the finances, and maybe quit working the job with a boss she doesn't like.

Took her home, and showered her with several small gifts, very nice body lotions, body washes, hand soaps, etc, her favorite brands. She really loved it.

Which brings me to a question. Do you know your W's love language ? There is a book called " The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman.

Basically the idea is that each person understands love primarily in one of 5 different ways. Rarely do couples share the same language, so they don't communicate love in a way that their mate can understand it.

The five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch.

My wife's love languages are receiving gifts and physical touch.

Right now physical touch is difficult, but small gifts are ok. In fact, the gifts I gave her tonight seemed to really make her happy. To her, gifts mean that I have thought about her and that makes her feel loved.

You should be able to pick up a used copy on Amazon or maybe a local used bookstore.

Getting late,,,hang in there.

BTW, your general attitude seems to be a lot better than when you started this thread.