Sandi is here and things are getting better!

[Joe]

S2, You know we are here for you to vent and get it out.

I have to wonder if that is what my w feels as well about me, other then no love. I really dont buy that she doesnt love or feel for me anymore because why is she still here in this house. If she truly wanted to be on her own, I figure she would have left by now. So thats what I am trying to do is change my behaviour around here. Help out more. Have dinner cooked and ready to go for when she gets home. Maybe you should try what my w has done for me. Threaten him that your going to leave!! Can you bluff him? Would you want to bluff him?

I was stubborn just as he is. And I probably still am but now realize what I have for the moment lost. I didnt think I needed to get help or see a counsellor or read a book. I the male, ugh, ugh! Swing from a vine through the trees to get Jane. Its stupid. My w and I from day one after we were married combined our accounts into one. We were both responsible for everything. We each have a gas card for our cars that come from the same account. I drive just as much as she, sometimes further, but that doesnt mean I would owe 20 bucks more. No. The bill comes and it gets paid. We have always shopped together, not so much as lately but we would always call to see if we need something from the store. Gas, hydro, mortgage everything comes from the main account that BOTH our cheques get deposited into on payday. That account we set up so we CANT access it with an interac card. Every Fri we put a set amount over to another account and that amount is to last us the week. We can spend on ourselves, the girls, get groceries, clothes, beer what ever. It used to be that when that amount was gone, it was gone. This way, our main account is always protected. There is always supposed to be money in it But because of whats happening between us now, it seems to be a free for all. She is slowly maxing out another visa and it is ridiculous. Lately weve been showing a negative because we keep transfering money over to our spending account. I have to put my foot down but am honestly afraid to because of what it will lead to. Thats what I mean when I say Im not that strong yet inside as R2C or Edgie. Thats where it got me last weekend when I tried to talk about it and she threatens me with seperartion. What a wimp huh?

Your h needs a wake up call and has to step into the 21st century. Im not saying our system is perfect, but at least we are both free to spend as long as we use it wisely. Im not good with the bills either S2, but Im trying to learn. Im stepping up. I have a stack laying in front of me on our desk as I speak. Maybe its time you took on that project for yourself and stepped up to. Not that you need anymore stress in life. But I would re-arrange how you guys have your money set up and telll him tough luck. Vent it out to him like you did here. Combine your money and the both of you be in control of it. Not this is mine and that is yours. M is about sharing everything isnt it. Love, feelings, life, money, kids. This sis just the wake up call I needed because I was exactly like that knot on a log h of yours. My w was finally able to gather enough strength to step up, find her inner voice and smack me up the side of the head. I just wish that the WAW didnt come as part of it. But its what I needed. Sounds to me like its what your h needs to because he is being unfair....in my book.

Have to get the kids ready.

Take later. Keep that chin up. HUGS

Joe

[daybyday]

sorry youre feeling so bad sandi. i wish i had better advice. one thing caught my attention. being on the comp when he comes home. i know that bugs me to no end. even if she just got on it, i perceive it as her being on it all day. wrong perception on my part. could less comp. time draw him back? probably not. just a guess. i hope u feel better.

[OnTheEdge22]

Sandi - I'm glad to see you venting. You do need to get this out. You seem a lot like my wife where you've been hoping for change for such a long time, but it never seems to come. She held a lot of things in for a long time and that really hardened her heart for me. So, get it out here! That's what we're here for!!!

You said a couple things that I want to comment on.

I was different than your husband in that I always planned things for my W and I to do. Get away weekends, night out without the kids, I always got her over the top gifts. The best was a scavenger hunt that started at a spa, then to a flower shop, then to a clothing store, then to Victoria's secret and finally to a hotel in Chicago where we spent the night. Great night. My issue was that I was the one always trying at the relationship, but she never did anything like that and I came to resent that after a long time. If I didn't plan it, we didn't do anything. She always put the kids first and that pretty much killed our R. That's when I started giving up and just plopping down on the couch because we were doing anything together anymore.

So, it sounds like there are some cheeseless tunnels here. Sitting him down to talk about things doesn't seem to work. But in your note, you did get a rise out of him when the OM came along. I'm definitely not saying to start that again, but it sure seems that woke him up a bit. Maybe there is something along those lines (jealousy???) that could get him engaged. It sure woke me up when my wife told me she didn't love me and I found out about the OM. Not sure what, but let's think about that.

Now, I don't want to get you two in a fight, but is there any bill you pay that would somewhat hurt him if you didn't? What if you just told him you were going to buy some real groceries since he's not capable and that your not going to pay X bill any longer? That may be drastic, but maybe something like that would work. Another option is to remind him of those couple weeks when he did allow you to shop and how much he enjoyed those meals. One other option would be to tell him you're fed up with this situation and that he can cook all his own meals from now on if he insists on shopping. You would obviously have to buy some groceries for yourself and probably let a bill slip, but he as you over a barrel here and you definitely need to get out of this situation.

Also, one thing that got me out of my sulking moods sometimes is when my wife would call me out on it. She'd usually first ask if I was upset about something and I'd so coldly, no. Then she'd say she was going out or doing something if I was just going to sit there and sulk/pout/whatever.

This is drastic too, but you say he's not doing anything to show you that he wants you there. Have you said that to him? Or asked him if he cares if you stay or not? I'm not suggesting this, but would you be prepared to separate if he said no? Based on what you have said in your last few posts, he's not "getting it" and I think needs a 2x4 across the head to wake up (like I did last year). I'd be interested in what you think about this.

Edge

[Joe]

Amen to what Edgie said S2. I personally would use a 2x6, but my hands may be bigger!! LOL!

HUGS

Joe

[sandi2]

Ahhh, you guys, thanks for trying so hard to think of ways to help my stitch. For the part about the bills, buying groceries, etc. I have tried in the past and it never worked. The reason I had to finally get my own checking account was b/c he never posted a check and I could not handle working like that. I had to know what had been paid out and how much we still had in the account, etc. He would not work with me about "how to pay the bills" or what bills to pay, etc. It is just so hard to explain in writing how he is about stuff like that. My mother has really woken up the past few years about him and even said several times that there is no way she could live like that. But as far as threatening to leave him......I would not dare do that after the OM thing happened. Besides I am too concerned about his heat condition at the moment and don't want to do anything to be responsible for a heat attack. He never, never acted like he had a jealous bone in his body until he discovered about the OM. Then, he did not act "jealous".....he acted furious...at me! Like I have told you (I think) before, I saw a side of him I did not like and never want to see it again. Another reason I could not pretend to make him jealous is b/c I promise you that it would backfire on me and I would be the one to suffer. If I was ever going to leave him, it would have been when I was involved with OM and I chose not to, so I won't now. BTW, he never said anything about HIM making any changes.......I had just hoped that some of this stuff would wake him up, but it didn't seem to work like that at all. He did stop "watching" every move I made and stopped trying to "catch" me on the computer talking to somebody. This board is the only people I talk to.....lol. I'm not too sure he doesn't read my posts.....even now.

There was one bill that I threatened to stop paying and that was the phone bill. It got cut off and he still would not pay it. Now the internet is provided through it and so I won't let it get disconnected. The other things....well it would take too long to explain. I did tell him once that if he was going to buy the groceries that he would have to do the cooking, but it did not stop him from his pouting act. I know him well enough to know that he isn't really pouting or sulking......but it "appears" by his actions that that is what he is doing and it just makes me feel guilty or it makes me angry.

As far as him seeing me on the computer when he comes home......I get home before he does and I'm not on it everyday. But it keeps me awake until he gets home. Most of the time, I get off the computer when he comes in. I have told him that it is my way of resting my legs, and I think he knows it. If I sit down in the reclinere when I first get home, I'll fall asleep and then I can't sleep that night.

I sound like a "cry baby" or a b*tch complaining. A lot of women would probably be very happy to have a man like I have for a H. He is faithful to me and I've never worried about that. He doesn't drink, gamble, run around or anything. I think he needs a hobby or something to do that is for "fun", but he never has. Like I said before, he has always acted like he was an old man.....except when I first fell in love with him.

It's just that the older he gets, the more frustrating he gets. I would like for him to really "listen" to me when I try to talk, but he either acts like he is ignoring me or else he will cut me off before I get through a sentence. He would be angry if I did that to him.

The only time I felt like I really got him to "wake up" about not listening to me and just staring at the TV when I had something very important to talk about......like our marriage....was the time I told him that he would not even consider treating another person like that and how rude it was to treat me that way and I was going to begin to treat him in the same fashion--to let him know how it felt. His reply was, "I don't treat you like that all the time!" My answer to that was, "Well, okay then, I'll just treat you like that part of the time". I think he got the message b/c he begin to at least look at my face when I tried to say anything. But now it is like it takes all his strength to not glance over at the TV if I am talking. That burns me up!

So, I am seeing him slip back into some old ways that really made me unhappy before the OM stitch. Even though I didn't think he was doing anything to change, maybe he was trying harder than I realized at the time. I have called him out on a few things that upset me before I allowed it to fester. But the stuff about the bills......I really, really think there is no hope there. I have begged him to let me take care of paying them on time, since he puts off to the last minute to pay them.....and gets behind in doing so. But he won't hear of it. I have never squadered money, so why he acts like he doesn't trust me with a dime....is beyond me! It hurts and it makes me mad. Like I said, it has been a point of contention for over 40 years and it isn't getting any better.

I know I didn't do a good job at explaining how he is, but I don't know how without taking pages and pages of "examples" of things he has done....or not done. I vented for quite some time in another forum, once, about how he collected junk all the time and had our yard looking so bad that I was humiliated and embarrased. We have the worst looking yard in our neighborhood. When I was healthy, I could try to keep some of that stuff down, but now I can't do anything like that and he has just went crazy bringing home pure junk that will never be used. He never thows anything away. I have begged him to haul things off. If he ever does, it is so little that it doesn't make a dent. Can't tell a thing has improved in the yard. He is that way in the house too. I let him have one room that is his to do whatever.....and you cannot get in the door. So, that's my H. He has just gotten worse over the years. I know I have just as many things that probably drives him nuts too, but he won't say what they are.....lol. If he did, I would at least try to change what I knew bothered him! But not him. I can just get used to it b/c that is the way he is!

I did think about going on those diets like Jenny Craig or something else that brings prepared food to your door and all you have to do is warm it up. I could lose weight and leave his cooking to him, but you know what? He would still "expect" me to cook his supper, or he would make me feel guilty by his sulking. Now sometimes he will tell me not to worry about him, that he will manage. It is when he is so tired, like he was last night that he acts like he is feeling sorry for himself and pouts. But anyway, I can't order that diet food b/c it is too expensive for me and then have to be out for his groceries also! Wishful thinking, though....lol.

I appreciate you listening to me vent and it did help a lot! I have talked for years to my mother about my situation and would ask her for advice, but it just blew her mind and she did not have a clue as to what to do.

As far as leaving him, I think he had taken all he could with the OM thing and if I was to threaten him now.....he might tell me "there was the door".....and I could not make it on my own....that was one of the main reasons I didn't leave before. So, I don't plan to do that unless it just gets unbarable.

These things seem silly to some people when compared to a life threatening disease or abuse or something like that, but it is the daily grind that is like rubbing the skin down into the raw nerves and finally you just can't take anymore.

I don't see him ever changing at this age. You know what we've always heard about the older you get the more set in your ways you are? I think it is true. I don't think he wants to change or is motivated to change. If he would not change to make me "want" to stay in a M with him, why would he do it now?

I have just begin to reach the point that I am tempted to have that talk with him and see if he wants to try working on the R but I think he may throw it back in my face that I wanted him to leave me alone. At the time, I did! But, maybe if the "timing" is right.....who knows. We have just gone along trying to act as if nothing ever happened and do the best we could. We hug and kiss good-bye and good-night.....things like that. But there is no intimacy and may never be. That is what I need so much, but I don't know that he will ever give it. Sex is not love and sex is not intimacy.....not from a female's POV. You are physically close when performing the sex act.....but it doesn't touch the soul like a woman needs.

He got really mad at me for wanting to go to the doctor with him b/c I knew he wasn't telling her everything. I think I told you all that. Sure enough, he is going to have to go to the hospital for some tests on his heart. I hate to be that way with him, but he will not talk to the doctor. He sticks his head in the sand. Things don't go away like that. I think he may have even stuck his head in the sand about me and OM until he accidently found it staring him in the face. Then he became obsessed with it. He did not trust me out of his sight and would try to set traps for me. I hated that side of him and never want to be in that "place" again.

So, thanks for just listening. I feel better since I vented. You all are great. I don't have many to stop by my thread anymore.....guess cause I wasn't having much to say and spending most of my time on other's threads. But, I appreciate the fact that you all did respond and let me know you were there for me.

I sure made up for not having much to say!!

Take care,
Sandi

[sandi2]

That was suppose to be "heart" and not heat...lol. Plus I have to back up on this quote:

I had just hoped that some of this stuff would wake him up, but it didn't seem to work like that at all.

I have to go back in time and remember how I truly felt and I'm not sure I remember wanting him to change. I was not even thinking about leaving him b/c he would not change. That was not the issue. The issue was that I did not feel in love with him and I was trying to convince myself that I loved OM. So his changing or not changing was not my issue at that time, exactly. But I was miserable with our lives.......with MY life. I just remember wanting to escape. So, maybe I did and it is getting kind of fuzzy in some areas. Remember I was mixed up pretty bad at that time.

I sounded very mixed up in that last post I sent, too. I would be about through and go back to inject something, so when it was all said and done.....sounds very crazy. Just don't pay any attention.....just me blowing off steam. But thanks for being there.

Sandi

[OnTheEdge22]

Sandi - You're husband sounds a lot like my father in law who is a midwest farmer. Very set in his ways, pays cash for everything, won't buy anything unless its on the clearance rack, knows exactly what he likes, doesn't like, and does pretty much the same thing EVERY SINGLE DAY. I get frustrated sometimes just spending a weekend with him! Couldn't imagine living with him.

I can tell from your last post that you care about your husband a lot. I know you want more from him and you can and should keep striving for that. Please stop talking about how old you guys are or how long you've been married. You are here today and all you can control is what happens going forward. Try something new just for kicks and see what happens. Just don't give up.

Even though I'm going down this path of divorce, I still hold hope that something will change.

We'll talk soon. Edge

[Mr Fix It]

Hi Sandi, it's Mr Fix It. I haven't written in a long time, my post is gone, have to start a new string. The marriage is gone. I've been in the dumps for a long time. Having trouble getting out. Still seeing a therapist once a week, but I'm not doing my homework for her. My mind is still with my W even though she is taking off for 5 days with OM starting tomorrow. I told my son about my feelings about his mom not coming back and you know what he said, "I knew she wasn't coming back". Boy was I shocked, he knew and I didn't. I really felt stupid for not seeing it. I apologize for rambling in you thread, I just didn't know where to go except here. The bad thing about telling you this is that it brings out my emotions but I always hold them back just before they come out. The tears are there, the runny nose is there, but I won't cry. I just can't let it out. What I really need is a HUG from you Sandi. You have been there for me so much. Thank you, got to go. Just wanted to say Hi, I wish I had better news.

[Joe]

S2, A fly by hi!!!

Hope yesterday and today you were/are soaring like an eagle, not down here with us turkeys!!

Just got back from the gym, my 6 pack under all this flab is killing me. Guess Ill have to drink this 18 pack off first!! (Is that possible?)

Tonight is my 5th anniversry party for being a FF. Im going out to a football game with 15 other guys I started with. Should be fun. I think we are going to hit this cheap little sushi place and then head down town. Need to go shower and then go buy a new shirt.

Talk soon. HUGS to you.

Joe

[craig54]

Hello Sandi,

Hope you are doing well.