Sandi - I agree with sgctxok. I have to thank you tremendously for replying to my post and sharing your perspective and thoughts. It has really helped me. I hope everything is going well with you and I hope you are continuing to feel progress in your relationship. I so desparately want my W to come back to me, but hearing how you feel, and how hard it is, makes me realize that I need to continue to be patient. You are a Godsend to many people on this site, and I want you to feel wonderful about that. You are making a difference in this world!
We'll talk soon.
Me-44, W-45 Together-25 yrs, Married-21 yrs D-17,S-15,D-13,S-10 ILYBNILWY Bomb: 10/2007 Status: Divorce Mediation, Still under same roof My Story
I think God must have had you to write that encouragement to me b/c I needed to hear that today. I still have times that I really struggle with what I've done and I wonder if I will ever feel this.......dark cloud lift from me. I know that God has forgiven me, but I still am so ashamed and wonder how on earth I could have allowed myself to fall into such a temptation as I did. I lived my entire life for God and family and tore it down within just a few months time. I'm trying to get back to where I was spiritually, but don't quite feel there yet. I really enjoy our Pastor's sermons and I am trying to get back more involved in Church again. That is important to me. You see, I was a teacher, and have been for many years, but after I messed up, I stepped down b/c I did not feel that I was any kind of a role model to be a teacher. Anyway, I am trying to get that behind me and get back where I was. I will never feel that my life is complete until I can do what I use to do in the Church.
This past year, most of my evenings have been right here on this bb talking to people who come for help. I don't know if I ever help anyone. I never thought my gift was "encouraging" people....lol. But, if I can say something that will help.....someway, then that makes me feel a lot better.
So, thank you very, very much for those kind words. I needed that today. I think it was Kind David that said something to the effect that "my sins are forever before me", meaning that even though God forgives us, we don't forget what we've done. So, I still feel the after effects.
I ask for prayers b/c I know that I still do not have the desire that I want and need to have for my H. I don't have the energy that I need to put forth the efforts in the work for my M. I get encouraged by the posts of others, but then my body feels so worn out and won't do what I want it to. I know only God can give me that energy and the desire that I need.
Listen at me just rambling and all I wanted to do was to say, "thank you". You are an "encourager"!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - I'm glad I could help, even if just a little. I have a feeling my W feels the exact same way you do. I've been very discouraged lately because even with all the changes I'm making, I feel like it doesn't make a bit of difference. I like what I've done, and I'm much happier in other parts of my life (work, family, friends), but I still feel like a huge part of my life is missing and she gives me no hope and no indication that any of this will change. Sorry for going on about me on your post -- I think I just need some encouragement now. There's more on my post.
I'll be thinking of you and praying you get the strength and energy to make it work.
Me-44, W-45 Together-25 yrs, Married-21 yrs D-17,S-15,D-13,S-10 ILYBNILWY Bomb: 10/2007 Status: Divorce Mediation, Still under same roof My Story
It's Joe. Long time no hear! It's been a mentally exhausting 2 weeks for me!
I took your advice and pretty much clamed up about talking about our R btwn my W and me. I have nothing but a PMA towards things and even when I have been on the verge of tears, I held the emotions back just long enough for her to think that I was happy. I grieve alot on my own. The R btwn my W and I is strange to me. Lately it has been alot of ups, laughter, talking and doing things as a family. The last 2 days have been a combo of both. I have remodelled our basement and built in a suite for 1 tenant. It is just on the cusp of being finished. It should have been done by April 1 of this year but the threat of her wanting to sell our house was to much for me so I havent been able to go down there and work. It's to emotional for me. Yesterday I asked about buying the appliances for down there and the second she went quiet, I knew what was coming. She told me shes "not there yet" and she doesnt want to but them yet. I guess that tells me we could still possibly put the house up for sale.
People have told me that it is just 4 walls. It is so much more to me then that. It is our HOME! We would definatly be done if it ever came to that.
There has been no physical contact in 4 mths. My sitch and Edgies sitch are identical. I think we are doing a little better then Edgie as we are still talking. Last night I kissed her on the lips for the first time in 4 mths. She accepted it, but I know it suprised her! But it is still cold in our bed. We sleep 3 feet apart. She let me give her a back rub the other night, but then politely said thankyou and rolled back over. But other then that, that has been it. A few hugs here and there. I kiss her forehead every day before I leave for work and give her a hug when I get home. I am gonna try backing off now and tone it back down a few notches.
I leave for a week to Ottawa with our Depts Honor Guard to march in the Canadian Fallen Firefighters Memorial. Our city is hosting it which means TV, newspapers etc. We will be front and center. I am trying to be excited about it, but I am scared to leave her on her own here. I worry what she might do. I hope and pray that she will miss me.
My road, like Edgies is a long hard one.....like yours and everybodies here. I was reading your first post in this thread and I pray that the day comes soon for my W to come out of her fog like you did and realize what you can do about your R instead of running away from it.
This past Sun at church, our Pastor preached about humility. Man I cried hard. My W decided not to come this weekend because she has been stressed out about us. Its giving her haedaches now, yet she wont get help from Pat my counsellor I have been seeing. She is such a wonderful lady to talk to and she goes to the same church! All the signs from God are there, my W just has to chose to read them I guess.
Maybe 1 day soon.
I am on holidays now and after I get back, will have more time to respond. I just have to get this trip out of the way first.
Joe
M: 37 WAW: 35 D's: 9 & 7 M: 13 Bomb: 01/28/08 Status: Limboland Total bomb drops: Lost count! Support: Here, God above, and now the Love Dare
Hi Joe, well, I know it is so hard for you not to talk about the R b/c that is all that is on your mind. You also want to point out all the good things about M and why the two of you need to stay together, etc., but this will just push her further away......trust me, I know! If she brings up the talk of R, then look at her and really listen to her, but don't get into a fight. If she is determine to fight....walk away.
Be very careful about showing physical affection. This was something I certainly did not want from my H and most WAW's don't. Wait for her to start the kiss or hug and then you can respond to her. Don't email, text, phone, and any of that usual contact through the day, unless it is absolutely necessary. The more you pull back and give her space, the more likely she will draw closer to you. But, don't ever act pouty or sulled.....that will certainly go against you. Try to show a lot of personality, charm, wit, good manners, always be a "class act" and never stoop to acting like a jerk. Don't snoop b/c that will tear you apart if you find something you shouldn't be reading. Don't point out your changes to her. Remember, these changes are for Joe.....not a ploy to win her back. So many LBS do that and then when the S returns home, the LBS stops with the changing and the WAS sees it wasn't for life, and the problems start up again.
Well, I've probably repeated myself from before, but just want to encourage you to not give up. We know it is hard, but if you will have patient, she can come out of this fog and be the wife you remember. However, this could make some changes in her also, so be prepared for that.
This road is a bumpy one......feels like a rollercoaster ride at times. Live you life as unto the Lord and trust Him to take care of things. When we get out of His way and allow Him to do His work.....it is amazing what can happen....(lol) but most of us try to do it all ourselves.
Well, take care and I'll talk to you when you get back. Give me a yell.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
On the Edge, bless your heart, I know you feel so low and want to give up b/c you aren't seeing changes fast enough. But that is not how it happens, I'm sorry to say.
Quote:
I've been very discouraged lately because even with all the changes I'm making, I feel like it doesn't make a bit of difference. I like what I've done, and I'm much happier in other parts of my life (work, family, friends), but I still feel like a huge part of my life is missing and she gives me no hope and no indication that any of this will change
May I tell you something about what I see in this quote? I see a H that is trying to make big changes in himself to win his wife back. Instead of making changes for his good in order to be the best man he can be regardless if his life includes his wife or not.........he is trying to use these changes as a ploy to get her back. It isn't working, as far as he can tell at this point and time, so he is discourage with this principle.
Do you see what I'm saying? Remember what Michelle says in her book? These changes are to improve you and for you only. Untill you can reach that menal capasity that you realize this concept and resolve to do this for YOU and not for her, then it won't work. That is why you feel hopeless and depressed. You don't have the right menal attitude. You are not getting a life for yourself and becoming an interesting, fun, and attractive man b/c all you can think about is your wife and your stitch. Nobody wants to be around a person that is giving off those vibes. Do you think that is what you may be doing? That is why I said it all depends on the menal attitude. If you get it there......then it will work regardless of what she does, b/c you can't control her, but you can control your own life.
Don't feel hopeless now, okay? Pick yourself up and determine in your own mind, soul, and spirit that you will have a life and you will become the very best man that you can be. You will have to work on that everyday. Therefore, you may want to make short personal goals for yourself.....as far as self improvement, not the M. When you get YOU right, then I think you will begin to have peace in your life. Right now, you don't feel peace at all and that says a lot. That is the first thing you need to try to accomplish.....okay? Stop focusing so much on the M and the W and your stitch and just try to get yourself straighten out and find peace within yourself. Then you will show confidence,strength, and honor, as a man......and that is very attractive to other people......including your wife. Put first things first. Maybe you should make a list of priorities....but make sure you are at the top of that list and what all you need to do about YOU.
Okay, it's late again and I need to hit the sack. Talk to you later. Hope you will come back and visit me. I appreciate your encouragement to me.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - That's good advice, so thank you for that. I'm doing the 180's and GALing, but there are a couple things I'm struggling with. One is that I have a very hard time being that great man when I'm in the room with her. Basically we do the small talk thing, but we don't really talk if you know what I mean (its usually something about this kids, etc...). We don't smile or laugh with each and we don't really even look at each other. We just kind of pass each other in the house for (I think for fear that if we talk too much we'll get into a disagreement -- we don't really fight much anymore). So, when I'm with her, I find it hard to be this great guy that she would want to be with. I think if I came in all smiles and engaging (which I'm not even sure I could do), she would look at me and think I was doing this just to get her back. I don't know...
The other thing is that I have really been missing the emotional and physical connection with her. I'm starting to find myself attracted to other women -- to the point of considering talking to them and possibly asking them out. I know this is wrong, but I can't help it when all I get from my W is the cold shoulder. I don't want to cheat on my W, and I think that is what's giving me the feeling now of giving up -- that I can start the divorce process and then pursue a different relationship (which seems easier at this point!), although I know its probably not. I'll try to hang in there, but I'm struggling with keeping this up.
Thanks again for your note -- I'll keep reading it and try to stay focused on me.
Me-44, W-45 Together-25 yrs, Married-21 yrs D-17,S-15,D-13,S-10 ILYBNILWY Bomb: 10/2007 Status: Divorce Mediation, Still under same roof My Story
Dear On the Edge, I do understand more about how you feel than you may realize. This sort of "dance" that you and your W are doing with each other to avoid a fight, is somewhat normal under the circumstances. I would be the same way.....and if fact have been the same way to an extent b/c it is very difficult to come in all smiles acting like you are excited about life and trying to be the person that attracted your S. First, you are afraid that they will get the wrong idea and think you are wanting to be free of them and out on your own. Second, you are afraid that it will drive them to leave or file for D (if you are the LBS). My suggestions are that you ease into this "role" of changing a little more each day and not like it is an over-night "experience". Although, Michelle does describe this acting as if you have had an "awakening". That is how the almost WAS is to see it, but the LBS is so afraid of doing it. But, I certainly understand the feelings that you are having about the difficulty and how hard it is to just have "non-meaningful" conversations and can't even look at each other. That is not a good place to be.
What concerns me the most is your temptation to meet other women and possibly even ask them out. What you are really saying here is that you are wanting to have sex with some woman.....any woman, at this point, b/c your needs are not being met. I can understand that, but please be careful b/c the emotions and needs are dictating to you instead of your mind. If you were to do something like that......or go on and file for D in order to be free to go out with other women, what happens when you wake up one morning and realize that none of that brought the happiness and satisfaction that you were seeking? What you are wanting is to satisfy a need right now. You want so badly to be out from this awful stitch that you are in and it isn't happening fast enough. I also understand how the idea of starting fresh with another person seems a lot easier than trying to start over with the same person......remember I was there at one time.
I hope you will seriously think things through before you act out of emotion. I am not preaching to you b/c i want you to know that I have been there....only from a different angle than you. The temptation is very powerful once you cross that line. If you think you have M problems now, you don't know anything until that line is crossed. I hope you won't cheat, but even if you got D to be free......it would still hurt the R very badly. D is not always the end.....and especially to love, but it is very difficult to repair a R after there has been a D filed.
Anyway, I hope you will try to hang on. You know, if you are thinking alone the lines that you might as well go on and file for a D and be free to see other women, then why not give it one last shot and really give it you best to be that man she fell in love with? After all, if D is the next step, what do you have to lose? At least, you would know that you did all that you could humanly do. How about it? Do you think you have what it takes? You may think it would not work and that she doesn't want that, but you won't know for certain without trying. Then if it fails and she still wants out, you can say you did everything you could and won't be haunted by the thought, "If only I had tried this one last attempt, maybe it would have worked".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I hope you will seriously think things through before you act out of emotion. I am not preaching to you b/c i want you to know that I have been there....only from a different angle than you. The temptation is very powerful once you cross that line.
Edge,
hope to get back to you later but Sandi is right. I have been here too. I mean I have been soooo close to crossing "that" line... I mean..... at one point after a party this woman who had been drinking, (lucky for me I had not) wanted to go hot tubbing. She was waiting by the front door as I went to get my car and when I pulled up to the front door..... I didn't stop... Now I am glad I did not becase as sandi said once that door is opened you can't undo it... my mind is free of guilt....
can't post more now but will try reading up on your post later
take care Dr LOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
