We're never getting back together-How do you cope?

[native]

Post deleted by native

[native]

I'm sorry guys, I just had to vent a little about my sitch.

Here's some more:After tonight I don't think I can say we are peicing anymore.

Not that we had a big blowout, but W is treating me like she did a month ago when she physically left house. Very distant, cold and on the verge of complete attack.

I think her renewed sucky attitude is because she is worried I will not be able to pay the mortgage, her credit score will be affected if I cant, and she feels pressure to move out of Moms house, get her own place. She needs the money she has been paying for mortgage to get her own place.

We had split the bills about 50/50 and now since Im staying in the house I will pay for the mortgage/utilities and she will pay all the credit cards.

I'm a little concerned since my work is seasonal and we are headed into the slower holiday season.

(Funny how she was never worried about our credit score before. Almost like she didnt even know what one was.)

Anyway, I was hoping we would have a more congenial conversation since we had not communicated much this week.

[onedge]

thats ok, vent away, thats pretty much what I do on here anyway

I kinda spent the day thinking about what is happening with you, i'm not really sure how to ask this but who are you fighting for right now, D, you or W? I'm not meaning to sound calous or blunt but it just seems that you're not really in this for you anymore. I could be wrong though......

My W is upset at me again, what's new, i'm not letting it bother me, i'm spending time with my old friends and now i really want to have another child (ok that part sucks a bit but i'll get used to it)

You've been a big help to me Native, I wish all the best for you, your D, and your W. Good luck and happy venting

[native]

'who are you fighting for right now, D, you or W?'

I am fighting for all of us, as individuals who will be forever scarred by the dissolution of that special thing we shared together called family.

For my w who can't seem to forgive things from 5 yrs ago I can barely remember and who has no clue to healthy relationships.

For my D who will only ever have one real mom and one real dad and the need she has for security and a positive example of marriage.

For me who is suffering as I see my W determined to destroy that which is necessary for my D's well being and future.

If she spent half the energy into building this marriage ( with wisdom and insight of course) as she has into dismantling it, we would have a great marriage.

I cannot believe that she is actually citing a time period of 5 yrs. ago whe she was a sahm as the reason she cannot forgive me now.

I only have a vague memory of that time or of any specific events that occured then.

Its a hell of a thing to be carrying unforgiveness for 5 yrs towards the person you're married to.

How am I supposed to make real apologies for a time period ?

She consistently resists being specific about what I did to "make' her unhappy or unforgiveing.

And I know damn well we have had many good times since then, but apparantly by this admission she faked the good times, since she has been feeling like this since then.

On the other hand $$$ issues bother her a great deal. It doesn't matter that I made 20,000 in 5 weeks when we moved into this house 4 yrs ago, or that a made 10,000 in one week since then.

The fact that I do contract work and don't have a salaried job like her makes her uncomfortable.

But my God woman, if I didn't have a flexible work schedule who would have been able to take care of our childs needs during all this time ? I thought it worked out well, but apparantly she was not happy with the arrangement.

She has not been happy because some months we had to live on credit cards. But she knows very little about the finances because I learned long ago she reacted with extreme measures to address financial issues. So I just took care of that and left her out of it.

I think that was a mistake, but at the same time she would have put pressure on me to take a salaried entry level position a long time ago. It may have been a good thing, I don't know. Makeing a career change for me has been very difficult.


I just hate the selective memory she is using to make all her arguements now. Sometimes I really feel that being as she is, she will never change, and I am the one who is foolish for wanting this to work out.

[onedge]

I think that is all how you are supposed to feel in this sort of situation, at the moment she will have a selective memory, it's easier to "run away" from the bad things than it is remember the good. I think that on some level it's not about you or your D, your W needs to be able to justify to herself that it was bad, otherwise she world have to admit that maybe she is sad, or maybe she made a mistake. It's not something that you can force on her, its something that she needs to realize without being pushed.
Right now, our W's are more similar than ever, only difference is that my W has the kids most of the time, and her level of interest with them is higher.
We both need to realize that we need to change for us not them. You are looking out for the best interests of your D and that is important, but you can't push your W into making the same commitment, right now she needs her time to run away and find herself, you just have to trust that she will realize what she is doing before your D withdraws from your W. It is hard and it is sad, i know, but it's not something that you can control. Right now you need to focus on you, you can't change the past, and appologising for the past probably wont work, just try and make the future a little bit brighter for you and D, you never know what will happen in in time.

[onedge]

Also, i forgot to say, I didn't mean to sound critical or anything like that, i just thought you needed to remind yourself. you seemed a little disillusioned. I will always side with trying for as long as it takes.

[onedge]

I texted W earlier today, "XXXX and XXXX are engaged" several hours later i get a text back "I don't care".

W is upset at me again and I have no idea why, seriously she need to find someone else to take out her crap on, and she wondered why I stopped showing her the kind of love that she wanted. Did she really think I appreciated being her punching bag for the last 7 years?

[MsMelancoly]

Hi onedge, Try not to take it personal. Don't let her control Your moods!! Is she taking anything for her depression??


(Personally, when I hear someone is engaged or getting married - I think - I'll give them my condolences. That's just saracstic me - in my current state). <lol>

[onedge]

she has been on medication for about 3 years now, but hasn't really gotten anywhere with it (someone gave her the impression that the medication will eventually make her better), untill now she didn't try anything else to improve it at all. Now she gets exercise and is going to a dietitian, also she is seeing a psychologist something like once a month?

Sarcasm is great if it gets you through another day, as long as your not sarcastic to the wrong person

[native]

"Did she really think I appreciated being her punching bag for the last 7 years?"

So she took out her unhappiness on you it looks like. How unfortunate. Our spouses and children should get our very best, and while we should carry one another's burdens, there is a time to put burdens aside and be lighthearted. For my W, it was only after she talked everything out that she was able to let go. But she hasn't really then turned her attention to me or my needs as a rule. Sometimes I would have to say ' I have some things I need to talk about as well'.

I feel that if my W's life were a feast, she brought me back the leftovers, but she gives herself in extraordinary ways to strangers, student-workers in her programs and collegues.

In her own way I'm sure she put effort into our R, but not in the ways I would have been most touched. The difference in love languages ( Dr. Gary Chapman) here is very important. I know I did not speak her love language often enough or very well. And I don't even know if she could tell you what mine are, though I have told her clearly.