I guess a lot of it is simply learning to slough off all the negative images that W has subtly heaped on me, and that I've subsequently heaped on myself. The message has been, if you don't pursue a doctorate degree, you aren't worth anything; if you get depressed, or if your parents divorced, or if your childhood was filled with drama, there is something fundamentally flawed in you. How can I believe a message like that?
It comes down to this: what does my heart tell me to do with my life? I'm dismayed to realize that I have no idea. That's the answer I'm looking for, the thing that will allow me to become a whole person again. We all create our own realities and for too long I've let my reality be defined by someone else.
lodo
It's funny you've been in a funk thinking that stuff. I've been thinking kind of like that too, and actually feel a bit happy about it. I allowed H to kind of prevent me being who I really am; I like to be a goof in public and he would get embarrassed and upset with me. I think the D is going to give me a chance to get back to more of who I am. I really let myself be defined by H, and I think it's a good thing we realize that and will work on that. And when we get in our next R's maybe try to hold on to that feeling, and not lose part of ourselves again?
Hey lwb - maybe we should go out and celebrate our un-marriages! You still owe me a mambo! I have the added bonus of celebrating an un-anniversary shortly before my un-marriage! When will the chuckles and fun ever stop?
Hi karen - i hope I don't lose myself again. Actually, I think the biggest problem was that I started refinding myself and W wasn't strong enough to be an equal partner. But our sitch is unique, I think. I was also depressed, so it all became a great big blur.
Realized this weekend (once again) what an emotional wreck I've become, even though I'm okay. Had a spat with some real jerks and it really affected me. So much so that I thought about it all day. You know what helped me? Refinding that book that Puppy told me to read at the very beginning of my sitch - No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Gees, what a difference it makes when some time has passed. Means a lot more to me now than it did then. I need to have faith in my opinions once again. Screw whoever doesn't agree - they can leave. Or I can if I don't agree. Nevertheless, I have to be true to myself.
Had an excellent dinner tonight - seared asparagus & onions with jalapeno, prosciutto, roasted red peppers, fresh tomatoes, and capers. Added in rotini and mixed in a ricotta, gorgonzola, parmesan mixture. My fave petite syrah accompanied. Yummmm!
oh, and WCW? If you're reading, I know you've got cows and all, but after eating that prosciutto, I'm thinking you should reconsider and go into pigs. Big ol' thick porkchops are GOOD! Butcher cut bacon is GOOD! Pork ribs slathered in real KC bbq is GOOD!
Reading and drooling over your mouth watering dinners. How the heck do you do it? I had cheese and lunch meat wrapped up in a tortilla on my way back up to the indoor arena.
I had hogs years ago. My very first sow I named Wilbur. She jumped for her food just like a dog. In the long run it didn't work out real well. Did you know sows eat their youngins if they show any sign of being weak?
These days H does a lot of hunting so my freezer has venison, elk, and antelope. I think there is beef buried at the bottom yet too getting old.
I think when we're in the middle of stress and strife we think we are handling it pretty well. We don't realize the depth of the emotional turmoil churning inside and how it affects every single aspect of our life. Later, as we look back on our decisions, we can finally see how we coulda shoulda done things better. More life lessons. I guess the important thing is that we keep learning from our lessons so we don't make the same mistakes.
Keep your chin up buddy, you've got more low spots ahead.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
STBXW actually doesn't do so well with Rs because she's too focused on her own ambitions/career.
It was always too easy for both of us to focus on work rather than maintaining a connection with each other.
She doesn't understand that a relationship doesn't have to be in competition with ambitions/career.
I don't agree with STBXW's career advancement strategy. I tend to be very hardline when it comes to maintaining the appropriate boundaries in a business R.
Some of the other points you raised - I think are common issues in power couple marriages. I haven't figured out the answers yet. I suppose when I do - is when I will get serious about dating - as opposed to going through the motions or putting myself out there.
Lol - Sara, I told you I started cooking after watching "Ratatouille", right? And because of that whole separation/divorce thing ....
WCW, how the heck do I do it? It took like 15 mins. to make - boiling the pasta took the longest. Chopping the veggies - 2 mins. tops. Chuck the long-cooking stuff (onions, garlic, jalapeno, asparagus) into a pan to sear in oil, and when it softens chuck in everything else with some chicken stock. While all that cooks, grate the cheese. Open the wine. Simple! Thanks for making me feel so good - more low spots ahead. Great! Just what I need! I think I'm getting past my lowest spots right now. Hard part was getting to where I know I don't want to reconcile.
AG, thanks for your response. I don't agree with stbxw's career advancement strategy either, but at least she's consistent. The one anomaly has been our relationship - 12 whole years sleeping with only 3 people! I agree with you on the commonality - I see our sitch a lot in others at the university. It's funny, because it seems like it matters more to women than men. Not sure why that is so, but a friend was telling me about a study recently done on how women deal with work & stress vs. men. Women use it as a framework to contextualize their entire life while men pigeonhole - "I just need to focus on this right now, I'll come out of my office and be a good companion in a month." End result, women actively ditch everything during stress while men expect everything to be waiting.
I have the added bonus of celebrating an un-anniversary shortly before my un-marriage! When will the chuckles and fun ever stop? 
