Golden Rules--from Michele

[sgctxok]

(The following is quoted from Michele on a previous KLA forum)

"1. The first Golden Rule, "Do real giving" talks about the importance of doing to others what others would have done unto them, a definite twist on the real Golden Rule. What do you think about this?

2. The second Golden Rule, "Don't forget to laugh," reminds you about the importance of humor in marriage. Can you think of a time when you solved a marital problem by using your sense of humor?

3. The third Golden Rule, "Listen to each other," reminds you about the importance of putting aside your commentaries, reactions, and defensiveness and just simply acknowledging your partner's point of view. What do you think about this idea?

4. The fourth Golden Rule, "Live by the stranger standard," discusses the importance of treating your spouse at least as well as you might a complete stranger. What do you think about this?

5. The fifth Golden Rule, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself," emphasizes the vast benefits of letting go and forgiving your partner. Do you find it difficult to forgive your partner when you feel wronged? What methods have you found helpful to move you beyond a lack of forgiveness? You can re-read the article I wrote on forgiveness, if that will help.

6. Can you think of any other inspirational Golden Rules that you would like to add to my list?

Well?
Michele"

[Concerned_Listener]

Sgctxok,
These rules will be a good reminder to return to when I'm feeling frustrated with my situation and notice my posts taking the tone of "look what my W did to me lately."

It's so easy to slip into a complaining victim mode, and allow our own skills to slip.

CL

[sgctxok]

Isn't it though. It's lifelong really.

[native]

Where is the article on forgiveness?

[sgctxok]

Where is the article on forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

[Dr LOve]

(The following is quoted from Michele on a previous KLA forum)

"1. The first Golden Rule, "Do real giving" talks about the importance of doing to others what others would have done unto them, a definite twist on the real Golden Rule. What do you think about this?

2. The second Golden Rule, "Don't forget to laugh," reminds you about the importance of humor in marriage. Can you think of a time when you solved a marital problem by using your sense of humor?

3. The third Golden Rule, "Listen to each other," reminds you about the importance of putting aside your commentaries, reactions, and defensiveness and just simply acknowledging your partner's point of view. What do you think about this idea?

4. The fourth Golden Rule, "Live by the stranger standard," discusses the importance of treating your spouse at least as well as you might a complete stranger. What do you think about this?

5. The fifth Golden Rule, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself," emphasizes the vast benefits of letting go and forgiving your partner. Do you find it difficult to forgive your partner when you feel wronged? What methods have you found helpful to move you beyond a lack of forgiveness? You can re-read the article I wrote on forgiveness, if that will help.

6. Can you think of any other inspirational Golden Rules that you would like to add to my list?

Sgctxok,

this is great, I wish my WIfe could agree to these. It seams the comversations about our sitch are always one way with me bringing things up.
The thing I am up agianst is that she is "seams" happy living as room mates.

Doc

[twynna]

can someone please tell me the definition of "piecing". I am sure it is putting things back together but my question is how do you know when you are ready to do this and is there a criteria?

[25yearsmlc]

Being where you are "now". Not re-hashing old conflicts, or worrying about what might happen later in the future...but enjoying the moment you are in right now. Tomorrow is promised to no one.

(( j ))

[twynna]

thank you so much for this info. I feel in limboland right now.

[JeanBean]

Are you sure she is o.k. as living as roommates? I don't know her personality but she may not be o.k. with it but you don't realize it or she needs the space right now.

I just know that my husband had complained over and over about how he has to bring everything up and how we are roommates and it puts me on edge and makes me feel attacked and guilty.

I kind of feel like a turtle that puts their head back in the shell to protect against it. If she is a "turtle" like me when she feels "safe" she will open up.

If you prode, poke, or make her feel bad you are much less likely to get a good response. It just will make her feel bad, further away from you, and misunderstood. Just my 2 cents. :o)

I see this post is old, however it may help someone else! :o)

[Some Day]

Sorry for hijacking. I am in Newcomers, so didn't want to start a new thread in Piecing. My H has expressed interest in working on our R. I would appreciate any of you experinced Piecers to take a look at my thread and provide some insight. The thread is: Newbie: Is this MLC and how do I GAL Many thanks!

[sophiedaphne]

I feel like I am ready to forgive my husband for everything. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to work on our relationship and wants a divorce. I have overcome my resentment and just want to live peacefully with him. What does one do when the other person won't let go?

[Puffy]

Are you sure she is o.k. as living as roommates? I don't know her personality but she may not be o.k. with it but you don't realize it or she needs the space right now.

I just know that my husband had complained over and over about how he has to bring everything up and how we are roommates and it puts me on edge and makes me feel attacked and guilty.

I kind of feel like a turtle that puts their head back in the shell to protect against it. If she is a "turtle" like me when she feels "safe" she will open up.

If you prode, poke, or make her feel bad you are much less likely to get a good response. It just will make her feel bad, further away from you, and misunderstood. Just my 2 cents. :o)

I see this post is old, however it may help someone else! :o)

like, subscibed

[trekfan]

Quick backstory: Hubby and I divorced 13ish years ago and remarried 10 years ago. No children. We spent the first 6 yrs. of our new marriage in a sexless, semi-together, mostly arguing state. Then he lost his job. During the two years he was unemployed, he came to see me differently and our marriage thrived. We both lost a bunch of weight, and our sex life returned and was finally what I would call a normal sex life. We were both extremely in love with each other. Then he found a new job which gave him a promotion. He works directly under the owner, manages two buildings and 40ish employees. He works all the time. As the work piled on, the sex died out. I have had a huge chip on my shoulder about that and let myself gain 50 pounds. We haven't had sex in almost three years now.

Soooooo, he comes home two days ago and says he loves me but misses the intimacy and is not "in" love with me. He says he doesn't think he can ever get back to where we were but wants to be friends. After the first divorce, we were NOT friends, and I was NEVER going to be his friend. He now worries that I will refuse to be a friend and will cut him off from my family (literally the only persons he has left in his family are his elderly father and aunt).

I am trying to reach back to my old days of Dbing and trying to stay calm and collected and unemotional. I have told him that it didn't matter if he had been trying to fall back "in" love with me because I had not been doing the same. I asked him to give us 6 months to actively try to come together before we planned on divorcing. He has agreed but is afraid I am setting myself up for failure.

Any advice on how to proceed without it looking like I am just making due?

[Cadet]

I have told him that it didn't matter if he had been trying to fall back "in" love with me because I had not been doing the same.
I asked him to give us 6 months to actively try to come together before we planned on divorcing.
He has agreed but is afraid I am setting myself up for failure.

So you are not in love?
I am confused at what you are trying to do.
I assume it is to save your marriage.

I might suggest posting in newcomers with your story so
you can read the links and get some support.

Sorry you are back to DB'ing and in a sex starved marriage.

[trekfan]

I meant that I had not been putting any effort into the relationship. I had just been waiting for everything to be "ok" again.

Thanks for the advice. I will begin on a different forum.