__________________________________________ COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS (adapted)
* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.
* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.
* He has low self-esteem.
* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.
* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.
* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.
Physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm.
Basic forms include:
striking punching pushing, pulling slapping Whipping striking with an object Locking in or out of a room or place/False imprisonment pinching kicking having someone fall kneeing strangling head butting drowning sleep deprivation exposure to cold, freezing exposure to heat or radiation, burning exposure to electric shock placing in "stress positions" (tied or otherwise forced) cutting or otherwise exposing somebody to something sharp exposure to a dangerous animal throwing or shooting a projectile exposure to a toxic substance infecting with a disease withholding food or medication spanking is subject to controversy as to whether it qualifies as physical abuse. assault bodily harm humiliation torture Blinding a person/causing vision impairments e.g. throwing acid into eyes/face, having eyes gouged out. negligence Biting humiliation
Sometimes problems come up when kids visit one parent and then go home to the other. For example, one parent might ask a lot of questions about stuff the other parent is doing. Sometimes a parent wants the kid to be a messenger between homes. Kids usually feel uncomfortable when this sort of thing happens. They wish that parents would just ask each other what they want to know.
Kids don't want to feel like they are in the middle. If something like this happens to you, talk to your parents and tell them how it makes you feel.
Childhood Stress As providers and caretakers, adults tend to view the world of children as happy and carefree. After all, kids don't have jobs to keep or bills to pay, so what could they possibly have to worry about?
Plenty! Even very young children have worries and feel stress to some degree. Stress is a function of the demands placed on us and our ability to meet them.
Sources of Stress Pressures often come from outside sources (such as family, friends, or school), but they can also come from within. The pressure we place on ourselves can be most significant because there is often a discrepancy between what we think we ought to be doing and what we are actually doing in our lives.
Stress can affect anyone — even kids — who feels overwhelmed. Toddlers, for example, may be anxious if the person they most need to feel safe — a parent — isn't around enough. In preschoolers, separation from parents is the greatest cause of anxiety.
As kids get older, academic and social pressures (especially the quest to fit in) create stress. In addition, well-meaning parents sometimes unwittingly add to their kids' stress. High-achieving parents might have great expectations for their kids, who may lack their parents' motivation or capabilities. Parents who push their kids to excel in sports or who enroll them in too many activities can cause stress and frustration if their kids don't share their goals.
Many kids are too busy to have time to play creatively or relax after school. Kids who complain about the number of activities they're involved in or refuse to go to them may be signaling that they're overscheduled.
Talk with your kids about how they feel about extracurricular activities. If they complain, discuss the pros and cons of quitting one activity. If quitting isn't an option, explore ways to help manage your child's time and responsibilities so that they don't create so much anxiety.
Kids' stress may be intensified by more than just what's happening in their own lives. Do your kids hear you talking about troubles at work, worrying about a relative's illness, or fighting with your spouse about financial matters? Parents should watch how they discuss such issues when their kids are near because children will pick up on their parents' anxieties and start to worry themselves.
World news can cause stress. Kids who see disturbing images on TV or hear talk of natural disasters, war, and terrorism may worry about their own safety and that of the people they love. Talk to your kids about what they see and hear, and monitor what they watch on TV so that you can help them understand what's going on.
Also, be aware of complicating factors, such as an illness, death of a loved one, or a divorce. When these are added to the everyday pressures kids face, the stress is magnified. Even the most amicable divorce can be a difficult experience for kids because their basic security system — their family — is undergoing a tough change. Separated or divorced parents should never put kids in a position of having to choose sides or expose them to negative comments about the other spouse.
Symptoms of Stress While it's not always easy to recognize when kids are stressed out, short-term behavioral changes — such as mood swings, acting out, changes in sleep patterns, or bedwetting — can be indications. Some kids experience physical effects, including stomachaches and headaches. Others have trouble concentrating or completing schoolwork. Still others become withdrawn or spend a lot of time alone.
Younger children may show signs of reacting to stress by picking up new habits like thumb sucking, hair twirling, or nose picking; older kids may begin to lie, bully, or defy authority. A child who is stressed may also have nightmares, difficulty leaving you, overreactions to minor problems, and drastic changes in academic performance.
Reducing Stress How can you help kids cope with stress? Proper rest and good nutrition can boost coping skills, as can good parenting. Make time for your kids each day. Whether they need to talk or just be in the same room with you, make yourself available.
Even as kids get older, quality time is important. It's really hard for some people to come home after work, get down on the floor, and play with their kids or just talk to them about their day — especially if they've had a stressful day themselves. But expressing interest in your kids' days shows that they're important to you.
Help your child cope with stress by talking about what may be causing it. Together, you can come up with a few solutions like cutting back on after-school activities, spending more time talking with parents or teachers, developing an exercise regimen, or keeping a journal.
You can also help by anticipating potentially stressful situations and preparing kids for them. For example, let a child know ahead of time that a doctor's appointment is coming up and talk about what will happen there.
Remember that some level of stress is normal; let kids know that it's OK to feel angry, scared, lonely, or anxious and that other people share those feelings.
Helping Your Child When kids can't or won't discuss these issues, try talking about your own concerns. This shows that you're willing to tackle tough topics and are available to talk with when they're ready. If a child shows symptoms that concern you and is unwilling to talk, consult a counselor or other mental health specialist.
Books can help young kids identify with characters in stressful situations and learn how they cope. Check out Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst; Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert, Chuck DeKlyen, and Taylor Bills; and Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown and Laurene Krasny Brown.
Most parents have the skills to deal with their child's stress. The time to seek professional attention is when any change in behavior persists, when stress is causing serious anxiety, or when the behavior is causing significant problems in functioning at school or at home.
If you need help finding resources for your child, consult your doctor or the counselors and teachers at school.
Reviewed by: David V. Sheslow, PhD, and Meredith Lutz Stehl, PhD Date reviewed: June 2005 Originally reviewed by: Pamela Bushnell, LCSW
Actually, I think this has turned into a game for Phil.He needs help, which he will probably not ever find on bulletin boards.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
I so hope that Phil will indeed take time to read all that. I have said many times that my main concern was for your children. Over many years I have often had to deal with behavioural problems brought about by just such a home environment.
I also suspect Phil is a Catholic convert also that he has been involved with professionals at some point during his life probably mental health issues hence his balistic atitude to any suggestion he seeks help. I hope his wife seeks help too as she must be "damaged" by his bullying and she needs to be taught good parenting skills. I guess all we can do is pray for them all and hope that someone in real life picks up on how these children are living.
Please Phil seek help at least for your children. This is no way for them to live and learn at such a young and tender age. Children need and thrive on a regular routine. They should be in bed by 7-8pm each and every school night.They need to eat at a regular time then bath and bed with a story.No video,s or going out for ice cream etc. May God protect them.
THank you, thank you for taking the time to post all this info for Phil and others. It says so much.
My ex was an emotional and verbal abuser. I can say he did EVERY SINGLE THING on the first list. He was not a physical abuser but when we married (young), that was the only abuse I thought existed.
I have read so much about the effect of divorce on children. And you hit the nail on the head with the excerpts you posted.
