We're never getting back together-How do you cope?

[native]

OE,

I've been posting elsewhere because of feeling iffy about wanting to continue dealing with W. I'm back on track now and just checking in. You said the ultimate reason for her attitude was:

"Basically she just wanted to tell me that her internet was cut off"

The abusive tone attitude of your W sounds like she is going through internet withdrawals (did you mention earlier she is a OLgamer?) and is having to deal with some harsh realities (bills)she has been avoiding. "

On another note, while you seem to be getting a handle on yourself, the more I read about WAS's, the more I begin to have some compassion for them. Up until lately, I had a lot of anger and did not respect anyone who gives up on a M simply because their 'feelings' have changed.

Though I long ago was taught the value of not being led by my feelings, but learned (not perfectly) to make better choices and therefore have better feelings, not everyone has gotten that message.

Everyone is simply where they are at. Their way of dealing with life may be inadequate, but that inadequate or imperfect way will eventually lead them to suffering and pain. Pain is a teacher, to help us search for a better way.

You W is trying to avoid the pain (the teacher) by the fantasy of gaming. When she couldn't do that anymore, she had less buffer between herself and her reality. That made her irritable.

The bigger point I am trying to make here is that your WAS is probobly in a lot of emotional pain. You may have contributed to her pain as you react to hers (and you can do something about that now), but I really think it is her own inadequate way of dealing with relationships and other stressors in life that make her unhappy.

Just know that she is suffering though. Be empathetic and don't take it personally. And continue to learn and grow so you can be the man who she needs/wants to go through this sometimes difficult, often wonderful life with.

[native]

Hey, I would recommend everyone check out the Advice from Wise Divorce Busters forum. Especially good for me was the SubForum on pg. 2 titled Updating Good Advice. Must read stuff. Helped me today.

[onedge]

W has not really been playing OL for long, but has deffinately had an internet addiction for a while now.

I can understand why she wanted out, and why she still doesn't want to try, it's one of the reasons that I am really trying to make things with me better.

I do think that she has problems dealing with her emotions and feelings, and to a point she relies on her depression as a reason for her actions and how she feels. I think that she is scared to take control of things and make herself better because if she does, then she has nothing else to blame but herself.

It's sad to hear that you lost your way for a while, you have been a big help for me, as long as you are happy in what you are doing it's fine. so if you do decide at some point that you would be happier W/out your W i'll offer any support I can, just let me know

"You W is trying to avoid the pain (the teacher) by the fantasy of gaming. When she couldn't do that anymore, she had less buffer between herself and her reality. That made her irritable."

I was just happy that I left her feeling better, she actually wanted to talk to me a little bit after that aswell for a problem with her computer, I could fix it but she said "her brother would kill her" (this is the one that I have been friends with for years and still get along with) he works in a computer shop and is more a hardware problem person, so i don't take offence to it. I think she would have asked me if it wasn't for him (or I hoped she would have :P )

I'm not going to read anything into any of it, i am in a good mood, and I don't want to get my hopes up just yet, it is early days.

I keep thinking about the whole Aliens thing, i think i'm doing ok to keep them happy, maybe they will bring back W at some point

[native]

Yeah, W has been snappy when I've been on my best behaviour. I understand she is unhappy and confused and stressed out at work, but I really don't appreciate being a whipping post for her frustrations,etc.

I read somewhere once that we teach our spouses how to treat us by what we allow them to do. So I must have allowed her to treat me badly in our marriage.

The thing about my W is that, she is 3x more sensitive than the average woman. Sensitive to hurts, medications, disturbances, anything. It takes her that much longer to recover from stuff as well, so if the rule of thumb is 1 mo. seperation for every year of marriage, I have 7 x 3 = 21 months to wait, that is, if I don't screw it up. I am not sure I can wait that long or continue to take abuse.

And I really need her to change some as well. I don't mind getting the ball rolling, but if I don't see her respond to that and begin her journey of emotional/spiritual growth in our M, then I'm going to be really discouraged.

Tired of carrying the weight of our life together on my own.

And then that recent flirtation with the extremely attractive young woman at d's daycare. I just want a woman who can show interest in me and that she appreciates me. I know I can do that better now than perhaps I did with my W, but I don't think she ever did any of that for me since we were married. It has seemed she has been rather self centered for a long time.

[onedge]

I know the feeling, Everything is taken out of perportion, and overreacted to, everything is taken personally. It is really nice to have a self esteem boost from outside the R.

Once again i'm torn between saying something to my W that will harm the relationship. I have to though as it is about my kids. She abused me when I asked if She could have the kids one of the 7 nights I have them in the school holidays, so that i could go out with the people that I haven't really seen in about 3 months now. I'm not going, she said that i was going to "abandon the kids" and that I was going to hurt them and they are all she has, so she was protective and angry. My D6 packed her own bag this week and last week. Last week, she had no warm cloths, this week she has no pants AT ALL and no skirts, the only cloths she has for her legs are pajama pants, WTF?!? I need to say something this time but I don't know how to not make it an attack on her statement of her protecting the kids from me.
I don't think I should do it in an email but then again...... when else can i do it?

1 thing after another at the moment

[MsMelancoly]

Hi onedge, Could you say something like this to your W. D6 sure packs her bag funny, this time she didn't pack any pants & I had to go buy her some.

As I stated before my H is also depressed. With my 1st DBcoaching session my goal was to be happy around him, be his cheerleader & basically be lighthearted. Make him feel comfortable being around me. That was a 180 for my sitch. I did get results (he contacted me quicker). Maybe that is something you could try?? Have you tried that approach?

[onedge]

Thank you MsM,
I think i'm in love with you
To be honest, I'd tried being lighthearted and happy, but hadn't thought of being a cheerleader, It probably would be a 180 for me in a way at the moment, rather than getting angry and sounding mean, just telling her in a way that I am still telling her how I feel, but without sounding like I'm disapproving of her parenting or getting mad at her.
Thank you

[MsMelancoly]

You are welcome. I'm just returning the favors others have given me (which is helping me to state what I need to in the best way). This place is very good for that.

Remember to validate her feelings - you may not agree with them - but that's how she feels at present. Many here have also just said "I understand" & left it at that for the moment.

I'm guessing the kids are the only "positive" thing she sees in her life right now.

[onedge]

"I'm guessing the kids are the only "positive" thing she sees in her life right now." The kids yeah, she see's them as the only thing she's got. She has her friends now and spends time with them, and although i'm not there, i think she is taking the kids for granted more now than I am, but i am just speculating.

Currently I'm getting a life by spending a lot of time with my friends who i haven't seen for a while, the last 3 nights i've been over there after work untill about 1am
It's been good to talk to people that don't have anything to do with what is happening, or even fully understand.
Thanks again

[native]

What really kills me is W's lack of connection with 6 yo. D. I can get by, I can go on and create a new life, new love etc if it comes to it, but what about our precious child ?

I've realized since D was about 1 yo. that W was not doing well in nurturing her, so I began to compensate by spending more time singing, rocking, looking into her eyes, talking and playing with her. My reward ? A very close relationship w/D and a W who accuses me of putting child first.

5 yrs. later, tonight, here's what transpires:

I was putting D to sleep, rubbing some Vicks mentolatum on her chest to help her breath better. I said: 'My mommy did this for me when I had trouble breathing through my nose. Someday you will do this for your own children.'

She replied: ' I might not have children'

I was shocked, but I said, 'Maybe you won't. But why do you think that ?'

She was quiet, so I began gently questioning,' Sometimes I may be impatient, but you know Daddy loves you don't you?

She readily acknowleged that she knows I love her.

'And I think that you are the greatest thing that could have happened to mommy and daddy.'

The real warning flag however came when we talked about her R with her Mommy. D was clearly not sure that her Mommy really wanted to be with her. W. shows impatience very quickly with D. and instead of interacting with her, they 'bond' by watching movies together.

In fact, they watched 3 movies together on Labor Day. It was a perfectly beautiful day and they sat on a couch for 6+ hrs. without interacting with each other and that is what passes for bonding.

They did some other things W had planned that day, but they were activities chosen by W with no input from D. At the end of day when she brought D back home she started 'sharing' but really complaining about how D was ungrateful because at the end of the day, D asked ' Is this all we are going to do ? I'm bored.'

W accused me and my mom of spoiling her because we take her to the zoo, or the childrens museum, or to feed the ducks or something where she interacts with life and us.

While W complained to me after the only whole day she has spent with D in a month, D was curled up on couch face down with fingers in her ears. I don't blame her. Who wants to hear their mommy complain about them to her daddy ?

Along the same lines, W had lined up a play therapist for D on the advice of her lifelong friend and child development PH D who wisely suggested D should have her own therapist to help her get through the eventual divorce ( the D word has not been in use that much lately).

After several sessons, it became clear to the play therapist that our D's relationship to her Mommy was weak or missing.

In the therapy, children are allowed to create storys with model characters in a sandbox. Apparantly the nurturing parent was always Daddy, never mommy.

The therapist told me she would like to see Mom and d. together to work on that relationship.

I haven't told W that yet, because she does not like to hear from me that there is a problem. This is not a new topic with us.

In fact, unless W gets her head out of her #ss, the inescapable conclusion for me is that this is a woman who is not only incapable of maintaining a marriage, but can't manage dealing with a wonderful, curious, energetic and beautiful child for 12 hrs.

I feel thats one more reason I need to really move on and find another wife/mommy figure for D to get some female nurturing and an idea about what a loving marriage is supposed to look like.

I wish it were not so, but nothing really gives me any encouragement that W is willing to deal with her crap and wake up.