I don't know why your husband is the way he is, but from the picture you have painted of him, I see a weak man. Maybe this is not so. I see him trying to escape from the difficulties of real life. Running away not just from your problems, but your son's problems too. You are so much stronger and more grounded than he is. I'm afraid that if he did come back that he would sap you of your strength. I do not see him as a possible source of strength for you to draw from.
Sara, you hit the nail on the head. STBXH has never been a source of strength. When things got tough I had to be the one to step up and take care of it all. When I went through a sever depression 10 years ago, STBXH responded by going on a camping trip with friends, leaving me home alone to deal with "my issues". Of course when this was brought up later on he twist it to say that I really was not that sad (um, tried to commit suicide that night because you left me). Trust me, I learned to love life after that horrible experience. Never wanted to go back to that dark place again and never have. Even tonight when I talked on the phone with my S he says to me "Mom, I just cant talk to dad like I talk to you. He just isnt strong like you are." It broke my heart to hear him say that and my son is only 9. Even he can see that his dad is broken right. Heck, anyone who would leave their wife at a time like this is pretty messed up.
Since this is my STBXH weekend to spend with our S, I had to leave the house. I went out with one of my friends last night to a girls Bunko party (or should I say DRUNKO party). We laughed and had a wonderful time. Did not get to bed until 3 am. God, I am getting too old for those kind of shinanagans but it was fun anyway. Today she took me shopping and I had a PMA. I was trying on a dress (guys, tune out here because you just wont get it) and I actually had to buy a size 4!!!! I am 5'8" and now wear a size 4!!! Four years ago I was a size 22. So you can only imagine had great that felt. Now I am at a different friends house and we had some great wine and even better conversations. Through it all I have not missed my STBXH. Its funny how when you finally close the door things get easier to move on. He has now become the babysitter for me. Someone who is scheduled to come and take care of my S while I go out and have a wonderful time. And trust me, I am the happiest I have been in years. Of course getting hit on by guys seems to help with the confidence as well, but I am NO where ready to even think about dating. I know in one of my post that I asked if I should stick my toe in the water, but now see it is healthier for me to focus on me, my health and my son...anything else will just be a distraction.
Thanks again for all of the positive feedback and support. You all have been a life line to me.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Yeah Karen, you found me again! Its sad that so many of my former posting buddies are making there way over here. I had to take a break from the boards for a few months to try and get my head on straight. Hey, are you still keeping your pants on around your STBXH?
Ready, you are preaching to the chior. I know that I am not ready to date or make new "friends". I want to share a story with you: I have a friend who started to date this guy 3 months ago. His wife left him in Febuary for OM. She filed for divorce and convinced him it was over. After trying everything to get her back he finaly let go and moved on to my friend. Four weeks ago the WAW "woke up" and declared her undying love for him. Now he is confused because the failing of the M is falling on his shoulders because he does not think he wants to R. My friend is confused because now he is no longer focused on their R, but trying to decide what he wants. I do not want to be in that position or want to hurt anyone who walks into my life. The only time it is fair to move on to some one else is when the hurt in my heart is gone. That way I am free to love unconditionally again.
I wanted to share what happend today. I was not a very nice STBXW to my WAH. The sad thing is that I really dont feel that bad about it and I prob should. Today I came home at 4pm with a smile on my face. I had had a wonderful weekend and was feeling very happy. STBXH wanted to know what I did and who I was with. I simply said I had a great time and I stayed with friends. He asked what friends? I simply said friends.
I thought he would leave shortly after I got back. Guess I thought wrong. He kept staying and staying. I did not ask him to go because at least my S is getting some time with him and that is a good thing. At one point he pulled me aside to talk about my S birthday. The conversation then moved to how he found our wedding pictures torn up and in the trash. I did it to let go of my past, not out of anger. I told him that there was no reason to hold on to the pictures because that was not who I was anymore and they held no meaning at this point. He told me he still had his picutes of us. I asked him why and he said so that S could see them when he wanted to. I told him that I had already made a picture album for S with pics of us so H could throw his away. I no longer had ANY pics of us. Told him how I had let go and dont love him anymore, so didnt want any pics. He responded by saying that he still felt a special connection to me and that I would always be in his life. He did not want to give up the pics because of that.
I looked at him and said you are no longer part of my life. You are a part of our S's life and so am I but you are not in mine. Please understand that I do not see you as a friend. Friends do not treat me the way you have treated me. He was a little speechless and said that we just see things differently. Ok, here is where I lost my mind a little. That little demon voice was whispering in my ear to drive the point home and really stick it to him after everything he has done to me and my S. I actually do feel bad about it but what is done is done. At this point I looked at him and said "And just so you know, I am dating again. I have been seeing some one who is a really good friend but I was not willing to take it farther in case we could work it out. You have made it very clear that that is not a possibility so I am now persuing a R with him." I know, I claim temporary insanity for telling tis lie. I then went even farther and told him that I was going out with my "new guy" Tuesday night and that he needed to leave as soon as I got home because it would be ackward. Karma is so going to slap me for this. STBXH said that he did not want me to feel ackward so he would leave. I then went about my business at the house and started to read a book on the sun porch.
STBXH stayed until almost 6pm. He kept coming in and wanted to talk to me about some more S stuff. I was pleasant and kind but it is obvious that I am detached. He can no longer be my focus. He made his choice so now I am moving on. It was a bit of an inconvience to have him just keep lingering around the house but he eventually left. He needed to hear that I am done, and I needed to say it. So, how hard do you think karma is going to bite me for all of my negative energy and evil deeds? Guess I will find out soon enough.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Everyone says when you REALLY let go and move on, the WAS comes begging back.
I don't think the little lie is too bad. I think it is better to let their mind wander. Not telling them anything lets them think everything!
Anyway, hope you have a good time with the "new guy". Keep doing what you have been, it may wake up H. Everyone also says piecing is magnitudes tougher than going through the D.....
*hugs and prayers*
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Here is the thing Ready, I really dont think I could take him back now. When I told him that I did not love him anymore, I really meant it. He is a shadow of the man I loved. He has done so many ugly things. Yes, I have forgiven him but I dont have that feeling for him anymore.
Hey, maybe now that the little white lie is out there he will start to wonder every time he has to see me go out. I think things are going to start to get really hard for him. I have had to deal with the fact that I was thrown away. Now he is getting to feel what that is like. Plus, 2x's a week he comes over to the house to be with our S. When he comes over I am dressed to the nines and walk out with a zip in my step. Now he is going to wonder who it is that I am going out with. He told me last week that he is still having a hard time picturing me with someone else. The really mean part of me is just smiling over all the thoughts that might just pop into his mind each time he sees me all dressed up and walking out SOOOOO happy. I really dont mean to be so evil, but sometimes it helps with all of the pain they piled onto us. Truth be told, it really is not about him at this point. I dress up to feel good about me and am having a wonderful time reconnecting with my friends.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
