Hi Lodo, I've been reading your posts since I started this. Hard to believe how much time has passed. I love reading everything you write. Anyway you sound like such a chef, I know you say it's no big deal but for a lot of people it is!
Several points I totally agree with you on, my H was the one going thru the depression and job stress and finding himself, I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him have his space. He didn't want to talk to me or any of our friends and family and I had 2 kids and a busy home to take care of ( I also work) but bottom line I made a commitment and would never have broken it. I guess the saddest thing to me is he felt (and feels) totally justified in breaking it! I didn't appreciate, etc. etc. etc.
Well I guess I just get what you're saying.
BTW where can I see you in that leopard robe ? ?
Me 46/H 48 M 19/T 20 S 16 D 9 Bomb 2/9/08 OW 2/29/08 Ended A 3/12/08 (LIAR)
I'm sorry you stumbled on my thread! It's a bit schizophrenic, between goofiness and late night rambles.
I may sound like a chef, but I'm not really. Just like to play. What I really want to be able to do is make good cookies - I have such a craving right now and my STBXW was so good at cookies! I just burn them.
Sorry your H got depressed. It's hard. It's difficult to tell what to do. We really just need to take care of ourselves because our spouses become confused and need to figure things out on their own. And maybe they won't. In which case, we REALLY need to take care of ourselves and be gentle. I thought my W would be there, primarily because we discussed it and she said "I'll be there". But that only lasted 3 months. Sounds like your sitch is very different. I'm sure he is doing backflips right now to justify himself. That will probably change, but you never know.
LOL - my leopard robe was actually "giraffe print." It was the best I could find at the last minute and came nowhere even close to what others had! Anyway, it's on FB. I'm hard to find, but others aren't. Search for some names.
Well playing, enjoying and CREATING something yummy is a recipe for success!
Don't be sorry for his depression, or me! I really love this BB, and you are amazing. So are all of the people I try to keep up on. . (I don't have the time to do more). I do feel the pull to post and view more. It really keeps me alive.
I haven't tried the FB thing yet. Guess I better check it out.
Me 46/H 48 M 19/T 20 S 16 D 9 Bomb 2/9/08 OW 2/29/08 Ended A 3/12/08 (LIAR)
Looks like I'm sliding into my late night ramble. Okay, I'll admit this happens more often on nights when the bottle of wine has been opened!
Tonight I'm thinking about a speech I heard. The speaker was talking about accomplishments. This struck me because I've been re-evaluating my entire life. Anyway, he said that society sets out this path for us that defines success - HS, College, graduate school, business or academia. We invest our time in the education early so that we can then build our networks and stake out cohorts. Then the advancement becomes a grind. But, he said, the key is to follow your heart. The most successful grad student he'd ever had was one who finished his PhD and turned his back on his subject matter. The student went to the upper Northwest and experimented with different mediums until he found one that he enjoyed working with. He is now spending his time as an artist exploring his craft and never thinking once about his education. That, said the speaker, is the most successful grad student I've ever advised. The one who really followed his heart.
Creation. What is it about creation? All it takes is the scraping of a burned stick on a cavern wall and suddenly you enter into another world. The stacking of a stone upon another. The hitting of a log with a rock in a rhythmic pattern. Moving your body. Preparing food, making sounds, play-acting. But those are the extraordinary things that most of us long to see but seldom engage in. How can such a core piece of ourselves be so off-limits?
I want to create. Right now I'm reacting. But I will create.
Just reading about your cooking is making me drool!
I read the parts about your depression/funk. And many of my friends and I that set "high standards" for themselves seem to also suffer from this at times. You were susceptable to suggestions that you needed a Ph.d, etc. - areas that deal with setting the bar higher - to be whole or successful... I think it also part of being in a high pressure profession where no matter what you do you never quite reach "good enough." I am surrounded by people that pop pills or drink to take the edge off with respect to work. Who would have thought that being okay with being "good enough" would be the gold standard in mental health?
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The one anomaly has been our relationship - 12 whole years sleeping with only 3 people!
So you have been together for 12 years and this number includes OM and another person! When did another person happen?
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End result, women actively ditch everything during stress while men expect everything to be waiting.
That is so true! Although there are also women that focus on the stressors and think they can neglect their spouses for awhile. I was cognizant of that during my M - but The X was high maintanence - it wasn't enough for him. I kept giving more and more of myself till there was nothing left for me.
So how did you know about Israel and Jordan passport issues? Have you travelled to the Middle East?
Ditto! The daily grind usually makes it really hard to follow our hearts. But maybe this is exactly why we have found this BB, to start our journey to following our hearts again and creating the life we want.
You keep rambling, I personally look forward to reading it everyday.
Hope you and everyone here have a fantastic day!
Lyn
Me 46/H 48 M 19/T 20 S 16 D 9 Bomb 2/9/08 OW 2/29/08 Ended A 3/12/08 (LIAR)
BTW, I think you have tough days still coming because you have the D ahead of you yet. Expect some mega ups and downs. But you'll get thru it because You are amazing! and you have all your good friends here that are amazing too!
Now I'm going to go plug my tear ducts because the song just came on the radio "Keeper of the Stars". H and I felt that song was wrote and sung just for us.... <sigh>
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Okay, the start of school is getting close and suddenly I feel overwhelmed! I mean, I was feeling overwhelmed before, but now I know what the word really means!
AG - I don't know if I set a high standard for myself or not. I'm not in a PhD program, but a master's. STBXW is in a PhD program.
It's interesting, though. A friend just passed through. He had quite a career where I work and he still is consulting faculty. Anyway, he wanted to hear about my work and afterwards told me I should pursue a PhD. Said he doesn't recommend that to anyone, but he thought I'd get a lot out of it and would know how to balance things out to make it work. I argued that STBXW was more the type, but he said No, she's more the kind who just burn out or who aren't cut out for things other than hiding in academia. Made me feel good.
Regarding the 3 people, when my STBXW entered her master's program 9 years ago, she promised me undying love (we'd been together 3 years). 3 weeks later she was going out with another grad student and 3 months after that she said she didn't love me anymore. Once I completely cut the rope, she flipped, dumped the OM, and we got back together. 3 years later we married. Last year she reinstated in her PhD (she'd dropped out after the master's). 3 months later came the bomb and the discovery of the OM. So, it's a cycle. Sleep with them that you work with.
Re: Israel, I was over there on an archaeological dig on the West Bank. Strange story. But we wanted to go to Petra and had all kinds of problems because of the Israel stamp in our passports at the border crossing.
WCW - YOU ARE AMAZING!!!
Meeting with D judge tomorrow. Not sure why. Here's the funny part. We had to sign a notorized document and file saying we'd both be at the appt. We did this back in June. Before W left 3 weeks ago, she asked if that time was okay with me. ?! I'm sorry, did I have a choice? This was after her mini-meltdown so I ignored the email. No contact while she was in field, though she had phone/internet. No surprise, since she was out there with OM. Anyway, she got back last night and came into my office today. "Hi." I greeted her, pleasantly but reservedly. She asked about Burning Man. I told her, then trailed off. She said she just wanted to check about the meeting and if I was okay. I told her I'd be there and left it at that. She said a meek little "okay ..." and left.
Sleeve-tugging. See? Who wants to bet me that since I was kinda blowing her off she's going to contact me again and ask about sharing a ride?
A GF divorced her H b/c he was a professional student and wanted to hide in academia as a student. She was the primary breadwinner. He really didn't show any indication of wanting to grow up and enter the real world. Was very comfortable going to school forever on her dime. Sounds like W has been waffling with school for awhile - well sounds like she lacks the ability to commit and follow through on long term stuff in general.
My last BF before The X sounds a lot like W. I dated him on and off through law school. He did the push/pull thing. For example, invited me to meet his mother. We drove to her house for the weekend - he broke up with me while I was there. He would date other people - I would move away and date other people - and he would come back. I got tired of it after 3 years and didn't even tell him where I was going when I graduated from law school. And when he knew I was done - he pulled the hardest. He really did break my heart - but I really just didn't see a future with him b/c of his behavior.
I think you are handling things perfectly. I think you are right - W will be all over the place over the next few weeks with the approaching D. Let her go. She is only appreciates what she has when she is faced with losing it. And really who wants to put up with a lifetime of that crap.
I would love to hear more about Israel and what you did there when there are less pressing issues on your mind. I am a travel junkie! And you were there on a dig - how fascinating! Are you and archeologist? You don't have to answer if you want to keep your profession off the BB.
Thanks for that AG. I've reread your 2nd & 3rd paragraph and I guess it resonates. The other thing is, our anniversary is also coming up - 3 weeks. 2 weeks before D is final. Part of me wants to write a letter, say I loved her and am sorry to lose her friendship. I know exactly what to say that will send her over the edge.
But that's manipulation. And what would I get in return? Another breakdown? Another promise followed by self-centered immature crap? She's selfish and doesn't have any empathy. That's the first thing I thought about her and that's what my friends warned me about before we married. She is an incredible woman - incredible! - but she has no empathy. It's all about her.
The problem is, we really do have an incredible connection. I say that as someone who knows. When we're in the room together, the air crackles - she feels it as strongly as I do. I realize I can't deal with her, but d*mn it's hard not to forgive everything just to feed off that energy! When we let ourselves, we can become hungry for each other's company. She's in denial right now, but her actions speak louder - the sleeve-tugging is trying to maintain the connection. She thinks we'll be friends so she can pursue her own selfish ends but still have my emotional connection. WRONG!
Israel? Lol - what an experience. No, I'm not an archaeologist. I am capable of doing extreme video production, so went over to document this dig. It was financed by a fanatic looking for the tomb of moses. He was trying to find the lost ark of the covenant. Needless to say, it was quite an experience!
I'm sorry, did I have a choice? This was after her mini-meltdown so I ignored the email. No contact while she was in field, though she had phone/internet. No surprise, since she was out there with OM. Anyway, she got back last night and came into my office today. "Hi." I greeted her, pleasantly but reservedly. She asked about Burning Man. I told her, then trailed off. She said she just wanted to check about the meeting and if I was okay. I told her I'd be there and left it at that. She said a meek little "okay ..." and left.