Just following up on my funk from a few days ago, which has persisted.
In a lot of advice for those dealing with D, they say you have to become a whole person again. At first I didn't think about it too much, after all, I am my own person, right?
But I'm beginning to think that I'm not whole. I spend my days reacting rather than creating. The past months seem like a constant daily churn, even though I've gotten to travel and see some great places. I need to find my way back to seeing each day as a new opportunity rather than something to get through; I need to see the week as ripe with possibilities rather than something to get through before the next weekend. Just not sure how to do that.
I guess a lot of it is simply learning to slough off all the negative images that W has subtly heaped on me, and that I've subsequently heaped on myself. The message has been, if you don't pursue a doctorate degree, you aren't worth anything; if you get depressed, or if your parents divorced, or if your childhood was filled with drama, there is something fundamentally flawed in you. How can I believe a message like that?
It comes down to this: what does my heart tell me to do with my life? I'm dismayed to realize that I have no idea. That's the answer I'm looking for, the thing that will allow me to become a whole person again. We all create our own realities and for too long I've let my reality be defined by someone else.
Hi there Lodo - many many thanks for your observations on my thread - might I offer mine to you...
It looks to me as if the introspection you are engaged in is of such a high quality and with such insight that you are close to the answer you seek - so long as you do not rummage around too much looking for it I feel sure it will come to you shortly. In the meantime would some more tangible short term goals be of any use to you maybe - rather than reaching for the biggies...
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
It comes down to this: what does my heart tell me to do with my life? I'm dismayed to realize that I have no idea. That's the answer I'm looking for, the thing that will allow me to become a whole person again.
You've always had a diverse set of interests and pursuits. I don't know if there is a single answer to this question in your case. No single thing that will set off that light bulb and make you say "That's it!" But as long it is YOU that is guiding you, you will be your own person, and whole. It just takes time for you to fill the space that W used to occupy. Just like it will take time for you to vacate a space in your life for someone new to fill.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
I know, I keep having to tell myself that though. It's been harder than I realized having my stbxw be as friendly as she's been, and her breaking into tears every time we are together hasn't helped either. I'm assuming that's her guilt at work.
I liked what Kerry said on his thread. I think it's time for me to build my wall and not let her penetrate it in any way.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I just read through your thread. Thanks for making me laugh! Loved the Mambo Craze video - put me back in vacation mode.
As for stbxw... I may be wrong - but it sounds to me based on stbxw's history - that she seems to need the fun/romance/excitement adrenaline of a new R. She appears to care about you - but needs her high more... And while she might be an otherwise great person - she isn't great relationship material... and there is nothing you can do to make her otherwise... Her triggers, choices, behavior is not something that is within your control. All that you can do is accept that she is who she is.
There comes a point where you have to decide what you want for you and take ownership of that decision. And then you set goals to take care of you and let stbxw take care of herself.
By taking ownership - I mean acceptance of the D and setting goals based that acceptance.
For example, if you have accepted the D (in your head - the heart takes awhile) - then it is okay to protect yourself from being drawn in by stbxw. It is okay to avoid situations where stbxw does the push/pull thing b/c that type of thing makes it harder for you to let go. It is okay when she starts her push/pull stuff - to say - I really need to go now. Those situations may do something for stbxw - but really do nothing for you.
STBXW actually doesn't do so well with Rs because she's too focused on her own ambitions/career. The OM is part of that and so she ended up sleeping with him due to conflating an interest in him with an interest in advancing her work; the high of the R was also the high of her pursuing new research. That has changed over time, although they've spent the last 3 weeks together so perhaps things have intensified once again.
We're both at a university that has a very high-pressure atmosphere, so that hasn't helped either. It was always too easy for both of us to focus on work rather than maintaining a connection with each other.
I agree with you - she isn't great relationship material. She doesn't understand that a relationship doesn't have to be in competition with ambitions/career. That said, she and I have always connected on many levels. I was her first serious relationship (red flag!), so she doesn't put much value in that. I've had several relationships, so felt that was unique and worth fighting for. To a point. I'm done fighting now.
I do accept the D mentally, but it's been hard to get through the emotional baggage, especially with STBXW's reactions when we're with each other. I'll get through it, especially once I'm really able to start putting myself out into society again. Going to join a meetup group tonight! I'm also working on setting realistic goals for how I'm going to become social again, so thanks for the support on that suggestion!
First steps - not avoiding events just because she'll be there. We meet with the D judge on tuesday, so that'll be the first test of me withdrawing my emotional energy from her. A large party on thursday, so that'll be test 2.
